the weight of a word

The other day I was talking to a friend about my blog and I told her that I was going to turn down the God-talk and write posts about things that were applicable to a larger audience. I had decided to do this after expressing my frustration at the fact that it is hard for Christian writers to get a large reader base because what they write about is interesting (or relevant) to fewer people, whereas secular writing is interesting and relevant to almost everyone (as long as it is good).

But, I'm going to be honest with you; I don't think that's going to happen. Sorry, I know you were excited for me to finally stop talking about God.

I write about God and faith so often because it is what I am always thinking about. It's what I'm passionate about; what drives my life. So to try and be something else and talk about trivial things that don't matter to me - well that would be a huge disservice to myself as a writer (not that I'm a real writer or anything, haha). People listen when you talk about things that you are passionate about, and to be honest I write best when I talk about things that make me feel something more than just slightly warm fuzzy or bit of irritation.

So, my friends, be prepared to read about religion, and God, and faith, and all of the things in between. Because that is who I am, and that is what I will write about. I don't care if it's not popular or if it offends people; it is me and I will not let my desire to be heard trump my desire to speak the truth.

photo via (we heart it)

Whenever people ask me what my favorite season is, I always tell them that it's the Fall. All of the colors that paint the landscape so beautifully, and the crisp cool air that requires me to wear my two favorite items of clothing: zip-up hoodies and scarves; the celebration of thanksgiving and the sweet smells of pumpkin and warm spices that begin to fill up my kitchen. Fall just brings so many wonderful things.

The truth is, though, that I love every season. There is something about each of them that makes me really happy and gives me a sort of peace. Spring brings new growth and warmer air, summer brings soccer and days and the beach and radiant sunshine, winter brings snowmen and peppermint hot chocolate and Christmas; they all bring me joy somehow. But I think what I like most are the holidays. Spring is amazing because my favorite holiday, Easter, is during it. The whole season brings new life and it reminds me of rebirth and the hope that I have of growth in my own life. Summer brings vacation and the cottage; a time to relax and sift through the past year, figuring things out. I also do most of my writing and reading in this season, so it brings with it time to return to the things that I love. Fall brings Thanksgiving, another one of my favorite holidays because it is usually the first time that I will have seen my family since heading off to school for the year. And I can't lie, pumpkin flavored anything makes my mouth water. And then there is winter, with Christmas and all the joy that it brings. I'm not such a big fan of the whole gift-buying thing, but I am a fan of wood-stove fires and the beautiful lights and spending an entire day with my family while tantalizing smells sift through my nose.

I can't even explain it really, but the holidays always make me feel good. Maybe it's that feel-good apple cinnamon smell, or maybe it's the fact that over the years I have made so many good memories, or maybe it's the feeling that around the holidays people seem to be more warm and inviting and less likely to bicker about useless things.I don't really know, but I love it. I am such a sucker for the holidays, and I always will be.

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What does it take to know a person; I mean really know them? At this point, I’m not sure. How can we really know someone else; what makes their mind tik like a clock or their heart flutter like a butterfly on steroids. How can we ever know someone else? I’m not entirely sure that it’s possible. I mean, I have been me for about 22 years now and I am only just beginning to figure out who I am. How could I possibly expect to know someone else to know me if I hardly even know who I am? But then again, I guess not everyone is like me. Some people know who they are; what they value, what they want to act like, what they want to do with their life. Maybe it’s easier for those people; maybe they are known by a lot of people.

But me, well I’m a bit of a nomad when it comes to identity. I drift here and there; whither and thither and flutter about. Some days I am the sweet girl, others I’m the bitch*. Some days I am an advocate of love, other days the only attitude I have towards love is one of scorn. For someone else to figure me and all of my nuances out would be a great feat.

I think that of all the people I know, of all my friends and family and acquaintances; I think of all of these people about one of them actually knows me really well. Only one of them knows who I am, but I can’t even tell you why. It’s not because this friend knows what my dreams and ambitions are, or because she knows that sometimes I laugh a lot because it’s a better alternative to crying. She just knows me. She can tell when something is wrong, or when I’ve fallen off of the narrow path. She knows what, deep down, I really want out of life, despite my endless frustrated rants on the subject. Sometimes, I think that she knows me better than I know myself. She is very wise, and I thank God almost every day for her friendship.

But how lonely is that? That out of all the people I know only one of them really knows who I am? Sometimes it’s really lonely, but it’s the price that a guarded heart pays. We protect ourselves from others and in return, few people are able to break down the walls that we have built.

I that maybe that is why I like to write so much. Because when I write I feel like part of me is on paper; a raw and public display of the inner workings of my soul. Anne Lamott once said that people write because it makes them feel like they have a place in the world. They are published, in some way shape or form, and therefore they exist to the world. Writing gives us meaning, and a sense that someone out there will read our words, however eloquently written, and know a part of us.

She pretty much hit the bull’s eye there; at least for me. Paper is a friend who knows me well, and he has never judged me. He just takes it all in, and never asks those annoying psychological questions in a reckless attempt to get to the bottom of what I am ‘feeling.’ I can change who I am from one day to the next, but the underlying characteristics of my writing never change. Maybe someday I’ll figure out who exactly it is that I am, but for now I’m almost content with this open fluid concept of me. Alanis Morissette wrote it well:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know but I can't change
I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried; Must've been relief to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you; I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes; Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changin'
I think it's cool; you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When your hurt; when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb; I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way


photo via (we heart it)

*please excuse my use of this particular term in this post. I really couldn't find a better one

the truth about love

So I changed my background template once again. I like this one. I think I'm going to keep it.

One of the main reasons I changed to this new template from the last one, is because the last one was title "Romance." Oh, Dear mother of Murphy am I sick of hearing about love lately. My belief in romantic love continues to fade as I see more and more of my friends succumb to the ridiculousness that it causes.I understand that many people will find this post offensive, so I want to make it clear now: I don't hate love; I am totally open to falling in love someday. However, someone please smack me across the face it I ever become one of those fools that turns a blind eye to everything else because of love. I will never give up my family or my faith for it. I will never let myself be treated like a sac of crap and choose not to believe the truth because of it. Oh, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "well obviously, that's smart." Well, my friend, if that is smart then there are a lot of stupid people out there. Because everyday women stay with men that beat them, and men stay with women that cheat on them, and women stay with women that won't commit, and men stay with men that are crazy and possessive.


I will not lose sight of the truth because I have been blinded by an emotion. The quote "we hurt the people we love the most" is a famous quote for a reason. Because it's true. Don't assume that just because someone loves you, they won't hurt you. Don't assume that they're definitely going to hurt you either, don't be a cynic. But don't be naive. Lord help me if I ever fall victim to a love that is blind, for the only way to see the truth is to open your eyes.

photo via (we heart it)