The Advent of love

Recently I found myself listening to old Christmas carols, many of which speak of the coming of our Lord, and as I did so all the cliché sayings came to mind and I found myself asking, “What is the reason for the season, Lord?  Why is Christmas so important?”

As a child I had often wondered why Christmas was so widely celebrated and why the festivities surrounding it seemed so much more important than one of our other significant faith days: Easter. I often found myself wrestling with the idea that Christmas is important because it leads us towards Easter. Easter has always been my favourite holiday, and yet I wondered if really the heart of Christmas could only found in its ties to the death of our Saviour and redemption of all humankind. Or is there something more here, something unique to its meaning and significance that makes it the most widely celebrated holiday in both Christian and secular spheres?

Sometimes we have missed the mark. The anti-consumerists have often told us this. It’s about being with family and friends. It’s about spreading joy. It’s about peace.  And oh, it is so much about all those things, but I fear even the anti-consumerists have become too cynical and still missed the point. All of those things seem secondary when we consider the real reason for Christmas; the reason that we prepare for a single day with 4 weeks of anticipation.

Advent is this season of anticipation; our time of waiting. In Latin, the word is Adventus means “arrival” or “coming,” and it is in this word that we find the true meaning of Christmas.

Christmas is more than just the insinuator of Easter; it is more than just the first step towards the cross. Christmas in itself is about an arrival; an arrival of the greatest love our world has ever known. Christmas is about God humbling Himself to become as one of us; weak, feeble, vulnerable, physical... human. The God who is love came to earth. Christmas is about God incarnate. It is about love incarnate. Christmas is the beautiful story of a God who persistently pursues the ones He loves.

Sitting in the reading room at my college a few weeks ago I spoke this revelation aloud to a friend and though it sounded oh so cliché, talking about “what Christmas is all about,” I remember my heart feeling different. Because we all know that God loves us and draws us into a relationship with Him, but do we ever associate this with Christmas? Love as the true meaning of Christmas? Isn’t that better suited to St. Valentine’s Day? Joy, peace, harking heralds and decking halls – isn’t that more what Christmas is all about? But no, God shows us that it is absolutely all about love. By sending His Son He shows us that He will stop at nothing and spare no embarrassment to demonstrate His love for us. This is what makes Christmas such a joyous, peaceful and magical time. Tales of love always encompass these things.

That Jesus was called “Immanuel, God with us,” is no small thing. That God would make His home on earth as a tiny baby child is no negligible event. That love became incarnate is a big deal, the biggest deal. It is huge. It is enormous.  It is possibly the most important thing. Isn’t that why we celebrate Christmas with such cheery grandeur? Yes, it leads us to Easter; of course it is a season of joy, of peace and of generosity, but most of all it is a season of love. We spend time with our families and give gifts and eat coma-inducing meals. But those who have no families, or who have experienced deep hurts at the hands of loved ones; those who are poor and oppressed and starving, even they can experience the true meaning of Christmas. If Christmas is a season about the arrival of love then it can still be celebrated amidst sorrow, amidst pain, amidst poverty and loss because love transcends all of these. Love is what brings true joy and true peace and what moves us towards generosity. That is why we give gifts. Yes, perhaps the cynics are right and we have lost a bit of the essence of that. But it is my belief that it is not the gifts themselves that are the problem, rather it is the how and the why where we get a little lost.

And so maybe this Christmas, instead of getting caught up in the usual holiday trimmings or getting hung up on taking a stand against our cultures consumerism, let’s take a stand for love. May we aspire to become love incarnate to those around us. May we forgive old offenses and pursue our enemies with humble grace. May we offer hope for healing and unconditional thanksgiving. May we not be cynical or bitter because generosity, the pursuit of love, joy, peace, thanksgiving and providence: these are the reasons for the season. May we remember the story of Jesus birth and what it means, and may we remember that God pursued us while we were yet still His enemies and then be determined to do the same.

This Christmas, may we pursue the love of all humankind. ‘Tis the Season

I think that I am beginning to surrender to the idea (and reality) that I do not need to be besties with everyone. My purpose in life is not to be well-liked or much-loved, but instead it is to love God and by extension love others, and to perhaps end up at a point where I am able to love others better than I love myself. 

life in the slow lane

I heard a song recently that reminded me of times past. 

The songs we sing bring back memories when we hear them again. They bring back every feeling we once felt; nostalgia sets in, but it’s this happy blissful type so we don’t mind. I love songs like that – song that tell the story of the moments of my life.

I once heard a song that said that fastest way isn’t always the easiest. Funny, that didn’t make much sense to me until now. I think we evaluate how hard or easy something is based on how we feel at any given moment, but our evaluation can completely change when we’re out of it. When we’re in the clear we get to see the whole picture and are reminded of how we have been blessed, that’s when we see things with clear vision.

Sometimes we make choices and they hurt, but that doesn’t mean they’re the wrong choice, just that they’re difficult.

Patience hurts sometimes. It can be utterly grueling. Sometimes it almost feels like you’ll stop breathing if you have to wait another second. But then you wait, and eventually the waiting gets easier and you aren’t so restless.

The fastest way isn’t always the easiest. It may seem that way, but then we reach the end and we see that if we had done things differently, if we had gone the fast way, everything would have culminated in disaster. So, we decide to take the longer way, because then we aren’t setting ourselves up for failure. We’re patient and kind, we forgive and we have compassion. We work things out. We give each other the chance to change; we see what will become of us instead of forcing one another to become things that we are not. We don’t jump in head first. We trust.

The longer way is difficult because we are not sure if, in the end, it is worth it. But I think it is. When we are patient and calm we can take things as they come. We wait for the best. We don’t settle.

Taking the fast way we are not prepared when, unexpectedly, things change and we all end up with broken hearts and jaded souls. That is no way to live.

We’re not being too careful. We’re not full of fear. We’re just being cautious, and as such we are being wise. We are not the type of people to throw ourselves out there and just let any old person or any fleeting feeling take hold of us and drive us into the dark. No, we’re better than that. So we don’t take the very first thing that comes along, and we don’t despair if, in the end, we’re still alone. Because we’re doing it right, and that’s what matters. We’re saving our hearts so that we might save our lives.

“Guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.” –Proverbs 4:23

photo via (we heart it)

I used to be pretty cynical. 
Sometimes I still am.

I was the girl who always focused on the negatives; who focused on what had gone wrong rather than what had gone right. And when you live like that, focusing on all the problems, nothing gets better because you begin to define yourself and your life by your problems. And then you begin to become a negative person. And you might not realize it right away, but eventually  you become more resistant to change because solving your problems would mean that you would lose part of who you are.

A few months ago I decided I didn't want to be like that any more.
I didn't want to focus on all of the bad things, it wasn't helping. So I gave up all of that bad stuff. Sure, I was lost for a while. I had to force myself to think differently even when I didn't want to. But I think God honoured that, because it got easier as the days went by.  And as I started to focus on all the good things in my life, life became more joyful. Life was still full of sorrow and pain at times, life always is, but redirecting my thoughts towards my blessings rather than my curses helped me to feel like a blessed person. Though I wasn't always happy I was able to find joy and peace and comfort.

Then this past month I fell back into old patterns and I was angry at myself for this. But I wouldn't take the step to change. Instead I just picked up a shovel and continued to dig myself into a hole of loneliness and discouragement. 

Eventually I got worn out; I was sick of that lonely gutter-living feeling. And it was then that some words from James Chapter 1 came to mind.  James says that God is faithful and gives up wisdom and joy when we ask for it. So, I humbly did just that. Instead of doing what I had been doing for the past month and demanding that God change my circumstance, I just asked that God would change me instead. And I woke up this morning feeling still feeling tired and exhausted. Am I falling into depression? I thought. I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was, or where any of this was coming from. It was like a fog had moved in silently overnight and when I woke up I was stuck in it. The only thing I could do was wait it out. 

So I got up and sought out a cup of coffee, the ever-true morning pick-me-up. Then I went outside and did some yard work - the sun was shining, and as I wearily shoved small branches and leaves into a paper yard waste bag one of my favourite worship songs came on my iPod. And then there was this moment of stillness where I could feel the sun shinning down on me in all its brilliance, and I was just filled with this sense of joy. Then some wise words of a friend were brought to mind. "What if we woke up tomorrow with only the things we were grateful for today?" 


In that moment it hit me. I had spent this past month being ungrateful. I had taken my eyes of God and put them on myself. I had taken my identity out of God's Word and put it into the care of others. I had been so foolish! I had demanded all these things of God and been selfish. So I repented and then I went through my life systematically and silently thanked God for all of the blessings I have: for my family and the wonderful time we could spend together that week; for my friends - they are the best ones I've had thus far in life; for my church and their endless love and support; for my Bolivia plans that are coming together; for real conversations over tea and camp-fires; for the sunshine and trees and birds; for maple coffee and apricot jam; but mostly for love - my life is so full of it. God has blessed me very richly. I am so thankful for my life and all the wonderful people and things in it and for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I would be so lost without Him. 


Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about all of the ways in which I have been blessed this past year. If you had asked me even one year ago if I thought I would be where I am right now, I would have told you straight up, no. And so it's good for me to remember how things used to be, because it makes me grateful for who and where I am now. I don't want to dwell on the bad things any more, I want to think about things that are good and pure and beautiful. Sometimes you can't escape the bad things in life; they are right there in your face and you have to deal with them. But once you do, you have to learn to let them go. 

So let them go. Be free. Don't be enslaved to negativity, or cynicism, or the past. Just think of all the good things you have and thank God for them. If you're struggling to find them then ask God to give you the wisdom to see them. 

Then when you find them, hold them in your hand and in your heart and thank God for them. And just let all of the other stuff go.

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -- Philippians 4:8

disbelief

How can anyone look at creation and deny an artist? 

How can we stand in the midst of nature and say,

"there is no God?"

The heavens declare the glory of God; 

   the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 

Day after day they pour forth speech; 

   night after night they reveal knowledge. 

They have no speech, they use no words; 

   no sound is heard from them. 

Yet their voice goes out into all the earth, 

   their words to the ends of the world.

-- Psalm 19:1-4

Photo via (Flickr)

plans

When we plan the future are we trying to play God or are we trying to play it smart? Where is the line between a lack of trust in God’s plan for us and just being plain irresponsible? I have fears about the future, fears that cause my un-planning mind want to make like a crazy person and plan her whole life to a tee. Is it wrong that I don’t have answers when people ask me what I'm going to do? Is it wrong to be worried that I don’t have answers? My future is an open book, waiting to be written. I have some ideas in my mind; a general theme and a skinny storyline. But the details... they’re not there. But God knows. And I guess eventually I will too.

first world problems

The ridiculousness of this thechive.com post made me feel a little guilty... I have definitely done the charger one...  but alas, life goes on and we recognize that though "it's all relative," some things are just plain ridiculous! Let's admit our ridiculousness (at least the bad parts) and then commit to changing it.
http://thechive.com/2011/08/29/20-first-world-problems-20-photos/

i love the red*

Living in Bolivia for four months without a direct internet connection has made me forget how much I love the internet. But today, as I was sitting in a quite cafe downtown after finishing off a cappuccino with a good friend I pulled out my laptop and was reminded of my love for the internet.

Listen here. I hate sitting in internet cafes. They are cold, full of people, and I always feel as though someone is glancing at my screen ever 50 seconds, snooping in my internet business. Internet cafes destroy what I love about the internet.

For the past few years the internet has become my own personal library. I could sit at my desk for hours looking up poetry, photographs, and perusing through blogs. The things I found there were inspiring, interesting, and always made for a good laugh. It’s quite sad that so much of my inspiration is drawn from the things I find on the internet (even this post is inspired as such). I tend to miss the days when I could sit down at my desk after walking around the park with my headphones and have something interesting to write. Now it seems as though my writing is deeply connected with the internet - this my friends is a sad story in the making.

I thought that coming to Bolivia would inspire my writing, but it seems to have stifled it somewhat ( must be the long work days and the lack of internet access.) It’s dissapointing that my writing would be tied to something as trivial as the internet. But alas, we all have our weaknesses.

*red = web in Spanish... aka the internet

There's something about doing nothing that makes me feel good at the end of the day.

Tonight I came home from my Creative Writing class and I didn't really know what I was going to do, as I had decided to give up watching TV for Lent. Now granted, I don't only watch TV in my spare time. I also read books and play guitar, write songs and do homework and hang out with friends. But tonight I didn't have any homework, and I didn't feel like doing all of those other things that I normally do. So, I sat at my computer and perused the internet... for many hours.

ugghhh.... I don't think I've done that before - not without some sort of school research in mind. But it was... wonderful!

So I spent a few hours walking around MySpace, listening to some new bands, creating a new blog for my trip to Bolivia (soon to be revealed, but for now it'll be kept hidden), and stumbling upon other people's blogs. Doing not much at all ended up being really productive (at least in the eyes of this girl). I even spent my iTunes gift card that I got for Christmas on a brand new album - Wool and Howl, check it out:

One thing I did learn is that there are an awful lot of gardening blogs out there. Don't get me wrong, I like gardening, it's pretty invigorating to get down and dirty with the earth for a while (literally), but I think that if I see one more gardening blog tonight, I just might give up hope on blogging for blogs sake (maybe?) Yeah right, who am I kidding?

Anyways, welcome to another post labeled 'random ramblings.' hope it was as fun for you as it was for me... which I sincerely doubt!

...man, who even reads this thing anymore anyways?

it's all relative

I am so jealous of your life,

of the way it is captured on film;

the smiles and hugs and kisses.

The way the sun looks in the morning or the candlelight off your skin.

I am so jealous of your life and the way it makes you smile.

Even when I know that sometimes you’re hurting.

Even though you’ve had your share of heartbreaks,

you somehow keep trusting.

I am so jealous of your life and how I see myself in it.

How so easily I could have been you,

the happy, crazy, beautiful smiling one.

How somehow, along the way I let life get to me when I could have been happy.

I am so jealous of your life and all the love that is has given you.

How you have something to wake up to every morning and a kind word to be spoken.

How he looks at you when you smile

and how he holds you when you’re broken.

I am so jealous of your life, or at least of the way it seems.

But then again, I guess some people are jealous of mine;

though they don’t really see a thing.

So maybe I’m not so jealous of your life, but just the way it’s captured on film;

of the smiles and hugs and the kisses;

and yet the tears that aren’t revealed.

I look at this poem and I think about what makes one life different from another. What causes one to be happy and one to live under a dark heavy weight? Things in life just happen to us. Who knows why, really only God does. Often it is frustrating and heartbreaking. We can’t believe that God would ever let that happen to us. How could he do that to me? How could he let them leave me....

But somewhere down the road we have to realize that we aren’t responsible for what other people do, and really, we can’t hold God accountable for it either, as much as we can blame him for letting us make a stupid decision. In the end, we all know that it was our decisions that lead us to where we are. I think that happiness is circumstantial. It depends about what’s happened, what’s happening, and what’s going to happen. But as soon as something bad comes along to mess that up, we fall into this pit of despair. But joy, joy is a choice we can make, we just have to choose it, and choose it often.

I have spent a lot of my life wondering why God let certain things happen to me. I spent a lot of time being angry and depressed and living life in despair. I knew despair in his broad outline, and oftentimes I wish that despair and I hadn’t been so close. And so, as a result, I was really jealous of people that seemed happy; of people that seemed to be able to open up and make friends easily; of people that could connect with others on a real level. I have never been that person; I have always been guarded, hiding behind social formalities or sarcasm. Only in special cases have a gotten really personal with anyone; there are still things about me that not a soul on this earth knows.

This is kind of ironic right now, considering that I have a blog on which I tell the general public a lot of personal things. But it’s almost safer this way. I don’t really bear any repercussions here. My blog is not highly frequented, I don’t have avid readers, to be honest, and I write more for myself that for anyone else. But yeah, getting back from that tangent... I’m a pretty private person concerning the real nitty-gritty stuff. I think a big reason for this is because I am afraid of being judged, as if somehow my situation will be twisted and turned on me. I think I have seen myself as some sort of victim of life; a passive victim and never an active participant. But I guess I’ve faced that fear, because now I know that I’m not just a passive victim of my experiences.

It’s taken me a long time to realize that God doesn’t make the mistakes – I do, and other people do too. It’s a lesson I am still learning, I still go through situations where I’m like, “really, God, you couldn’t’ have stopped that?” But I guess it’s part of this whole humility thing I’m going through: learning to hold yourself accountable for your mistakes, but also realizing that you can’t hate yourself for the decisions you make. Really, hating yourself is even more unproductive and destructive than hating someone who has hurt you – it just gets everybody nowhere, doing nothing.

So what’s the alternative? Well, I’m guessing it would be joy. But how do we become joyful? Knowing God is a start. After that, I’m not really sure. But through building my relationship with God I have definitely become less sad and angry. My spouts of despair don’t last as long. I make myself get over things faster. It’s had a toll on some of my friendships. I’ve had to let go of people that I cared about because the relationship was too painful or one sided. But in the end it’s helped me learn a lot about myself. And honestly, when you surround yourself with the truth of a loving God, and with faithful friends, you feel a lot better about yourself too.

In reality, I do have people whose lives I look at and feel a bit jealous of them. But I know the power of my God, and I know that in relation to where I was three years ago, I have a bigger sense of joy and peace about life and about myself than I used to. So, for that I am really thankful. Besides, it’s all relative, right?

photo via (we heart it)

i heart books

So I just picked up about 10 books from the local library.
Three of them are cookbooks, but hey, 7 books of pure non-academic related literature is pretty good! I plan on reading them all in the next 2 weeks. That's right, 7 books finished by January 1st. Life is beautiful.

Don't believe I can do it? Just watch me!

Facebook and TV are overrated; literature warms my heart so much better, especially when coupled with a good cup of tea! I'm starting my New Years Resolutions early this year, goodbye highly non-beneficial activities, helllooooo books!!!! =)

this season always makes me feel a little sentimental.

I pretend that I'm stronger; I pretend I don't care,

but inside I'm really wondering,

where are you?

and when are you coming to find me?

photo via (we heart it)

Ode to Procrastination

Oh the woes of a procrastinating student.

I found this photograph to be quite comical, as I was browsing through Tumblr whilst procrastinating from writing the first of my three 20 page essays due this term.

The thing is, sometimes I really wish I was not a procrastinator when it came to school work; maybe I would get more done. But I feel as though getting what others call "down to business," would actually in fact hinder my creative talents. I am passionate about my program and the work that it requires me to do, and therefore, need my creative juices to be flowing in order to write my papers. the fact that they are research papers might also have something to do with that; maybe all the facts and figures and statistics just drain me and so every hour or so I need a little recharge from my friends at (we heart it). (This is not taking into consideration the fact that the Study Skills workshop tells me that every student should take a creak from studying every 50 minutes in order to stay focused and take in information well.) Whatever the reason, it is time for me to stop procrastinating, and to write my paper. But this is my Ode to Procrastination, because though we often think it as useless and wasteful, I have come to appreciate those moments (especially during exam time) when I can come up for air and breathe for a while. Here's to you procrastination, cheers.

photo via (we heart it)

Whenever people ask me what my favorite season is, I always tell them that it's the Fall. All of the colors that paint the landscape so beautifully, and the crisp cool air that requires me to wear my two favorite items of clothing: zip-up hoodies and scarves; the celebration of thanksgiving and the sweet smells of pumpkin and warm spices that begin to fill up my kitchen. Fall just brings so many wonderful things.

The truth is, though, that I love every season. There is something about each of them that makes me really happy and gives me a sort of peace. Spring brings new growth and warmer air, summer brings soccer and days and the beach and radiant sunshine, winter brings snowmen and peppermint hot chocolate and Christmas; they all bring me joy somehow. But I think what I like most are the holidays. Spring is amazing because my favorite holiday, Easter, is during it. The whole season brings new life and it reminds me of rebirth and the hope that I have of growth in my own life. Summer brings vacation and the cottage; a time to relax and sift through the past year, figuring things out. I also do most of my writing and reading in this season, so it brings with it time to return to the things that I love. Fall brings Thanksgiving, another one of my favorite holidays because it is usually the first time that I will have seen my family since heading off to school for the year. And I can't lie, pumpkin flavored anything makes my mouth water. And then there is winter, with Christmas and all the joy that it brings. I'm not such a big fan of the whole gift-buying thing, but I am a fan of wood-stove fires and the beautiful lights and spending an entire day with my family while tantalizing smells sift through my nose.

I can't even explain it really, but the holidays always make me feel good. Maybe it's that feel-good apple cinnamon smell, or maybe it's the fact that over the years I have made so many good memories, or maybe it's the feeling that around the holidays people seem to be more warm and inviting and less likely to bicker about useless things.I don't really know, but I love it. I am such a sucker for the holidays, and I always will be.

photo via (we heart it)

What does it take to know a person; I mean really know them? At this point, I’m not sure. How can we really know someone else; what makes their mind tik like a clock or their heart flutter like a butterfly on steroids. How can we ever know someone else? I’m not entirely sure that it’s possible. I mean, I have been me for about 22 years now and I am only just beginning to figure out who I am. How could I possibly expect to know someone else to know me if I hardly even know who I am? But then again, I guess not everyone is like me. Some people know who they are; what they value, what they want to act like, what they want to do with their life. Maybe it’s easier for those people; maybe they are known by a lot of people.

But me, well I’m a bit of a nomad when it comes to identity. I drift here and there; whither and thither and flutter about. Some days I am the sweet girl, others I’m the bitch*. Some days I am an advocate of love, other days the only attitude I have towards love is one of scorn. For someone else to figure me and all of my nuances out would be a great feat.

I think that of all the people I know, of all my friends and family and acquaintances; I think of all of these people about one of them actually knows me really well. Only one of them knows who I am, but I can’t even tell you why. It’s not because this friend knows what my dreams and ambitions are, or because she knows that sometimes I laugh a lot because it’s a better alternative to crying. She just knows me. She can tell when something is wrong, or when I’ve fallen off of the narrow path. She knows what, deep down, I really want out of life, despite my endless frustrated rants on the subject. Sometimes, I think that she knows me better than I know myself. She is very wise, and I thank God almost every day for her friendship.

But how lonely is that? That out of all the people I know only one of them really knows who I am? Sometimes it’s really lonely, but it’s the price that a guarded heart pays. We protect ourselves from others and in return, few people are able to break down the walls that we have built.

I that maybe that is why I like to write so much. Because when I write I feel like part of me is on paper; a raw and public display of the inner workings of my soul. Anne Lamott once said that people write because it makes them feel like they have a place in the world. They are published, in some way shape or form, and therefore they exist to the world. Writing gives us meaning, and a sense that someone out there will read our words, however eloquently written, and know a part of us.

She pretty much hit the bull’s eye there; at least for me. Paper is a friend who knows me well, and he has never judged me. He just takes it all in, and never asks those annoying psychological questions in a reckless attempt to get to the bottom of what I am ‘feeling.’ I can change who I am from one day to the next, but the underlying characteristics of my writing never change. Maybe someday I’ll figure out who exactly it is that I am, but for now I’m almost content with this open fluid concept of me. Alanis Morissette wrote it well:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know but I can't change
I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried; Must've been relief to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you; I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes; Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changin'
I think it's cool; you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When your hurt; when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb; I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way


photo via (we heart it)

*please excuse my use of this particular term in this post. I really couldn't find a better one

the truth about love

So I changed my background template once again. I like this one. I think I'm going to keep it.

One of the main reasons I changed to this new template from the last one, is because the last one was title "Romance." Oh, Dear mother of Murphy am I sick of hearing about love lately. My belief in romantic love continues to fade as I see more and more of my friends succumb to the ridiculousness that it causes.I understand that many people will find this post offensive, so I want to make it clear now: I don't hate love; I am totally open to falling in love someday. However, someone please smack me across the face it I ever become one of those fools that turns a blind eye to everything else because of love. I will never give up my family or my faith for it. I will never let myself be treated like a sac of crap and choose not to believe the truth because of it. Oh, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "well obviously, that's smart." Well, my friend, if that is smart then there are a lot of stupid people out there. Because everyday women stay with men that beat them, and men stay with women that cheat on them, and women stay with women that won't commit, and men stay with men that are crazy and possessive.


I will not lose sight of the truth because I have been blinded by an emotion. The quote "we hurt the people we love the most" is a famous quote for a reason. Because it's true. Don't assume that just because someone loves you, they won't hurt you. Don't assume that they're definitely going to hurt you either, don't be a cynic. But don't be naive. Lord help me if I ever fall victim to a love that is blind, for the only way to see the truth is to open your eyes.

photo via (we heart it)

banishing the roots of despair

Passion keeps us alive.

I was reminded of this as I watched The Dead Poets Society today.

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." --John Keating

During our dark points in life it may be hard for us to remember why we keep going. These are the moments when we lack passion. Many of these moments occur due to the perceived absence of love. But in reality, these things are really all around. I have not felt this despair in a long time now because I have come to know a love that never leaves me wanting. A love comprised of poetry and beauty and romance. A love driven by a passion that has its root deep in the soul. It is this love that I am alive for, and it is the only reason I stay that way.

hope

Hope has been wandering around in my brain as of late.

I witnessed it in a small alleyway in downtown Toronto, as a beautiful man named Ken told me his tale of how he came to live in the street. I saw hope in his eyes and peacefulness that I have found my own comfortable life to be lacking.

I also watched that hope as it left me. That very same day that I met Ken, I also witnessed thousands of people throw up their hands and worship the gods of sex, pleasure, and alcohol. Quickly, the hope that Ken had given me began to dissipate, as the reality of a powerful darkness overshadowed what small fire Ken had lit in my heart.

But that fire can be lit once again.

Through my journeys in life I have come to know hope as a candle. Though it is a small flame, it has enough brightness to light an entire room. In the midst of darkness, this light can be seen from a long way off, and its fire can spread from one candle to another, with no need for a match. Hope is infectious, and once a candle is lit, other candles follow, and soon whole communities are living in the light.

But this small flame is also easily extinguished; the gentlest wind may snuff it out. Sometimes there is a darkness so thick that it seems such a small light could not overcome it. But there is power in numbers, and every candle that blows out can be lit again.

We all hold this candle of hope within our hearts, and when the candle in our own heart goes out, we merely have to find someone whose fire is still burning, and let them set ours aflame once again.

The tricky part with hope is that you have to seek it out. So really, you can only burn if you want to. If you sit around with your candle out for too long, the darkness will begin to penetrate it, and lighting it again will become a laborious task. But if we seek it out, relighting our candle is easy.

Sometimes we can’t find that other candle. But there is a secret about hope that I will tell you. When you earnestly seek it out the friction with the darkness causes a spark. This spark will relight your candle. If you look for hope you will find it. But if you sit in the dark, despairing at the lack of light around you, you will never find the answers that you are looking for.

Lighting a candle without someone else’s flame is difficult, but it is not impossible. Press onward into the darkness. Create the friction by denying the darkness of its power. Relight the candle. Those who seek shall find.

"Hope begins in the dark... You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.” - Anne Lamott

simple love

The simple joys in life and the best joys. why is this? Simply because, they are simple.

Some simple loves of my summer:
* used books stores
* reggae Music
* libraries
* sunshine
* old friends

More to write later, right now I have to go to Bible Study!!!

I hate the feeling of wanting to tell someone something; even desperately needing to tell them something, but not knowing how. It's like you can never find the right words to say. It's like your brain goes all stupid on you and your tongue doesn't even remember how to form words anymore. It's like the air in your lungs won't come out. You try to speak but there is no sound, just the embarrassing whistle of that little bit of air that somehow has escaped from behind your closed throat. And then you feel like your chocking; chocking on AIR for goodness sake. The one thing that is supposed to help you breath is stopping you from breathing all together. And then, when you finally do get a hold of yourself and speak, all the wrong words come out. You lost your courage, and now the moment is gone and none of it feels right anymore.

If I could talk as well as I could write then this wouldn’t be a problem. But I can’t. I don’t know what it is about writing that makes me so brave, but it does. And that is scary, because writing is so much more incriminating