there are moments in life that change the world. moments you never thought would matter and yet have come to be the only ones that do. It is the small things, the insignificant things, the weak and the poor. It is all of the things that we hold so lowly in regard that can push us so far over the edge. When you begin to think that something doesn't matter to you, you will find out how much it truly does. There is a power in this universe that is higher than your own.

We make our plans. We decide our fate. And then God comes in and rearranges our pre-conceived notions of what life is supposed to look like. Things don't always work out the way you want them to. It's a hard lesson to learn. One year ago I thought that I wanted to go to Western and study literature/journalism. Now I am heading almost on the completely opposite direction to Waterloo to study Psychology. Three months ago I had thought that I would never go on a missions trip, now I will hopefully be going to New Orleans in August and to Africa when I graduate University. That just shows how much life can change.

The worst part of all this, is we sit there planning out our lives and GOd is sitting up in Heaven laughing at us.. not harsh laughter but the kind of chuckle that you get when a five-year old tells you he wants to be Spiderman. It's that smile that creeps on your face because though you are proud that the child has ambitious dreams, you know they'll never become Spiderman. God knows our lives (which sometimes I think is scary, but most of the time am able to find rest in, because I know that things will work out okay). God's will for my life and yours will be worked out. He was able to use the free choices of others to make Jesus life and death possible.

"there are some people in life that you will never forget. they could be the friend that you've known your whole life. or the stranger that smiled at you on the street the day a raincloud was following you.people have immesurable worth. they cannot be bought or sold or used only when needed. and yet they can amuse. they can entertain. love. give. be found. and be lost.people are the one thing in life that cannot be replaced. we cannot go out and pick out another mom off the shelf. or go down to the mall and randomly choose our new best friend.it's funny though. you can't buy a friend. but you can earn one. because the only way to have a friend, is to first be one."

today i was looking at this random picture i took a while ago of a tree in the forest behind my house. The tree has some grafiti on it and behind it, shining through the forest, was the setting sun. I didn't really think much of it when i was looking at it, it's actually a pretty crap photo becasue the lighting really sucked. But now i think that despite the apparent bleakness, that picture has potential.

"Like a photograph, character is developed in the dark."

I think it is stunning how God uses things that look kind of lack-lustre and grungy to create something glorious. It actual stuns me. Because though the forground of the picture was a little dreary and undefined, the sun behind it was clear and bright and colourful. Instead of focusing on what was truly brilliant about that picture, I chose to photograph the tree. I think our lives are like that sometimes. Sometimes we get so caught up in the here-and-now of life that we neglect God. We don't shove him out of the picture entirely, but he definately isn't our focus. And you know what? He doesn't push his way around. He just sits back behind the trees, still shining through and sometimes we don't even notice. When we look at the picture of our life and focous on ourselves, we run to God and ask him why our lives look so dull and empty and boring. But what we don't realize is that the potential for a life truly lived is hidden behind those trees. If we take the focus off ourselves and focus on he who is truly glorious and should be in the froefront of our lives, the picture will turn out much better than we could have ever imagined possible.

It's like a test. God says, "okay, here is the situation you are in" and you say, "uhh yea God! this stinks! change it please." But nothing happens, or maybe something does. For me the situation just got worse and I just felt more dull and unlively and just plain BLAH. It was gross, literally, like greeny-grey GROSS. But this morning i woke up and it was like God was right there and he was saying "maybe if you focused less on your needs and your feelings, and started focusing more on me and what I did for you things would change." And I think I almost smacked myself upside the head. What is the point of doing Lent if you aren't even going to spend time thinking about the cost of what Jesus did? What is the point of God teaching you something if you aren't even going to pay attention? What is the point of forgivness if you aren't willing to forigve others? What is the point of going into the darkroom if you don't even intend to develop a photograph?

laugh.out.loud

have you ever had a time when you just laugh out loud, for no reason? and when you do, people turn and look at you sort of weird, like you're crazy.
and maybe you are, i mean you just laughed out loud when nothing remotely funny was going on, except maybe inside your head. But i think that when i do that (laugh out loud randomly, not think of something funny inside my head haha) God laughs too becasue he knows why im laughing.
so you're probably like, "uhh kait? why were you laughing?" and to be honest i don't know. i was just having a good day and a smile didn't seem to do the day justice, so i laughed instead. how many times in my life have i been able to do that? to laugh because a smile just wasn't good enough? not nearly as many times as i would have liked, but then again God hasn't been a huge part of my life for as long as i would have liked either. The more that i grow in my relationship with God the more i find that he delights in me. He loves to see me smile, to hear my laugh. he loves it when i talk with him (meanwhile some people just wish i would shut up), he loves it when i spend time with him, and grow with him, and learn from him. Yea sometimes we have to go through suffering in order to learn things and as Christians we are walking the hard, bumpy, curby 'i don't know what's coming next' path. But i think sometimes, when you choose to conciously put the bad stuff aside and focus on Jesus, you get that laugh-out-loud experience.
I love that. becasue even when some things in life suck, and when you have worked yourself into a mini hole-in-the-ground like i have lately, God knows how to make you smile. He created you and knows the things inside your heart. He knows what makes you more happy than anything in the world. He knows how to make you laugh.out.loud.

but i'm just a little teapot

I repeated math this year at school. (why am i talking about school when i am no longer in one? well read on and you'll find out). The reasons i repeated it are: 1) to bring up my mark (obiviously), 2) so that my overall average would go up which would make me eligible for better scholarships and 3) becasue it's actually useful and i wanted to make sure i had it down. But this is what gets me: i found it okay to retake math so that i could solidify my knowledge on the subject, but i don't find it okay when God trys to teach me something i already know.

What the heck is up with that? Stupid, that's what it is. The truth is, God could teach me the same thing a thousand times and that doesn't mean that i would understand. Like right now, God is teaching me to trust him and i'm all like, "God i already know how to do that... remember November? that was 'trust God when everything else falls aparts' month. I know how to trust you, i don't need to learn it again." But i do. because though in November i learnt to trust God with what is probably the most important thing in my life other than my relationship with him, i didn't learn how to trust him with the smaller things. things that still matter very much, but aren't nearly as close to my heart as that one big thing, things like friendships, a job, the future, and issues my friends are dealing with.

Why do i not like it when God try's to reteach me something? Because i know that in order to learn something well enough, you have to figure it out for yourself. You have to wander around aimlessly and find the answer or the truth will never stick. and i hate that because usually that involves pain. Trusting God means that you put what you want aside. You put your worries, you anxieties, everything you care about at his feet and say, "okay. you drive the car, i'll sit in the back. you write this story, i'll just be the main character." Trusting God means letting go of what you want and surrendering to the fact that God's story may not contain the ending that you hoped for.

i used to think that when it came to trusting God, i was pretty strong. but now i know that it's only when he works through me that i am. because honestly, i'm selfish and i want what i want and trusting God makes me vulnerable and unsure. trusting God makes me seem weak. But God uses that. I've used ths quote before but i'm using it again because i love it, it's a Christians life story (or should be).

"Like common pottery we are fragile and flawed and break easily. But God will use us if we allow him to work through our weaknesses." ~ Rick Warren

Lent

In the Bible 40 days is a significant period of time Moses and Elijah spent in 40 days in the wildreness, the flood occured over a span of 40 days and nights, Jonah gave the Ninevites 40 days to repent, Jesus was in the wilderness for 40 days while being tempted, and the Isrealites spent 40 years years wandering around trying to find the Promised Land. Lent is a period of fasting from both food and activities. It is a time of repentance and refletion. In today's society people usually give up something that they enjoy and devote the time they would have spent doing that to doing something for God, or donate the money they would have spent to a charity or the Church.

"Lent is a way to place ourselves before God humbled, bringing in our hands no price whereby we can ourselves purchase our salvation. It is a way to confess our total inadequacy before God, to strip ourselves bare of all pretense to righteousness, to come before God in dust and ashes. It is a way to empty ourselves of our false pride, of our rationalizations that prevent us from seeing ourselves as needy creatures, of our "perfectionist" tendencies that blind us to the beam in our own eyes."

I love that. Lent is time of humility, repentance and of waiting. It's a time to dig deeper into the heart of God and express your utmost thankfuness for what he has done for you. You can not do anything to save yourself, only Jesus can save you. Jesus gave up his whole life for you. That's why I am doing Lent this year. Jesus gave up his whole life for me, but not only that. He spent most of his time here on Earth being ridiculed and rejected by the very people he came to save. By me. He lived his life as a light amoung the shadows. If Jesus did that for me, if he died so that I might have life, then shouldn't I use that life to show him how greatful I am? That's something we should be doing everyday, not just around Easter time.

The biggest fustration in high school isn't not knowing who you are. It's knowing who you are and not being able to show other people that person. So you just have to wait until someone else discovers you. That's the worst part; the waiting.

Discovering you, discovering me... John Mayer

forget tomorrow

I think the thing i dislike the most about myself is the fact that im forgetful. It's not that im impatient, or loud, or that I feel that I need to help everyone all the time. Because those are things you can change. I can work on being patient, and being more gentle, and I can learn to deal with the fact that I can't help or save everyone (not even God can do that, becasue He can only save those who want to be saved). But forgetfulness, well that's pretty much something I'm stuck with. I mean yea, I can write myself reminder notes or ask people to remind me about things, but when I write those notes, I forget to take them with me (shopping list anyone?) or when I ask people to remind me to do something, they forget too. I think the only way to combat it is to do things right now. You can't put things off all the time. "Oh, I'll call them tomoorrow. I'll do that later. I'll tell them some other time." What's the point of the "here-and-now" if we just leave everything until later? Why wait until tomorrow to tell someone you love them when you can tell them today. Why wait to donate money to charity when you have more money, when you have enough right now? Why call someone tomorrow when you can call them today? Why postpone spending time with someone because you are "too tired" or have "too much homework" or just plain don't feel like it, when maybe tomorrow they are busy or maybe tomorrow you'll forget?
"Whatever you have done to the least of these brother's of mine, you have done to me." ~Jesus

Sorry Jesus, but I'm too busy to talk to you today. I don't have a good job yet, so I'm too poor to give you any money. I'm too tired to help you. Too busy to be with you. Too selfish to think of you.
That's the reality. We say that tomorrow we will feed the hungry, tomorrow we will talk to that senior, tomorrow we will comfort that person, tomorrow we will invest tiem with our family and friends. But Jesus isn't about tomorrow. Jesus is about today. "When you live in this moment, it is not hard. I am here. My name is I AM" (Helen Mallicoat). Jesus is not "I Was" or "I will be" Jesus is "I AM." Jesus is here, Jesus is now. If you say "tomorrow I'll do it" then what are you going to do today? Don't forget...

yeaa i know.... change. but i was thinking about it and changing the format and template of my blog just makes it easier for other people to read... i may not like it as much but the colours are still cool (i think) and it's what's inside the blogs that counts right? not what it looks like... haha what a cliche, but it's true. you can do everything to change the outward appearance, but it doesn't make a difference if what's inside "ain't got heart". so yea... i changed it. hope you like it. it's growing on me. i'm loving the green...
i'll try to write a more interesting post later but right now my life is pretty boring... i don't go to school. i mostly sit at home all day and read my Bible, or work the odd day shift at Reitmans (thank goodness, if i sat around all day i think i would go crazy). nothing "big" has hit me in the past couple days but God's still teaching me about humility and patience, and looking at the heart by not judging people but seeing them through Heaven's eyes... which reminds me. i'm writing a book... and that's what it's called "Through Heaven's Eyes"... we'll see how that goes. maybe i'll share a bit of it on here, but its pretty rough right now... but we'll see. we shall see.

snowflake

this weekend at Snowflake was... interesting. I was really looking forward to the weekend and i wasn't let down. it was a lot of fun to be able to get away from day-to-day life for a weekend and spend time worshiping and learning about God with my Christian friends. for me this year was totally different than last year. last year i was at a tough point in my walk with God. i was pretty much choosing whether or not to give him presidence in my life or to put him on the backburner and live life my own way. but this year wasn't like that at all... or so i thought. this year God had control of my life, i was trusting him and working really hard at becoming the woman that he wants me to be. but last night i was doing my Bible study and that's when it hit me. In 1st Sameul Hannah asks God to give her son and says that if he answers her plea she will devote her son to God. But Hannah didn't just ask God, she trusted that God would not only hear her, but that he would answer her.
How can you have a trust that big after God has denied your desire so many times before? I thought that was crazy. I want that. becasue so many time you think you're trusting God, but in reality you're not. it doesn't even have to be about anything big, sometimes we just don't trust that God knows what he's doing.
This weekend God taught me a lot about humility. I think humility is one of the hardest things to learn becasue it takes a lot of effort and little recognition. Last year at Snowflake Kevin said that if you ask for humility, be ready to have the test of your life becasue it's hard and sometimes it hurts. and at the time i was like" yea right... it can't be THAT hard"... boy was i wrong.
humility is one of those things where everyday you have to lay down your pride and your wishes and just let God shine. it's like you become invisible. you have to trust God and not get upset when other people don't pay attention to you or recognize your acts fo service. and trust me, i am far from humble. being humble is something that will take an entire lifetime. that's what hit me so hard this weekend. I've been praying "God make me humble" and not really having to do much. but humility isn't about the big things, it's about the small stuff. that's what i learned. so i have to work on the little things... but this morning i realized that lately i have screwed up major in the humility department.
now why am i telling the entire internet public this? well first, becasue i know who reads my blogs and i know that if i share my struggles they will pray for me. and also, hopefully they can learn form me too.
so yea.. i had screwed up major, but i didn't even realize it because it wasn't the type of screw up that you really notice. it's not like i had done something and not gotten recognition so i was upset or thought that i was better than someone else. it was that i failed to search my own heart before i jumped to conclusions. i failed to realize that you can't expect something if you aren't willing to give something too. you can't expect God to do something if you don't trust him. so i learned that before you expect something form someone, whether it's God or anyone else, make sure that you're willing to give a little too. it comes down to what Jesus said "love your neightbour as yourself." and i'm not talking about what we learned about loving your enemies though that is majorly important too. i'm talking about treating others like you want to be treated. about not judging or jumping to conclusions, but looking at yourself and humbling yourself before God. it's not about "God why aren't you doing this for me?" Hannah didn't ask that. She asked God to give her a son but only after promising him something in return and trusting in her heart that he would do it. it's about "God i'm going to ask you to do this and im going to trust that you know what's best for me. i'm going to give you my entire life."
as the new radicals would say "You only get what you give." so be humble. look at your own actions before you tell someome, especially God, that they aren't doing a good enough job. a relationship, especially a relationship with God, takes time. you have to move slow to build a founation that's going to last. it doesn't all come at once. that's what i learned this weekend. humility and patience... thanks God :)