live.love.laugh.

I was reading Tara Cleaver's blog, as i often do, and her post, as usual, made me think really hard. This is some of what she wrote:

I've realized that in our heart of hearts, we all know what we want to do with our lives. But we don't want to admit it to anyone... in some cases, we don't even want to admit it to ourselves, because what if it doesn't happen? I think it's at the point where our dreams are so precious to us that, to speak them aloud makes them vulnerable, makes us vulnerable....I think that, as human beings, we need hope. We need dreams. We need to hope and to dream. We need to do so wisely, but to not hope or dream at all is to kill part of the essence of who we are. God gives us the ability to dream and to hope for a reason. Dare to dream.

After reading Tara's post over again today I realized that I had stopped dreaming. I felt that having expectations led to being hurt and so i decided not to expect things anymore. But because i stopped expecting things from other people i also stopped expecting things from myself. I got tired of one-way friendships, of me trying and having no one (except a few people, one of whom is one of my best friends, the most loyal and honest girl I know, and is not even a Christian) give back; i got tired of the lack of a second job so i stopped looking for one; i kept messing up as a Christian and so decided it was pointless to try anymore; i was afraid of not being able to go to school so i pretty much decided in my mind that i wasn't going and if i did, i wouldn't make it.
Living like that is like living in hell: living with absolutely no hope. What do you have to live for when you have no hope? Don't ever live like that. Don't ever give up hope, because when you do you give up on life. If you don't have hope then you pretty much don't have motivation and so you stop doing things. Instead put your hope in God because he is the only one who will ever see you through, forever.
I hate that we try to defend ourselves. We try and stop ourselves from getting hurt and then wind up hurting ourselves more in the process. We take some risks, we'll do stupid things like jump off 60 foot bridges or skydive. If we get hurt we often just want to do it again. But when it comes to the heart we become more guarded and, eventually, some of us just shut down and shut everyone out. But life is about taking risks, it's about dreaming and hoping and seeing how far you can go. Live your life. Laugh. Love. Take chances.

"'But they did end, all of them,' I said. 'They failed.'
'Maybe some would say so,' she said... 'But I think, personally, that it would be worse to have been alone all that time. Sure, maybe I would have protected my heart from those things, but would that really have been better? To hold myself apart becasue I was too scared...'
'..then at least you're safe. The fate of your heart is your choice, and no one else gets a vote.'
She considered this.. 'Well, it's true that I have been hurt in my life. Quite a lot. But it's also true that I have loved, and been loved. And that carries a weight of it's own. A greater weight, in my opinion... The problems, the sadness... those will be there too, but just smaller slivers, tiny peices.'
'I just think that you have to protect yourself,' I said. 'You can't just give yourself away.'
'No,' she said. 'You can't. But holding people away from you, and denying yourself love, that doesn;t make you strong. If anything, it makes you weaker. Because you're doing it out of fear... Fear of taking a chance. Of letting go and giving into it, and that's what makes us what we are. Risks. That's living. Being too scared to even try it- that's just a waste. I can say I made a lot of mistakes, but I don't regret things. Because at least I didn't spend a life standing outside, wondering what living would be like.' " (From: This Lullaby by Sarah Dessen)

Hold on to hope. I always hear the saying "if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your future plans, "and it's true. But that doesn't mean you can't dream about the person you want to become. Planning out our lives in detail will lead to heartbreak but hoping for a life full of love and laughter, that's something that can happen. Don't hold onto anything that offers a line, but don't deny living because you're afraid it will hurt too much. "I'd rather feel pain then nothing at all..." Trust and put your hope in God tell him your dreams and then lay them down so that he can create the dream he has for your life. It's the hardest thing you will ever do at times, but when it comes down to it, it's all that matters.

"Trust in the Lord and do good. Then you will live safely in the land and prosper. Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart's desires." -Psalm 37:3,4