What does it take to know a person; I mean really know them? At this point, I’m not sure. How can we really know someone else; what makes their mind tik like a clock or their heart flutter like a butterfly on steroids. How can we ever know someone else? I’m not entirely sure that it’s possible. I mean, I have been me for about 22 years now and I am only just beginning to figure out who I am. How could I possibly expect to know someone else to know me if I hardly even know who I am? But then again, I guess not everyone is like me. Some people know who they are; what they value, what they want to act like, what they want to do with their life. Maybe it’s easier for those people; maybe they are known by a lot of people.

But me, well I’m a bit of a nomad when it comes to identity. I drift here and there; whither and thither and flutter about. Some days I am the sweet girl, others I’m the bitch*. Some days I am an advocate of love, other days the only attitude I have towards love is one of scorn. For someone else to figure me and all of my nuances out would be a great feat.

I think that of all the people I know, of all my friends and family and acquaintances; I think of all of these people about one of them actually knows me really well. Only one of them knows who I am, but I can’t even tell you why. It’s not because this friend knows what my dreams and ambitions are, or because she knows that sometimes I laugh a lot because it’s a better alternative to crying. She just knows me. She can tell when something is wrong, or when I’ve fallen off of the narrow path. She knows what, deep down, I really want out of life, despite my endless frustrated rants on the subject. Sometimes, I think that she knows me better than I know myself. She is very wise, and I thank God almost every day for her friendship.

But how lonely is that? That out of all the people I know only one of them really knows who I am? Sometimes it’s really lonely, but it’s the price that a guarded heart pays. We protect ourselves from others and in return, few people are able to break down the walls that we have built.

I that maybe that is why I like to write so much. Because when I write I feel like part of me is on paper; a raw and public display of the inner workings of my soul. Anne Lamott once said that people write because it makes them feel like they have a place in the world. They are published, in some way shape or form, and therefore they exist to the world. Writing gives us meaning, and a sense that someone out there will read our words, however eloquently written, and know a part of us.

She pretty much hit the bull’s eye there; at least for me. Paper is a friend who knows me well, and he has never judged me. He just takes it all in, and never asks those annoying psychological questions in a reckless attempt to get to the bottom of what I am ‘feeling.’ I can change who I am from one day to the next, but the underlying characteristics of my writing never change. Maybe someday I’ll figure out who exactly it is that I am, but for now I’m almost content with this open fluid concept of me. Alanis Morissette wrote it well:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know but I can't change
I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried; Must've been relief to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you; I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes; Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changin'
I think it's cool; you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When your hurt; when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb; I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way


photo via (we heart it)

*please excuse my use of this particular term in this post. I really couldn't find a better one

the truth about love

So I changed my background template once again. I like this one. I think I'm going to keep it.

One of the main reasons I changed to this new template from the last one, is because the last one was title "Romance." Oh, Dear mother of Murphy am I sick of hearing about love lately. My belief in romantic love continues to fade as I see more and more of my friends succumb to the ridiculousness that it causes.I understand that many people will find this post offensive, so I want to make it clear now: I don't hate love; I am totally open to falling in love someday. However, someone please smack me across the face it I ever become one of those fools that turns a blind eye to everything else because of love. I will never give up my family or my faith for it. I will never let myself be treated like a sac of crap and choose not to believe the truth because of it. Oh, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "well obviously, that's smart." Well, my friend, if that is smart then there are a lot of stupid people out there. Because everyday women stay with men that beat them, and men stay with women that cheat on them, and women stay with women that won't commit, and men stay with men that are crazy and possessive.


I will not lose sight of the truth because I have been blinded by an emotion. The quote "we hurt the people we love the most" is a famous quote for a reason. Because it's true. Don't assume that just because someone loves you, they won't hurt you. Don't assume that they're definitely going to hurt you either, don't be a cynic. But don't be naive. Lord help me if I ever fall victim to a love that is blind, for the only way to see the truth is to open your eyes.

photo via (we heart it)

lift those eyes

Growing up we were taught to keep our heads bowed
Eyes closed, not peeking or looking 'round

"Humble yourself," is what they would say
Pray for your soul, repent yourself away

I always dreamed there would be more than this
More than rules and regulations and never-ending guilt

Then one day I turned my face to the Son
and He warmed my face and my guilt was all gone

We need not pay for that which is forgiven
So lift your face to the light, my friends

Pray with your head up, eyes closed or open wide
And lift up those praises; fling them to the sky

Prayer is more than confession or supplication,
It is indeed also the praise of the forgiven

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

— William Ernest Henley

we're all just looking up at the same night sky
making our way, hoping to get by
I hope that what I believe is true
that you're out there, looking for me too

and all of a sudden it occured to me that maybe I was okay after all...

I think I have finally discovered what I want to do. I finally have found my magnetic north and am heading in the right direction. I told someone tonight what my hopes for the future were, someone that I would not normally have told, and they thought it sounded wonderful. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone else, because I just want to see what happens. Besides, I kind of like the reaction that I get from some people when I tell them that I don't really know what I want to do with my life, that I don't really want to work, or have a job that feels like work. It's comical actually, that other people worry more about my future than I do.

God has been helping me this year. Helping me to get to know myself so that I can know what he has given me that I can offer to the world. Helping me to get over my obsession with money. Helping me to gain confidence in my talents. Helping me to get rid of all the darkness that was (and sometimes still is) inside of me and filling it with His light. He's been pretty wonderful. You should thank Him for that. I know I have.

banishing the roots of despair

Passion keeps us alive.

I was reminded of this as I watched The Dead Poets Society today.

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." --John Keating

During our dark points in life it may be hard for us to remember why we keep going. These are the moments when we lack passion. Many of these moments occur due to the perceived absence of love. But in reality, these things are really all around. I have not felt this despair in a long time now because I have come to know a love that never leaves me wanting. A love comprised of poetry and beauty and romance. A love driven by a passion that has its root deep in the soul. It is this love that I am alive for, and it is the only reason I stay that way.