really...

I wasn't quite sure how to start this post.
It seems like this year is the subject of friendship keeps coming up.
I've been learning so many things, and it's interesting, the most important things I've learnt are things that I've learnt in church, and yet have been told by non-Christians.
I won't go into details. If you want the stories behind these lessons you can ask me, cuz they're pretty cool. But if you're going to listen to anything I say in these blogs, take these two peices of advice into consideration.
Monday night at the Embassy the topic of Friendship came up again and reinforced my idea of what a real friend is:

1) Someone who understands. You don't call? It's okay, You're busy, I'll work around that. You screwed up, I'll forgive you. You're tired and irritable? It's okay, we've all been there. It's not about trying to constantly figure someone out, but about understanding where they come from (even if you really don't) and being there for them.

2) Someone who loves. Phileo love. You choose to love your friends regardless of who they are, or who they have been. When they screw up, you forgive them. When they forget things, you remind them. When they fail, you help them do better. You conscously choose to let them little things becasue, in the bigger scheme of things, your friendship is more important.

At the Embassy Dom said that these days few people appreciate real friendship becasue few experience. I guess I'm lucky to be someone who has.
But he also said that friendship isn't about what you can get out of a relationship. It's about giving something. You aren't friends with someone because they can do something for you. You're friends with them becasue you want to do something for them. Friendship is a gift, but it's not one that you should expect to get, only one that you unconditionally should expect yourself to give. That's why it's one of the four loves. It's not about you. It's about your friends. Be friends with them for them, because you love them and want the best for them, be real.

-kait

nothing will ever change
that night in the air
i was assured of that fact

we may grow
we may live differently
but one thing will always remain

as spring brings growth
and the flowers in the meadows
they all come alive

even so winter soon follows
and as ice freezes over
so does my heart

i'm someone different from what I've been
either that or I have forgotten
what i once was

it's not to see your face
it's not to hear your voice
but to know you'll never understand

i am too much the same
and yet too different
distracted by details unintended

the tension grows
as we seem to become like children
not growing up, only getting younger

but maybe that's okay
the way it's supposed to be
hundreds of millions of puzzle pieces

waiting to be put together
back into that picture again

love discovery

Some say they found God in the early morning sunrise. Some, in the quietness of the afternoon. Some in the stillness of the night. Some say they found God in healing and still others in hurt.
But me, I found God in the most unexpected of places; on a dark riverside bench in the city of New Orleans, Luisiana.
His name was Alexander. A man that I probably would have walked right past. Casually dropping a dollar in front of him but refusing to look him in the eye.
But he called out to me. "Let me play you girls a song..."
As we stood and listened to Alexander talk a few thoughts crossed my mind. But the thing that hit me the hardest was this."You gotta love eachother. I wish I could love God as much as he loves me. I want to learn to love Him like that..."
Alexander was a Hurricane Katrina survivor with a family to provide for. And there he sat, on a dark riverside park bench playing his trumpet into the night and still talking to us about God.
It reminded me of tiems in my life when I was feeling in the gutter. God why aren't you providing the money I need for school? God why does this person continually hurt me? God why do you always give me things only to take them away?
My life as it had been was still intact, but I still insisted on doubting, getting angry at and even blaming God for my 'troubles'.
As we left Alexander that night I tried to control myself, but I couldn't. Tears just came and I couldn't even fully explain why. I mean there was a man who seemed to have lost almost everything and yet he was loving God like it was the only thing keeping him alive.
What if I lived like that? but more so, what if I loved like that?
I wish I could say that my time in New Orleans was a time of complete revelation that changed my life. But I can't, and to be perfectly honest, I'm sort of glad because that's not why I went down there.
But I can say that being in New Orleans gave me a new perspective on what love really is. Love isn't serving, or speaking, or bilding floor systems or putting up ceiling tiles. Those actions are merely a reflection of love, they are not love itself. Anyone can do those things. But for me, loving God meant really loving Him. It meant doing things for him and finding joy in that. It meant filling that space in God's heart that only I could fill.
Alexander is a man who many people would have looked at and labeled 'crazy' or 'homeless' or 'needy', but that night on the riverside I looked into his dark eyes and saw the face fo Jesus. And do you know what he said? Love me.
The greatest commandment isn't that we are supposed to feed the poor. It isn't that we are supposed to build homes for those who don't have one or to go to the places in which we are needed most. The greatest commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Only after you do that can you "love your neighbour as yourself."
Your love for people should flow out of your love for God, not the other way around.
When you love God first that love will manifest itself in your life so that everything you do will be full and complete in that love.

"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:11,12
Only after realizing what it means to truly love God can we ever discover how to love others the way we were created to.

I found God in the most unexpected of places. In the face of a rejected man playing his trumpet in a dark walkway. Or maybe I didn't find God at all. Maybe, in fact, it was he who found me.
I went to New Orleans to give something of myself, but instead I ended up receiving a part had lost. By learning what it really meant to love God, I learnt not only how to better love others, but also how to truly love myself.
I left a piece of my heart in New Orleans, but I also took with me a part of myself I rediscovered.

"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:1-4

changing years...

Last night I was hanging out with my friends when one of them said, "I wish you were a year younger... well, that we could rewind this past year and you never would have met certain people and then things could have been the way you wanted them."
And at first I agreed, I mean things would have been a heck of a lot easier if certain things hadn't happened. I could have been "happier."
But I woke up this morning and as my friend's words came back to me I began to reject what she had said. It was my birthday on Sunday. 19, I can hardly believe it. But though 18 was a hard year for me, it was also one of the best and I wouldn't trade any of it, the heartache, the pain, the smiles, the laughter, nothing. Maybe if things had turned out differently I could have what I want, but at the same time, I like my life how it is. Everything that happened has it's purpose and it's place, not one moment was a waste. I learned a lot, especially when it came to matters of the heart like friendship, love, and forgiveness.
I fell in love this year. And I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gone through the things I did. I don't think I would have the relationship that I have with God right now if it weren't for those hard times when it seemed like he was all I had. Strength is built in weakness, love built in war.
In one of the cards I recieved a close friend of mine wrote, "18 was good. But 19 will be great..."
I hope she's right.
This year is full of new begginings. New home, new school, new friends, new opportunities. A ton of new experiences. I hope everything changes. I hope that I learn to love and appreciate my family and friends more, I hope I discover things I have never known, I hope that things don't stay the same because on this earth nothing is perfect, so that means that things can only get better. They could get worse, but that only means that eventually they will have to get better.
I'm finally choosing to look at the better side of life. Instead of wishing that last year had been different (and don't get me wrong my friend had the BEST of intentions in saying that. She wanted me to be happy... and I am) I choose to see how great it really was. Maybe things that happened then are hindering me now, but that's the way they are supposed to be and that only means that there is something much greater out there waiting for me. Waiting for me to find it and embrace it and call it my own. Maybe I would have been stronger had I not been hurt, maybe I would have been a better Christian had I not screwed up those times, maybe I would still have certain friendships. But maybe, what I have now is better. God has the ultimate plan for me and that plan is perfect. So no matter what I go through, no matter the weight life puts on my, I know in the end it will all be worth it, because when I reach my everlasting I will be the happiest girl on earth, and in heaven.
Amen.

Pre-New Orleans

approximately 2 hours and 20 minutes until I leave for New Orleans.
God has been so faithful this week. Against all odds he has provided me with courage and confidence. He has provided for my finacial needs, my emotional needs, everything. I have been blessed far more than I deserve, starting with the amazing family I have. My biological family and also my spiritual one. You are all the most supportive and amazing people. I could never ask for a better family.

I think New Orleans is going to be a much needed experience for me. It is going to be hard, hot, and physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. So if you are reading this post, please pray for me. Pray that I will have humilty and patience.

Pray for the team going down- there are 13 of us in total. And the people that are driving us to Buffalo and back. Pray that everyone will be safe and that we will be able to build relationships with oneanother and help eachother grow in Christ.

But more than anything pray that this trip will bring God glory and honour and uplift his Kingdom and his name. Pray that we will be able to show God's to the people of New Orleans in the most powerful and enriching way: humble service.

Thank-you to everyone who supported our team and is praying for us. You are such a huge blessing. The home front is equally important as the people actually going down there so thank-you.

God Bless.

alone

i won't let anyone in
this i promise you
i've made one last mistake
now i'm going in alone

i won't wait now
i've had my practice
i finally know how to walk away
now i'm going in alone

had enough of the heartache
of all the broken promises
no last chance will i take
now i'm going in alone

i used to lean so hard
on everyone that i loved
but what happnes when they break
i'll have to go in alone

now if i fail
i'll know just who to blame
but at least it won't be fake
now that i'm in this alone

leave you all behind
friends, yes even family
it's not that i hate
but i have to do this alone

then maybe i can come back in
sit back down, after i've had time to think
but for now
i need to be alone

i'll build up every wall
high and so strong
only one day to watch them shake
when i'm ready not to be alone

but for now please leave
get out, hurry
don't wait for me to break
i have to do this alone

i have to make it on my own

--anonymous

eek!

So I finally put my music on Myspace...
EEK!
It was scary. And took a long time for me to rack up the courage to actually do it.
My music is a part of me and so if people don't like it, I feel rejected. Because when people reject my music it feels like they are also regecting me.
But one morning I woke up and decided that I didn't care anymore.
God knows where this music comes from. Maybe it's not all about Him and my love for Him, but it is from my heart, which he created.
I have never been a very confident person. And I can hear the person reading this now thinking "what!? you are soo confident." But seriously, I'm not.
Putting my music on Myspace was a huge step because lately, everytime I have put myself out there, I have come back broken hearted.
But this is something I just had to do. A step I had to take in life. A step towards caring only what God thinks. He created my voice, my ability to play instruments. He gave me the gift of words, the love for writing and the need to express myself. So God, this is all for you. Even if it's not all about you, it's all for you.

www.myspace.com/kaitjongsma
leave comments please =)

Real Love

This is real love.
The love Dick Hoyt has for his son is a love that is beautiful and rare in our world.
A love the believes, that is self-sacrificing. A love that will do anything to see others happy, a love that dreams and then does everything it can to reach those dreams.
The father-son relationship between Dick Hoyt and his son Rick is one that is unseen and unexperienced by most. Why? Why is real love so rare to us? Shouldn't we all be living like this?

Lately I have struggled with the thought that God is love. Not that God himself is love, because that concept is not very hard to grasp, but the concept that God is the only one who can show us what real love is. God is the only one who can show us how to love eachother spiritually. Without God, there is always a part of love that is missing, a part that cannot be recognized, understood, or shown until we first know the love of God.

I am not putting Dick Hoyt on a pedestal here and saying that he is an amazing man for loving his son the way God intended for us to love oneanother, but I am saying that he should be an example to us all, an inspiration. But not only that, he can also show us the love of our Father, love which we may have previously been misisng out on.

We are all born spiritually handicapped. Like Rick we struggle to make it through life. When we come to know Christ, that handicap is overcome and we are made into a new person with a new identity in Christ. However, God must still carry us. There are many things we wish we could do on our own, but we can't. We are not God, we do not have his power, his strength, his capabilities. So he carries us. He runs with us. He lifts us up and helps us to acheive our dreams. Like Dick runs marathons for his son Rick, God does this for us. He sacrifices the things he loves most to help us become, and to overcome.
Satan see's us as useless, he thinks that we should be put away and he leads us to believe that we have nothing to offer. Then God comes in and gives us the tools we need to accomplish things. He shows us that with his help, we can do anything. For nothing is impossible with God.

I can't answer for anyone else, but I know why my love is sometimes not the real love that God has given me. It is not because I am human, or because I live in a fallen world, or becasue I am actually unable to love the way I was meant to. Though those could be other factors. The real reason is that I am selfish. until we overcome our need to put ourselves first we will never be able to love the way we were meant to. God put our hearts before the life of his one and only Son. What will you do to experience the love of God? What will you do to help others do the same?
I can only imagine.

falling off bicycles while reading good books...

today i fell off a bicycle while reading a good book.
well... almost.
the books were actually in my bag, which was actually in my brothers possesions. and i didn't actually fall off my bicycle. in fact, it was more of a 'get off becasue i'm home now'. but i was riding the bicycle.
the rest was just a dream...
that phrase, "falling off bicycles while reading good books" was produced during a conversation with my best friend.
she foud it funny that i went on a bike ride because apparently i am the type of person she can just picture getting distracted and running into random objects, then getting up looking around to make sure no one noticed and quickly riding away. funny thing is, i'd probably do it too.
but i'm not the only one. in fact i think everyone has fallen off a bicycle while reading a good book at some point in time, if not, then you will.
see, you get on the bike. you start riding. you have a purpose for riding. you want to get in shape, you have a destination, you want to have fun, whatever. you ride.
then along the way something distracts you. nothing big really. maybe a sunset, or a interesting person, or a random road sign (i do that all the time, for some reason i feel the need to read road signs), anything really. one moment you are on your bike riding down the road and the next you are face-planted in the asphalt, pebbles sticking to your face and your helmet twisted so weird the strap is now digging into your neck.
we try to go somewhere in life and things along the way distract us, they make us stumble or even temporarily forget what we were doing in the first place. those things can be good things or they can be bad. maybe their taking you off a bad path or maybe they're preventing you from moving forward on a good one. distractions aren't always a bad thing but there seems to be a negative connotation that goes along with the word 'distraction'.
i think we should be careful on the path but i also think that every once in a while we should let some distractions in, often they are what bring us back to reality. if you work too hard towards one thing, other things that used to be important can start to fade away.
read good books while riding bicycles and hope that if you do happen to fall off, you'll land in the grass.

live.love.laugh.

I was reading Tara Cleaver's blog, as i often do, and her post, as usual, made me think really hard. This is some of what she wrote:

I've realized that in our heart of hearts, we all know what we want to do with our lives. But we don't want to admit it to anyone... in some cases, we don't even want to admit it to ourselves, because what if it doesn't happen? I think it's at the point where our dreams are so precious to us that, to speak them aloud makes them vulnerable, makes us vulnerable....I think that, as human beings, we need hope. We need dreams. We need to hope and to dream. We need to do so wisely, but to not hope or dream at all is to kill part of the essence of who we are. God gives us the ability to dream and to hope for a reason. Dare to dream.

After reading Tara's post over again today I realized that I had stopped dreaming. I felt that having expectations led to being hurt and so i decided not to expect things anymore. But because i stopped expecting things from other people i also stopped expecting things from myself. I got tired of one-way friendships, of me trying and having no one (except a few people, one of whom is one of my best friends, the most loyal and honest girl I know, and is not even a Christian) give back; i got tired of the lack of a second job so i stopped looking for one; i kept messing up as a Christian and so decided it was pointless to try anymore; i was afraid of not being able to go to school so i pretty much decided in my mind that i wasn't going and if i did, i wouldn't make it.
Living like that is like living in hell: living with absolutely no hope. What do you have to live for when you have no hope? Don't ever live like that. Don't ever give up hope, because when you do you give up on life. If you don't have hope then you pretty much don't have motivation and so you stop doing things. Instead put your hope in God because he is the only one who will ever see you through, forever.
I hate that we try to defend ourselves. We try and stop ourselves from getting hurt and then wind up hurting ourselves more in the process. We take some risks, we'll do stupid things like jump off 60 foot bridges or skydive. If we get hurt we often just want to do it again. But when it comes to the heart we become more guarded and, eventually, some of us just shut down and shut everyone out. But life is about taking risks, it's about dreaming and hoping and seeing how far you can go. Live your life. Laugh. Love. Take chances.

"'But they did end, all of them,' I said. 'They failed.'
'Maybe some would say so,' she said... 'But I think, personally, that it would be worse to have been alone all that time. Sure, maybe I would have protected my heart from those things, but would that really have been better? To hold myself apart becasue I was too scared...'
'..then at least you're safe. The fate of your heart is your choice, and no one else gets a vote.'
She considered this.. 'Well, it's true that I have been hurt in my life. Quite a lot. But it's also true that I have loved, and been loved. And that carries a weight of it's own. A greater weight, in my opinion... The problems, the sadness... those will be there too, but just smaller slivers, tiny peices.'
'I just think that you have to protect yourself,' I said. 'You can't just give yourself away.'
'No,' she said. 'You can't. But holding people away from you, and denying yourself love, that doesn;t make you strong. If anything, it makes you weaker. Because you're doing it out of fear... Fear of taking a chance. Of letting go and giving into it, and that's what makes us what we are. Risks. That's living. Being too scared to even try it- that's just a waste. I can say I made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret things. Because at least I didn't spend a life standing outside, wondering what living would be like.' " (From: This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen)

Hold on to hope. I always hear the saying "if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your future plans, "and it's true. But that doesn't mean you can't dream about the person you want to become. Planning out our lives in detail will lead to heartbreak but hoping for a life full of love and laughter, that's something that can happen. Don't hold onto anything that offers a line, but don't deny living because you're afraid it will hurt too much. "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all..." Trust and put your hope in God tell him your dreams and then lay them down so that he can create the dream he has for your life. It's the hardest thing you will ever do at times, but when it comes down to it, it's all that matters.

"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires." -Psalm 37:3,4

the Fray vs. Hillsong United

Friday night I went to see the Fray in concert... i absoulutely luved it. They sounded ten times better live than they do on their CD and they put on a really good show. Not to mention the lighting and set-up was unbelieviably well done, i like it when concerts are visually appealing. About 3/4 of the way through the concert they brought the drummer down to the floor and sang a song about someone's daughter getting married, it was really touching. Then they start singing "Hips Don't Lie" by Shakira and I almost peed my pants it was soo funny! The drummer (who i think is awesome, talented and actually interacts instead of sitting there with a bored look on his face like other drummers do. He actually makes funny faces and looks like he's enjoying what he's doing) anyways.. the drummer sang the parts that the make in the song sings and it was hilarious. Bjorn and i stood there laughing our butts off. haha
but the point of my post is, as much as i liked going to see the Fray (and trust me i liked it a LOT), the Hillsong worship concert i went to 2 weeks prior was a way better experience. Not becasue the Fray sucked or Hillsong was more talented or anything. But the energy at a worship concert is so different from one at a secular concert. People engage, they worship, they actually put their hearts into the song. They do it for a reason. People go to secular concerts because it's entertaining and fun. Your heart can still be in it (mine definately was becasue i can relate to many of the Fray's lyrics) but it's just not as powerful.
I left the Fray concert thinking, that was fun I had a really great time. Whereas after Hillsong United I left thinking, that was amazing! I am so pumped and full of life right now! God is good!
I can't even explain the difference, but there is a huge gap between the experience I had at a worship concert and the experience I had at a secular concert. If you've ever felt that then you know what I mean, if you havn't, sorry I know I suck at explaining things. But as I was sitting there at the Fray concert, singing along to the songs I started to wonder. Do people who haven't been to a worship concert even know what their missing?
I am blessed to know God and know what it is like to feel loved by Him. I am blessed because I can go through life with an undefined peace, a sense of wonder and amazement at the life I'm living. Not many people can say that, and that should be my motivation to tell them...
something to think about.

i've always heard people say "everything happens for a reason"
and at first, i always believed them
but then came that day
when something happened i couldn't explain

it hit me suddenly, i wasn't even seeking
then a star shoots arcoss the sky and suddenly life has reason
but i didn't find it where i thought; everywhere i searched
i didn't think i'd ever gain, this much on earth

but now time has passed, and i've started to lose faith
how could i trust when every promise you decided to break
it slips out of my hands, glass shatters on the ground
and reason turned everything upside down

now i have scars of where the glass sliced my hand
and though i try to forget, i know i never can
becasue when things get broken they're so hard to fix
and the good things in life are hard not to miss

so now i wonder, was it all true
has that little saying has paid it's due?
through the unexplainable i find reason in it all
lessons learnt about how not to fall

these scars are worth the life i have recieved
now i know what true living really means
it's not giving in, it's giving all out
love, hope, and faith are what life's all about

Chaos

It's all around me. Everywhere I go. Everything I see. It's in everything I do. Driving down city streets. Walking across bridges. Entering my bedroom, clothes hastily strewn on the floor. Lying in my bed at night, listening to the silence and trying to make sense of it all. I look all around me and I think, this is not me. My world is breaking at the seams. But this is not me.

As hard as I try I can't seem to find any space. It's closing in. Life just keeps piling up and as hard as I try I can't find the bottom. Getting lost within chaos is uterly chaotic.

Magazines get thrown at me. Look at this, this is who you are supposed to be, they say. The television blinds my vision, telling me how I should live my life. Five easy steps to becoming a better person. Another self-help book falls out of my fusturated hands and onto the floor. The music is loud and I want to scream. I'm not a "stupid girl", I swear!

Eventually I become tired of this. Of the chaos. Eventually I come to the place where I fall on my knees and actually try opening my heart. And here is where I break.

He's all around me. Everywhere I go. Everything I see. He's in everything I do. Driving down city streets. Walking across bridges. Entering my bedroom, my clothes still hastily strewn on the floor. Even at night when the moonlight shines through my window. I take a look around me and I think, this is not me. Show me who I am.

Finally, after going through days, months, maybe even years of not listening I hear a voice. You are mine. I have chosen you.

Standing at a worship concert. Listening to the sound of a thousand voices singing and yet I am able to hear that still small voice. I have other plans for you.

Ready to pull my hair out becasue I am so fustrated with life. This neverending cycle of not being good enough has only gotten worse. When will I ever be good enough for you? It seems that being a Christian is a losing battle. I can't take the continual reminder that I just don't measure up. But then I hear that voice. I love you, all of you. Not just the good parts. Not just sometimes. Even when you hate me, I still love you.
I start to realize that falling is a part of the journey. You have to fail in order to learn. Yes, I struggle and no, God doesn't like to see me sin. But at the same time all my faults shape me into the person that I am, and push me to strive to be the person I will become.

God answers prayer. It may take a long time. It may not be the answer you want. But he does answer. Sometimes we just don't realize it because we are too busy worrying, or feeling sorry for ourselves, or trying to become something we're not. Sometimes we make our lives and our thoughts so chaotic that God can't get a word in edgewise. When we surround ourselves with things of the world and start to care more about what the world thinks than what God thinks we set oursleves up for failure. God should be our measuring stick. So sit back and listen for the voice of God. He'll tell you what to do. Today when he spoke to me he reminded me of his promises. I have a plan for you Kaitlyn, but you have to trust me. You have to trust that I know you better than you know yourself. You have to trust that the chaos will turn into something beautiful. All those other things, throw them away. Right now I am all you need.

If your life is choas right now pray that God will speak through it. My life was chaos. It still is. But at least now I am leaning on God to see me through it. You aren't strong. You can't do it by yourself. But you do have to meet God halfway. Listen to him. He'll tell you all you need to know. There's beauty to be found in all that chaos.

here is something only two people know about me: i like to write songs...
most of them are pretty lame. im not so great with words, i tend to repeat myself a lot (in case you havn't noticed) and im really not all that musically talented. so whether it's on the piano or on the guitar, the songs wind up being... well... boring.
but every so often i'll come up with a really good couple of phrases and be proud of myself. like last night. randomly i started strumming on my guitar, trying out some new techniques my guitar teacher had taught me, and a sweet chord progression came out. not sweet in the sense that i usually use that word as in "sweet im excited!" but sweet as in, my ears liked what they were hearing. and then, words followed. and i was proud of myself. the song will probably never be heard by anyone else, and definately will never find it's way onto the radiowaves. but it's a tune from the heart and for me, that's all that matters.
then today i was rummaging through the binder where i keep all my writing, and i found a song that i probably wrote over a year ago (i really should put dates on things, but then again the content usually reminds me of when it was written). and this song really related to me right now (funny how our past catches up with us).
now im not going to lie, i probably wrote this song about a boy. though around this time last year there were no significant male figures in my life so i wonder if i really did...
but right now it just made me think about things... like prayer, and how our first response is to demand answers from God and wonder what we are doing wrong when he doesn't answer our prayers in the way or in the time that we want him to. and then we sort of give up on God and give in to our selfishness by trying to control the sitiauation or by continuing to worry about it. we give it all away because we feel like there is nothing else we can do. But that's not the way it should be. prayer isn't about getting answers, it's about talking to God and it's about surrender. I don't think you shouldn't expect any answer, but i do think that you shouldn't expect a specific answer. prayer is more about God and giving him the freedom to do what he wants, rather than getting what you want.
anyways... unless your sly and know how i secretly post my own lyrics without letting people actually know they're mine, this is probably all you'll ever get out of me.

Silent (mistake)

the silence is coming in clear/got the message, don't hesitate to call/the shots you took one by one/chances; opportunities you should have took while they were young/the spark gets so much smaller/the fire that never starts, not at all/failings i swore would not become/lost, not found; torn away and their gone//what mistakes did i make/what mistakes did i make/trust thrown away/what mistakes did i make//this room shall stand alone here/as the stars they all start to fall/the chords right out, one by one/confusion, distraction; wars lost and battles won//what mistakes did i make/what mistakes did i make/gave it all away/that mistake i did make//

summer inside your heart

Things I love most about summer...

1) Walking along the beach as the sun goes down. Seeing the sky change colours. Feeling at peace. You just get the feeling as if everything is right with the world.

2) Lying on the dock after a swim across the lake, feeling the sun warm your skin. Listening to the sound of the water as it laps against the dock while reading your Bible and watching the sun rise.

3) Roasting marshmellows and making smores while having some quality campfire talk with close friends.

4) Walking through the woods alone in the morning. Hearing the birds, talking to God.

5) Water. Love it. The cold, wet feeling on your skin is refreshing after sitting in the sun all day.

6) Sunsets.

7) Stars at night over the lake. If you're lucky you get to see the red moon rising. I saw one last year while camping, it was... uniquely beautiful.

As much as I love winter, the snow, the pure beauty of it (until it's been ruined by snow plows, cars, and multiple footprints that is), I also love summer. Spring is my favourite season of all time. New life, sunshine, flowers. In spring you get the feeling of coming out of a dark place. The dark, sometimes dreary winter is over and now summer can begin. But summer, summer has this atmosphere to it that you can't find anywhere else. First off it's warm, but at night it cools down enough to need to snuggle up in that comfy sweater and sit by the fire with some good hot chocolate. In summer you can spend the whole day outside, you can swim (i absolutely love water), water-ski, tube, zip-line (ahh camps days...). There's just this feeling you get when summer first starts, the first warm day of the year. It's like nothing else. It's almost as good as the type of feeling you get when you come out of a hard time in life and enter into the period of absolute peace. Your heart just heaves a sigh and then... peace. There's warmth, light, even when the darkness comes it's still amazing. That is the kind of peace that resting in God brings. The same kind of peace you get when you finish school and get to look forward to a stress-free summer of good weather. Sure the storms come every so often, but once you have that first summer experience, the memory of it never goes away. It gives you the ability to enjoy the winter, but at the same time look forward to that peaceful summer feeling again. Though other things in life may still be crazy, there's summer inside your heart.

lost art...

This past month has been stressful for me. Life just seems to want to get under my skin and make me as uncomfortable and touchy as possible. Exhibit A: I still do not have a full-time job, though I am working 30+ hours at my part-time job this week...
Yesterday, however, was a much needed break from life. Even if it was only for a couple of hours. I woke up early in the moring and drove up to York University with a good friend of mine, just listening to music and talking on the way. When we got there we walked around and did stuff for about 3 hours. It was really relaxing, even if my already wounded feet were screaming at me.
In York's academic buildings there are paintings displayed in almost every hall. I don't know about you, but I love art. I could spend hours in an art gallery just talking about the paintings. We went to this mock photography exhibit that was set up to look just like the original photographers, it was interesting to see how one person viewed the world from behind his camera lense.
Of course we had places to go, things to do, but there wasn't any rush.

I wish life were like that. I wish we never felt compelled to make things happen. To do it now or do it never. Some things should be a priority, like telling people you love them, reconcilliation, forgiveness, or spreading the gospel. But other things, other things are meant to be drawn out, to be waited on. Some things in life just aren't supposed to happen right here, right now.
And maybe this sounds crazy, but I think that the most beautiful part of the path of life is the waiting part. Waiting creates anticipation. When you wait you get to experience something that wouldn't otherwise be there.
Waiting makes the thing you are waiting for more exciting. It makes it more worthwhile because you had to wait. It's like sometimes the anticipation of something is more exciting than the thing itself.
I'm reminded of that scene in Denis the Menace where Mr.Willson is waiting for the rare flower to bloom. The flower is beautiful, but the fact that he had to wait however many years to witness it's 5 minute bloom makes seeing it so much more gratifying.

In short, don't underestimate the power of time. Right now I have to wait to get a job, but when I do get one, the one I'm intended to get, it will be so much more rewarding than if I got one right off the bat. I will have worked hard and searched long for that job.

In today's society waiting is a lost art. We get everything we want when we want it. Hit a button and the TV turns on, red eye flights, fast-food, instant millions, instant coffee. But the things that will really matter to us in the end, the things that will really satisfy us, are the things we wait for. There is no greater reward than being given something that you have long waited for.

"For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay." --Habakkuk 2:3

"But they that wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint." --Isaiah 40:31

"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him." --Psalm 37:7

"The Lord favors those who fear Him, Those who wait for His lovingkindness." --Psaml 147:11

Good Friday

. Jesus' entire body would at last be an unrecognizable mass of torn tissue matted with blood and serum... Throwing His own raiment over His half-swooning body, the Roman Soldiers next forced Him to shoulder the crossbeam to which He should be nailed. The flesh was so weakened by now through emotional exhaustion and loss of blood that the dear Lord Jesus staggered under the load. The crossbeam (sometimes weighing over 100 pounds) was too much, so they pressed a stranger from Cyrene into service...

Once at the site of the crucifixion our Lord would have been froced to lie flat on the ground with His arms stretched apart above His head. Taking a rough, square spike, the centurion on duty would have driven it through His wrist into the crossbeam. The second crude nail would follow into the other wrist...

Fixed firmly in place by the cruel nails, the limp form of Jesus would be hauled by the crossbeam up the pole... Again the searching thumb of the centurion would feel for the indentation between bones, the long spike would be hammered through His feet into the wood beneath.

The excruciating agony of the spike burning though the nerves between the metatarsal bones of the feet jerk the body of the Saviour erect, only to have the leg muscles convulse and drive His body downward. This places body weight on the wrist nails so that the flamming pain explodes in the brain of the Victim as the median nerves shriek their signal of torment. Then, as the muscles of the arms and legs show fatigue, an awful series of spasms cramp Him in positions which make the drawing of breath more difficult. Suffocation drives desperate muscles into action as the gibbeted One strives for oxygen. Then, in the midst of the muscle-tearing convulsions and the sucking in of air which cannot be exhaled until the build-up of carbon dioxide in the lungs and the blood stream relieve the cramps, the glorious Son of God speaks to those about Him!

Then, after having endured hours and hours of unbelievable torture, the final agonies prophetically described in the 22nd Psalm begin to set in. The compressed heart pumps the sluggish, thickening blood into the tissues, becoming like wax melting down into the midst of the bowels. The awful shock to the heart by the locking-cramps, and its constriction by the fluid in the pericardium, blends the watery fluid of the heart sac and the heavy blood from its interior. Having given up His pure Spirit to the Father, at His own will, the Lord Jesus dies. His work on behalf of sinners is finished.

-Duane Spencer

That is what Jesus did for YOU. Remember It

genuine

If you looked into the northwest sky tonight at around 7:40 you would have seen one of the most beautiful sights in the world. The sun wasn't setting, it was just sitting up in the sky behind some rainclouds. The suns rays pierced through the clouds, which were all fluffed up and big like cotton candy.

Then later on, around 8 o'clock, just as it was getting dark, more clouds rolled in and I began to think to myself, weird how something you see every day, like the sky, can always suprise you with it's beauty.
It made me think that the things that are real in this life are the most beautiful. If you've ever seen one of those fake computer-generated pictures of a sunset you know what I mean. Artificial beauty can never stand up against genuine beauty.
I stopped blogging about a month ago because I felt like I wasn't being real. I was writing posts, but not really doing anything. I would talk about things like forgiveness and trusting God and then fail to do those things myself. So I stopped writing. And it was really hard because writing is something I love to do. For the last month I have stopped writing on my blog, in my journal, stopped writing my story, stopped writing pretty much everything except for e-mails (i even took a break from msn for 2 weeks). And where did all this non writing get me? Well instead of writing about things, or just thinking about them I actually started acting on them.

God wants you for real. He doesn't want your words or your promises or even your good intentions. He wants YOU. And personally, i think that way that you act often defines you. So this time I'll say it, and then I'll be real with you- I'm not always genuine. I don't always do the right thing or act the right way or say the right words. When people do thing sto hurt me and I can't figure out why, it takes me a while to forgive them. I'm pretty patient with things and with people, but when I'm driving behind someone slow and I'm late for work I get fustrated. I eat a lot of junk food and well I'm not as humble as I want to be. Some days I just downright feel like a fake. But that's my motivation. That's what gets me thinking that something needs to change and then God goes, okay so this is where you go- this is what you do. Another thing- part of being genuine is giving God credit. He's the one who made the sky, the sky isn't beautiful like that all by itself. He's the one who keeps the sun and clouds in place... He puts thing where they are, He makes all the good things happen. If your life is totally beautiful and amazing that's becasue God made it that way, not becasue of you.

So yea. I've been learning about being genuine lately. And I'm writing because I think it's something everyone struggles with from time-to-time, and at least right now I know that I'm trying to do it myself.

God only wants you if you're real. Really Real. Nobody likes a fake.

<3

If you are an avid reader of my blog then I have some bad news. I won't be posting for a while. I don't know for how long. Sorry guys. It's not forever, my next post (whenever it may be) will explain the reasons. Much love.
--Kait

A month or so I heard a song on the radio and the song the lyrics hit me like a brick. It was werid that I remember them becasue usually I just remember the melody of the song and a bit of the chorus, but somehow I rememberd most of the lyrics to this song after only hearing it once. Then tonight, while driving home from small group I heard another song by the same guy- Mat Kearney. I don't know what it is about this guy's lyrics, but they really get to me. "And I found myself in the bitter fight, while I've held your hand through the darkest night..." those are some of the lyrics to his song Nothing Left to Lose. Crashing Down says, "What am I doing here if you're not with me?" No doubt these songs remind me of God. When life is bitter and stupid, God's there and I'm holding his hand, he's the only thing there is to hold on to when everything else seems to be broken. And honestly, what is the point of being anywhere or doing anything if God isn't there, if you're not doing it for him? But these songs don't only remind me of God, they remind me of people in my life, or who aren't in my life anymore, and of circumstances and choices I've made. Those lyics from Nothing Left to Lose remind me of a couple years ago when I had to sit by and watch my friend battle an illness in the hospital. I'd visit her everyday. I wouldn't necessarily hold her hand while sitting in the dark, but it felt like it because she was in a dark period of her life and it was a dark period in my life too, a dark period for our friendship. She was fighting for her life and I was trying to fight for her.

Bottom Line: Mat Kearney has some pretty cool lyrics. Even though he is a guy, and often sings about guy issues, I can relate to what he's saying because I take it from a girls perspective. Lines like, "I guess I'm looking for the right way to do this, I guess I'm looking for the right things to call pretty... I've been looking round for someone to tell me who I am" talk about life as a boy with a shady father, but to me that song speaks about my struggle with self worth. Sweetness. If you don't listen to Mat Kearney then check him out, he's pretty sweet.

http://www.matkearney.com/

"When all is lost, all is left to gain" --Mat Kearney

what could I possibly give?

There are multiple things I could be posting about right now, but most of them can wait.
It may seem selfish, but this blog is going to be about me. Sorry I know... so stop reading now if your uninterested.

For those who are, here goes. Lately I feel useless. I sit at home most days, reading my Bible or blogging or posting on facebook. Ocasionally I'll take my dog out for a walk, or go outside and take some pictures. Most days I see at least one friend, which is good. But I still feel useless. At least when I was in school I was contributing somehow. At least there I can actually be a witness to others (though my actions had to speak, cuz my words often didn't). But how am I contributing to society or to furthering God's Kingdom when I sit at home all day by myself? Every so often I'll have a conversation with one of my boss's at work about religion and ocasionally I will get an encouraging comment on my blogg. But other than that my life is null. How have the past 4 weeks contributed to anyone's faith but my own?

Well next week I have a interview for a full-time decently paying job. At least then I will be making money and not sittingat my house. But I feel restless. There is something missing here. And today I think I found out what it is. I want to be a youth psychologist when I'm done University. I have a heart that breaks for my generation and the generations that will come after me. I cry when I even think about some of the issues that face teens today. I hate it. I hate the fact that so many people are out there dying inside because no one ever told them that they are loved. Especially that they are loved by God. I want to show youth that they can have something more. I know what it feels like to lose something, whether it's friends, family, health, security, ideals, innocence, or self worth. I just want to somehow give back. But to be honest can I really do anything? Can one person really make an impact on other people's lives?

I was reading an article on the Embassy Website today called "I couldn't get the poorest of poor out mind". This article really made me think about what I can do to help others, becasue sitting in my warm, big house with tons of food and entertainment just doesn't cut it. But I can't MAKE a difference. I can't make anything. Only God can. So today I learned that if I give what little time and resources I have to God, he can use them like he used three fish and five loaves of bread.

"Of course we are going to feel despair at what difference we can “make” in the world amongst the images on our TV of millions of suffering people, if we depend on our own resources, wisdom and power. Yet as Temples of the Holy Spirit, when someone asks us or when we wonder what we can offer the millions of people in extreme need, we no longer have to look to ourselves and despair, but instead look to the One who inhabits us and realize He is the difference. Yes it’s easier to change the channel than change the world. Yet when we “bring the difference:” God Himself, into the impoverished communities and back alleys of our world, we are able to live and provide through the power of the One who fed thousands of people from a packed lunch."

I know I can't do anything. But God, well he can do everything. He can work miracles if you trust him enough to do so. I think our lack of belief and trust in God is what reaps our dissatisfaction with the impact we ahve made. We don't trust in God so we depend on ourselves, but that's not right. Sometimes you have to act first, ask questions later. You have to take the step of faith first, and then you'll get the results. That's why it's called faith.

there are moments in life that change the world. moments you never thought would matter and yet have come to be the only ones that do. It is the small things, the insignificant things, the weak and the poor. It is all of the things that we hold so lowly in regard that can push us so far over the edge. When you begin to think that something doesn't matter to you, you will find out how much it truly does. There is a power in this universe that is higher than your own.

We make our plans. We decide our fate. And then God comes in and rearranges our pre-conceived notions of what life is supposed to look like. Things don't always work out the way you want them to. It's a hard lesson to learn. One year ago I thought that I wanted to go to Western and study literature/journalism. Now I am heading almost on the completely opposite direction to Waterloo to study Psychology. Three months ago I had thought that I would never go on a missions trip, now I will hopefully be going to New Orleans in August and to Africa when I graduate University. That just shows how much life can change.

The worst part of all this, is we sit there planning out our lives and GOd is sitting up in Heaven laughing at us.. not harsh laughter but the kind of chuckle that you get when a five-year old tells you he wants to be Spiderman. It's that smile that creeps on your face because though you are proud that the child has ambitious dreams, you know they'll never become Spiderman. God knows our lives (which sometimes I think is scary, but most of the time am able to find rest in, because I know that things will work out okay). God's will for my life and yours will be worked out. He was able to use the free choices of others to make Jesus life and death possible.

"there are some people in life that you will never forget. they could be the friend that you've known your whole life. or the stranger that smiled at you on the street the day a raincloud was following you.people have immesurable worth. they cannot be bought or sold or used only when needed. and yet they can amuse. they can entertain. love. give. be found. and be lost.people are the one thing in life that cannot be replaced. we cannot go out and pick out another mom off the shelf. or go down to the mall and randomly choose our new best friend.it's funny though. you can't buy a friend. but you can earn one. because the only way to have a friend, is to first be one."

today i was looking at this random picture i took a while ago of a tree in the forest behind my house. The tree has some grafiti on it and behind it, shining through the forest, was the setting sun. I didn't really think much of it when i was looking at it, it's actually a pretty crap photo becasue the lighting really sucked. But now i think that despite the apparent bleakness, that picture has potential.

"Like a photograph, character is developed in the dark."

I think it is stunning how God uses things that look kind of lack-lustre and grungy to create something glorious. It actual stuns me. Because though the forground of the picture was a little dreary and undefined, the sun behind it was clear and bright and colourful. Instead of focusing on what was truly brilliant about that picture, I chose to photograph the tree. I think our lives are like that sometimes. Sometimes we get so caught up in the here-and-now of life that we neglect God. We don't shove him out of the picture entirely, but he definately isn't our focus. And you know what? He doesn't push his way around. He just sits back behind the trees, still shining through and sometimes we don't even notice. When we look at the picture of our life and focous on ourselves, we run to God and ask him why our lives look so dull and empty and boring. But what we don't realize is that the potential for a life truly lived is hidden behind those trees. If we take the focus off ourselves and focus on he who is truly glorious and should be in the froefront of our lives, the picture will turn out much better than we could have ever imagined possible.

It's like a test. God says, "okay, here is the situation you are in" and you say, "uhh yea God! this stinks! change it please." But nothing happens, or maybe something does. For me the situation just got worse and I just felt more dull and unlively and just plain BLAH. It was gross, literally, like greeny-grey GROSS. But this morning i woke up and it was like God was right there and he was saying "maybe if you focused less on your needs and your feelings, and started focusing more on me and what I did for you things would change." And I think I almost smacked myself upside the head. What is the point of doing Lent if you aren't even going to spend time thinking about the cost of what Jesus did? What is the point of God teaching you something if you aren't even going to pay attention? What is the point of forgivness if you aren't willing to forigve others? What is the point of going into the darkroom if you don't even intend to develop a photograph?

laugh.out.loud

have you ever had a time when you just laugh out loud, for no reason? and when you do, people turn and look at you sort of weird, like you're crazy.
and maybe you are, i mean you just laughed out loud when nothing remotely funny was going on, except maybe inside your head. But i think that when i do that (laugh out loud randomly, not think of something funny inside my head haha) God laughs too becasue he knows why im laughing.
so you're probably like, "uhh kait? why were you laughing?" and to be honest i don't know. i was just having a good day and a smile didn't seem to do the day justice, so i laughed instead. how many times in my life have i been able to do that? to laugh because a smile just wasn't good enough? not nearly as many times as i would have liked, but then again God hasn't been a huge part of my life for as long as i would have liked either. The more that i grow in my relationship with God the more i find that he delights in me. He loves to see me smile, to hear my laugh. he loves it when i talk with him (meanwhile some people just wish i would shut up), he loves it when i spend time with him, and grow with him, and learn from him. Yea sometimes we have to go through suffering in order to learn things and as Christians we are walking the hard, bumpy, curby 'i don't know what's coming next' path. But i think sometimes, when you choose to conciously put the bad stuff aside and focus on Jesus, you get that laugh-out-loud experience.
I love that. becasue even when some things in life suck, and when you have worked yourself into a mini hole-in-the-ground like i have lately, God knows how to make you smile. He created you and knows the things inside your heart. He knows what makes you more happy than anything in the world. He knows how to make you laugh.out.loud.

but i'm just a little teapot

I repeated math this year at school. (why am i talking about school when i am no longer in one? well read on and you'll find out). The reasons i repeated it are: 1) to bring up my mark (obiviously), 2) so that my overall average would go up which would make me eligible for better scholarships and 3) becasue it's actually useful and i wanted to make sure i had it down. But this is what gets me: i found it okay to retake math so that i could solidify my knowledge on the subject, but i don't find it okay when God trys to teach me something i already know.

What the heck is up with that? Stupid, that's what it is. The truth is, God could teach me the same thing a thousand times and that doesn't mean that i would understand. Like right now, God is teaching me to trust him and i'm all like, "God i already know how to do that... remember November? that was 'trust God when everything else falls aparts' month. I know how to trust you, i don't need to learn it again." But i do. because though in November i learnt to trust God with what is probably the most important thing in my life other than my relationship with him, i didn't learn how to trust him with the smaller things. things that still matter very much, but aren't nearly as close to my heart as that one big thing, things like friendships, a job, the future, and issues my friends are dealing with.

Why do i not like it when God try's to reteach me something? Because i know that in order to learn something well enough, you have to figure it out for yourself. You have to wander around aimlessly and find the answer or the truth will never stick. and i hate that because usually that involves pain. Trusting God means that you put what you want aside. You put your worries, you anxieties, everything you care about at his feet and say, "okay. you drive the car, i'll sit in the back. you write this story, i'll just be the main character." Trusting God means letting go of what you want and surrendering to the fact that God's story may not contain the ending that you hoped for.

i used to think that when it came to trusting God, i was pretty strong. but now i know that it's only when he works through me that i am. because honestly, i'm selfish and i want what i want and trusting God makes me vulnerable and unsure. trusting God makes me seem weak. But God uses that. I've used ths quote before but i'm using it again because i love it, it's a Christians life story (or should be).

"Like common pottery we are fragile and flawed and break easily. But God will use us if we allow him to work through our weaknesses." ~ Rick Warren

Lent

In the Bible 40 days is a significant period of time Moses and Elijah spent in 40 days in the wildreness, the flood occured over a span of 40 days and nights, Jonah gave the Ninevites 40 days to repent, Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days while being tempted, and the Isrealites spent 40 years years wandering around trying to find the Promised Land. Lent is a period of fasting from both food and activities. It is a time of repentance and refletion. In today's society people usually give up something that they enjoy and devote the time they would have spent doing that to doing something for God, or donate the money they would have spent to a charity or the Church.

"Lent is a way to place ourselves before God humbled, bringing in our hands no price whereby we can ourselves purchase our salvation. It is a way to confess our total inadequacy before God, to strip ourselves bare of all pretense to righteousness, to come before God in dust and ashes. It is a way to empty ourselves of our false pride, of our rationalizations that prevent us from seeing ourselves as needy creatures, of our "perfectionist" tendencies that blind us to the beam in our own eyes."

I love that. Lent is time of humility, repentance and of waiting. It's a time to dig deeper into the heart of God and express your utmost thankfuness for what he has done for you. You can not do anything to save yourself, only Jesus can save you. Jesus gave up his whole life for you. That's why I am doing Lent this year. Jesus gave up his whole life for me, but not only that. He spent most of his time here on Earth being ridiculed and rejected by the very people he came to save. By me. He lived his life as a light amoung the shadows. If Jesus did that for me, if he died so that I might have life, then shouldn't I use that life to show him how greatful I am? That's something we should be doing everyday, not just around Easter time.

The biggest fustration in high school isn't not knowing who you are. It's knowing who you are and not being able to show other people that person. So you just have to wait until someone else discovers you. That's the worst part; the waiting.

Discovering you, discovering me... John Mayer

forget tomorrow

I think the thing i dislike the most about myself is the fact that im forgetful. It's not that im impatient, or loud, or that I feel that I need to help everyone all the time. Because those are things you can change. I can work on being patient, and being more gentle, and I can learn to deal with the fact that I can't help or save everyone (not even God can do that, becasue He can only save those who want to be saved). But forgetfulness, well that's pretty much something I'm stuck with. I mean yea, I can write myself reminder notes or ask people to remind me about things, but when I write those notes, I forget to take them with me (shopping list anyone?) or when I ask people to remind me to do something, they forget too. I think the only way to combat it is to do things right now. You can't put things off all the time. "Oh, I'll call them tomoorrow. I'll do that later. I'll tell them some other time." What's the point of the "here-and-now" if we just leave everything until later? Why wait until tomorrow to tell someone you love them when you can tell them today. Why wait to donate money to charity when you have more money, when you have enough right now? Why call someone tomorrow when you can call them today? Why postpone spending time with someone because you are "too tired" or have "too much homework" or just plain don't feel like it, when maybe tomorrow they are busy or maybe tomorrow you'll forget?
"Whatever you have done to the least of these brother's of mine, you have done to me." ~Jesus

Sorry Jesus, but I'm too busy to talk to you today. I don't have a good job yet, so I'm too poor to give you any money. I'm too tired to help you. Too busy to be with you. Too selfish to think of you.
That's the reality. We say that tomorrow we will feed the hungry, tomorrow we will talk to that senior, tomorrow we will comfort that person, tomorrow we will invest tiem with our family and friends. But Jesus isn't about tomorrow. Jesus is about today. "When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here. My name is I AM" (Helen Mallicoat). Jesus is not "I Was" or "I will be" Jesus is "I AM." Jesus is here, Jesus is now. If you say "tomorrow I'll do it" then what are you going to do today? Don't forget...

yeaa i know.... change. but i was thinking about it and changing the format and template of my blog just makes it easier for other people to read... i may not like it as much but the colours are still cool (i think) and it's what's inside the blogs that counts right? not what it looks like... haha what a cliche, but it's true. you can do everything to change the outward appearance, but it doesn't make a difference if what's inside "ain't got heart". so yea... i changed it. hope you like it. it's growing on me. i'm loving the green...
i'll try to write a more interesting post later but right now my life is pretty boring... i don't go to school. i mostly sit at home all day and read my Bible, or work the odd day shift at Reitmans (thank goodness, if i sat around all day i think i would go crazy). nothing "big" has hit me in the past couple days but God's still teaching me about humility and patience, and looking at the heart by not judging people but seeing them through Heaven's eyes... which reminds me. i'm writing a book... and that's what it's called "Through Heaven's Eyes"... we'll see how that goes. maybe i'll share a bit of it on here, but its pretty rough right now... but we'll see. we shall see.

snowflake

this weekend at Snowflake was... interesting. I was really looking forward to the weekend and i wasn't let down. it was a lot of fun to be able to get away from day-to-day life for a weekend and spend time worshiping and learning about God with my Christian friends. for me this year was totally different than last year. last year i was at a tough point in my walk with God. i was pretty much choosing whether or not to give him presidence in my life or to put him on the backburner and live life my own way. but this year wasn't like that at all... or so i thought. this year God had control of my life, i was trusting him and working really hard at becoming the woman that he wants me to be. but last night i was doing my Bible study and that's when it hit me. In 1st Sameul Hannah asks God to give her son and says that if he answers her plea she will devote her son to God. But Hannah didn't just ask God, she trusted that God would not only hear her, but that he would answer her.
How can you have a trust that big after God has denied your desire so many times before? I thought that was crazy. I want that. becasue so many time you think you're trusting God, but in reality you're not. it doesn't even have to be about anything big, sometimes we just don't trust that God knows what he's doing.
This weekend God taught me a lot about humility. I think humility is one of the hardest things to learn becasue it takes a lot of effort and little recognition. Last year at Snowflake Kevin said that if you ask for humility, be ready to have the test of your life becasue it's hard and sometimes it hurts. and at the time i was like" yea right... it can't be THAT hard"... boy was i wrong.
humility is one of those things where everyday you have to lay down your pride and your wishes and just let God shine. it's like you become invisible. you have to trust God and not get upset when other people don't pay attention to you or recognize your acts fo service. and trust me, i am far from humble. being humble is something that will take an entire lifetime. that's what hit me so hard this weekend. I've been praying "God make me humble" and not really having to do much. but humility isn't about the big things, it's about the small stuff. that's what i learned. so i have to work on the little things... but this morning i realized that lately i have screwed up major in the humility department.
now why am i telling the entire internet public this? well first, becasue i know who reads my blogs and i know that if i share my struggles they will pray for me. and also, hopefully they can learn form me too.
so yea.. i had screwed up major, but i didn't even realize it because it wasn't the type of screw up that you really notice. it's not like i had done something and not gotten recognition so i was upset or thought that i was better than someone else. it was that i failed to search my own heart before i jumped to conclusions. i failed to realize that you can't expect something if you aren't willing to give something too. you can't expect God to do something if you don't trust him. so i learned that before you expect something form someone, whether it's God or anyone else, make sure that you're willing to give a little too. it comes down to what Jesus said "love your neightbour as yourself." and i'm not talking about what we learned about loving your enemies though that is majorly important too. i'm talking about treating others like you want to be treated. about not judging or jumping to conclusions, but looking at yourself and humbling yourself before God. it's not about "God why aren't you doing this for me?" Hannah didn't ask that. She asked God to give her a son but only after promising him something in return and trusting in her heart that he would do it. it's about "God i'm going to ask you to do this and im going to trust that you know what's best for me. i'm going to give you my entire life."
as the new radicals would say "You only get what you give." so be humble. look at your own actions before you tell someome, especially God, that they aren't doing a good enough job. a relationship, especially a relationship with God, takes time. you have to move slow to build a founation that's going to last. it doesn't all come at once. that's what i learned this weekend. humility and patience... thanks God :)

worse for wear

I want to become a better person... not.
I think the whole reason we want to become better people is so that other people will like us more. But where is the gain in that? If you change to make one person like you, someone else won't like you. This is the reality: there will always be someone who judges you. There will always be someone that you don't quite get along with or who you just can't seem to build a relationship with. But who cares? God doesn't call us to have everyone love us. He calls us to love everyone. Having enemies is Biblical. Jesus had people that hated him, they went so far as to kill him because they disagreed with his message and way of life so much. But the most important thing is, Jesus loved them. Jesus didn't water down his ministry so that more people would love him. If he did that he would not have been true to himself, or to his father.
"'What i want is anything God can do for me to make me more desirable in my own eyes.' To talk in that way is a sign that the reality of the Gospel of God has not begun to touch me; there is not reckless abandon to God. God cannot deliver me while my interest is merely in my own character." (Everythign Counts- Steve Case)
I think that's something that everyone struggles with, even me. We walk around and think we are being all "selfless" becasue we open doors for people, or smile at strangers, or let other people decided what they want to do. We sit back and say "it doesn't matter to me what we do" thinking that people will think we are self sacrificial because we let the wants of others come before our own wants. But the thing is, if we're not doing those things with the character of Christ in mind, then it's meaningless. People may not see past our charade, but God does. He knows our hearts. That's why it's soo important to be focused on the character of Christ. We do nice things for people because it makes us look good. Don't get me wrong, often we are genuine, we do things because we want to show people that we care. For example, unless i really want to do a particular activity while hanging out with my frineds, i just say that we can do whatever they want. It's not cuz im trying to be selfless and make them think that im a sacrificial person, but because, as long as im with the people i care about, i really don't care WHAT we are doing (unless that something isn't God-honouring).
But sometimes i find myself doing things so that people will notice what i nice person i am. I forget that Christ should be my motivation.
i think that REAL selflessness is living with the very essence of Jesus. Not living so that we can get further, but so that God's Kingdom can.
Just a random thought i had while reading my devo's today.

media

check out this website- the article is pretty long but i found it really interesting.It talks about the effets of media and how much we consume it and i thought it was pretty relevant considering that teens and kids are the people that have the largest intake of media. Also, the media affects your self-image and stuff like that. This week at The Embassy (the youth group at Valley View Alliance church) we're talking about lust, and part of that talk will be about how when girls dress is certain ways it can cause guys to lust after them... we're also talking about how girls dress like that because they want guys to notice them, which has to do with self-esteem issues, which are often affected by the media... you can see where this is going. anyways. if you're bored and have nothing to do check out this site, it's a pretty big eye opener.
http://www.vifamily.ca/library/cft/media.html

radical lesson of the day...

today i learned a valuable lesson. too bad i learned it the hard way, and that it took me 2 weeks to figure it out, but here it is:
don't get too comfortable with your life. i know it sounds weird but it's true. im not saying don't be happy, or don't have peace, or don't like your life, im just saying don't get too comfortable. Why? becasue if you're a Christian this world isn't your real home. Heaven is. and if you start getting too comfortable with your life on earth something is going to have to happen to make you really uncomfortable. i honestly can't tell you if the Bible says this, or if i just heard it during a sermon or a talk with someone, but i do know that we won't ever be totally satisfied on this earth becasue it is not where we are supposed to be. We're supposed to be like "aliens in a foreign country". Lately i have been getting waaay too comfortable. i was settling into my routine life.
wake-up. get dressed. eat breakfast. do devo's. go to school. come home. go to work (or dinner and watch tv). go to bed.
maybe i'd see my friends or read a book or go to youth depending on the day, but that was pretty much it. and i didn't care. i was happy. i had a great relationship with my family, good friends, and for the first time a really amazing relationship with God. and i got used ot everything being "just dandy". i got too comfortable. so for the past 3 weeks God has been trying to get my attention. and im sitting there some nights and i start to think... something's misisng. but what? i have god, i have friends, i have family, i even have a boyfriend... what the heck, what could possibly be wrong? then today i was thinking... when's the last time i got passionate about something like the homeless, or donated money to BWM, or did something totally random for God? it's been a while. i got so caught up in my rountine and my studying, that i missed out on the real part of the Christian life. yea, studying God's word is important, but living in his presence is sooo much more important and probably brings a bit of a bigger smile to his face. (in my opinion). you can't just sit there in your comfy life chair doing nothing. you have to put yourself out there and take a chance and do something radical. This earth isn't where im supposed to be. that doesn't mean i can't have fun, or be happy, but it does mean that i should be focusing on my real home. so don't get too comfortable here, cuz a little bit of akwardness now is worth the eternal warmth your goign to feel when you get to Heaven someday.

p.s. the reason i tell you all this when it seems sort of personal? because when God does something amazing in your life, it's not something you hide and keep to yourself. you tell other people so that they can share your joy and maybe even learn from your mistakes. sometimes you have to open up so that you can help other people. that's what the psychologist in me thinks.

2 official days fo school left. 3 exams to write, and next Monday i am no longer a student (until September). I cannot wait. I love school, i acutally like going there and seeing my friends and having discussions in class and writing essays and doing presentations (yeaa so im a little weird.. whatever). But lately i have just been so tired. And it's weird. for the first time since i've been in high school i wasn't overly stressed about finishing all my summatives or the marks i was getting or anythign like that. But i think the whole life-pile is just weighing down on me lately, that and my lack of sleep. so school's over soon, im hopefully getting an insanely wicked job and will get to spend more time with the people i love. And the best part: (and i am psyched about this) the weekend after im done school i get to go down to Niagara Falls with a bunch on the youth and spend a weekend with my Christian friends, but more importantly with God at Snowflake (the best conference ever if u ask me, though i don't have much to compare it to). A weekend away form school, away form home, away from stress... just a weekend to sit back and rest in the presence of my Saviour.. (not to mention some pretty cool music, a huge water park, and getting to see my favourite thing in nature- the falls... i luuuuv water :D). anyways, so that's a quick update...

chosen... and beautiful

i have a bunch of stuff to write because i havn't posted in quite a while. so tonight is multiple post night. read carefully people cuz this is a rare occurence.

A coupls of weeks ago i wrote a post about this verse:
"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light."~1 Peter 2: 9
and then i went on to talk about how sometimes there are things about God that i don't get, but in the end that is what makes the character of God so interesting and beautiful...
"We can't understand certain things about God because they don't measure up to what we know from our experiences here on Earth. And i think that's cool, because that means that we will never stop learning. We will continue to discover new things and learn new things about the extent of God's love and the depth of his character. Our relationship with God will never become boring..."
About a week after i wrote that post i read this in my daily devotional:
"'Many are called but few are chosen,' that is, few prove themselves the chosen ones. The chosen ones are those who have come in to a relationship with God through Jesus Christ whereby their disposition has been altered and their ears unstopped, and they hear the still small voice questioning all the time, 'Who will go for us?'"
Everyone is called unto God, but not everyone is chosen. In order to be chosen we haveto listen, we are all called to be chosen, but we aren't all actually chosen because we close our ears to that call. God doesn't pick and choose. If God had his way everyone would be his child, everyone would love and praise him. But we don't. We are called bu WE choose not to answer that call. WE choose not to take our faith seriously. WE choose not to listen to the person that knows our every step. It is not God being selective, it is us being unselective and letting anything and everything into our lives. It is us listening to the call of the world more than we listen to the call of God.
When God reveals himself to me, it is amazing. I used to doubt God alot. I used to doubt his love, his forgivness. Sometimes i would doubt his very existence. but not anymore. God has given me more answeres and shown me more miracles (yes they still happen) in the past year than he had in the 17 before that. Why? because i finally started to take him seriously. God calls us, he seeks us out. If you're someone who thinks Song of Songs is about God's love for the church than you might say that God chases after us like a lover chases his beloved. But God doesn't push. We have to CHOOSE. That's how you become a chosen one. You choose to follow God, and not only follow him, but to give you whole life to him. Everypart of it, everyday, a process that is never finished and that will continue into eternity. Surrender is continual, giving up this wolrd and choosing to follow God is a decision you don't only make once; it's a decision you make everday for the rest of your life.

i just have one things to say today (not the usual me, i know) and it is this: I Hate Gossip. especially when it involves people in the church who should be loving and non-judgemental and should know better. i think it's a HUGE issue, especially amoung teens.
"A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret." ~Proverbs 11:13
"...a gossip seperates close friends." ~Proverbs 16:28
so please, next time your tempted to open your mouth and spill the latest, think: how would the person i'm talking about feel if they knew what i was saying? mmm, maybe you don't like the person and therefore don't care (the Bible also says we're supposed to LOVE our enemies)? well how about this: what if someone were to say that about you? mhhmm...that's what i thought. it just comes down to "love your neighbour as yourself" which is the second GREATEST commandment. don't be so judgemental. but if you are judgemental, then keep your judgements to yourself and don't listen to other people when they try to gossip to you.

the colour of grace

This Christmas break i have been trying (key word: trying) to paint my room. And the process is going slowly, because at the same time i am working, trying to get all my ISUs done, and hanging out with my family and friends. sometimes painting my room seems pointless to me because I (a) don't have the time and (b) am going off to university in 8 months. But today i was looking back on something i wrote in my journal about colour and it made me see that something as pointless and seemingly meaningless as painting a room, can actually make you think about things in a different way.
God is an artist. and an amazing one at that. But the difference between the way God does art, and the way i do art? When i paint and i want to change the colour of something (my room for example) i first have to fill in the holes, sand out all the rough spots, and then prime and put two coats of paint on. When i paint a wall, i don't take the previous paint off, i just cover up what used to be there. Then there's God. When he paints he does pretty much the same thing: he fills in the holes, sands out the rough spots, and prepares to apply the colour. But instead of just putting colour on top of the existing clour. He takes off the old colour completely.
"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." ~ Ephesians 4: 22-24
That verse doesn't say, "cover up the old self with the new self and hide the way that God never intended you to be." Instead it says to put off the old self. We don't just cover up our faluts and sins, instead we totally get rid of them. God doesn't just cover up the colours underneath, he removes them so that we can literally become a new person. We aren't just a wall that's covered with a new layer of paint, we are made into a new work of art entirely.
Sometimes i think that maybe he doesn't even paint. Maybe God is more like an art restorer. Maybe God fills in all the holes and evens out the rough spots, and then while taking off the old colour, reveals the true self that was there all along. We were created to worship and love God. We are created in his image. So maybe, underneath the colour of sin, our true colours are trying to shine through and Jesus Christ is the one who acts as the tarnish remover and takes all the dirty and ugly colour away to reveal our true, pure beauty.
Well, however you choose to look at it, God is still an artist. And he paints each of us a unique colour. Life gets to us, the devil gets us, sin own's us. But then God comes in and makes the life of slavery to sin die, and creates in us the life that we were intended to live.

"paints mix. new colours emerge. take you. add God. be God's colour. be fully you."