Sometimes I still am.
I was the girl who always focused on the negatives; who focused on what had gone wrong rather than what had gone right. And when you live like that, focusing on all the problems, nothing gets better because you begin to define yourself and your life by your problems. And then you begin to become a negative person. And you might not realize it right away, but eventually you become more resistant to change because solving your problems would mean that you would lose part of who you are.
A few months ago I decided I didn't want to be like that any more.
I didn't want to focus on all of the bad things, it wasn't helping. So I gave up all of that bad stuff. Sure, I was lost for a while. I had to force myself to think differently even when I didn't want to. But I think God honoured that, because it got easier as the days went by. And as I started to focus on all the good things in my life, life became more joyful. Life was still full of sorrow and pain at times, life always is, but redirecting my thoughts towards my blessings rather than my curses helped me to feel like a blessed person. Though I wasn't always happy I was able to find joy and peace and comfort.
Then this past month I fell back into old patterns and I was angry at myself for this. But I wouldn't take the step to change. Instead I just picked up a shovel and continued to dig myself into a hole of loneliness and discouragement.
Eventually I got worn out; I was sick of that lonely gutter-living feeling. And it was then that some words from James Chapter 1 came to mind. James says that God is faithful and gives up wisdom and joy when we ask for it. So, I humbly did just that. Instead of doing what I had been doing for the past month and demanding that God change my circumstance, I just asked that God would change me instead. And I woke up this morning feeling still feeling tired and exhausted. Am I falling into depression? I thought. I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was, or where any of this was coming from. It was like a fog had moved in silently overnight and when I woke up I was stuck in it. The only thing I could do was wait it out.
So I got up and sought out a cup of coffee, the ever-true morning pick-me-up. Then I went outside and did some yard work - the sun was shining, and as I wearily shoved small branches and leaves into a paper yard waste bag one of my favourite worship songs came on my iPod. And then there was this moment of stillness where I could feel the sun shinning down on me in all its brilliance, and I was just filled with this sense of joy. Then some wise words of a friend were brought to mind. "What if we woke up tomorrow with only the things we were grateful for today?"
In that moment it hit me. I had spent this past month being ungrateful. I had taken my eyes of God and put them on myself. I had taken my identity out of God's Word and put it into the care of others. I had been so foolish! I had demanded all these things of God and been selfish. So I repented and then I went through my life systematically and silently thanked God for all of the blessings I have: for my family and the wonderful time we could spend together that week; for my friends - they are the best ones I've had thus far in life; for my church and their endless love and support; for my Bolivia plans that are coming together; for real conversations over tea and camp-fires; for the sunshine and trees and birds; for maple coffee and apricot jam; but mostly for love - my life is so full of it. God has blessed me very richly. I am so thankful for my life and all the wonderful people and things in it and for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I would be so lost without Him.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about all of the ways in which I have been blessed this past year. If you had asked me even one year ago if I thought I would be where I am right now, I would have told you straight up, no. And so it's good for me to remember how things used to be, because it makes me grateful for who and where I am now. I don't want to dwell on the bad things any more, I want to think about things that are good and pure and beautiful. Sometimes you can't escape the bad things in life; they are right there in your face and you have to deal with them. But once you do, you have to learn to let them go.
So let them go. Be free. Don't be enslaved to negativity, or cynicism, or the past. Just think of all the good things you have and thank God for them. If you're struggling to find them then ask God to give you the wisdom to see them.
Then when you find them, hold them in your hand and in your heart and thank God for them. And just let all of the other stuff go.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -- Philippians 4:8
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