but i'm just a little teapot

I repeated math this year at school. (why am i talking about school when i am no longer in one? well read on and you'll find out). The reasons i repeated it are: 1) to bring up my mark (obiviously), 2) so that my overall average would go up which would make me eligible for better scholarships and 3) becasue it's actually useful and i wanted to make sure i had it down. But this is what gets me: i found it okay to retake math so that i could solidify my knowledge on the subject, but i don't find it okay when God trys to teach me something i already know.

What the heck is up with that? Stupid, that's what it is. The truth is, God could teach me the same thing a thousand times and that doesn't mean that i would understand. Like right now, God is teaching me to trust him and i'm all like, "God i already know how to do that... remember November? that was 'trust God when everything else falls aparts' month. I know how to trust you, i don't need to learn it again." But i do. because though in November i learnt to trust God with what is probably the most important thing in my life other than my relationship with him, i didn't learn how to trust him with the smaller things. things that still matter very much, but aren't nearly as close to my heart as that one big thing, things like friendships, a job, the future, and issues my friends are dealing with.

Why do i not like it when God try's to reteach me something? Because i know that in order to learn something well enough, you have to figure it out for yourself. You have to wander around aimlessly and find the answer or the truth will never stick. and i hate that because usually that involves pain. Trusting God means that you put what you want aside. You put your worries, you anxieties, everything you care about at his feet and say, "okay. you drive the car, i'll sit in the back. you write this story, i'll just be the main character." Trusting God means letting go of what you want and surrendering to the fact that God's story may not contain the ending that you hoped for.

i used to think that when it came to trusting God, i was pretty strong. but now i know that it's only when he works through me that i am. because honestly, i'm selfish and i want what i want and trusting God makes me vulnerable and unsure. trusting God makes me seem weak. But God uses that. I've used ths quote before but i'm using it again because i love it, it's a Christians life story (or should be).

"Like common pottery we are fragile and flawed and break easily. But God will use us if we allow him to work through our weaknesses." ~ Rick Warren