Chaos

It's all around me. Everywhere I go. Everything I see. It's in everything I do. Driving down city streets. Walking across bridges. Entering my bedroom, clothes hastily strewn on the floor. Lying in my bed at night, listening to the silence and trying to make sense of it all. I look all around me and I think, this is not me. My world is breaking at the seams. But this is not me.

As hard as I try I can't seem to find any space. It's closing in. Life just keeps piling up and as hard as I try I can't find the bottom. Getting lost within chaos is uterly chaotic.

Magazines get thrown at me. Look at this, this is who you are supposed to be, they say. The television blinds my vision, telling me how I should live my life. Five easy steps to becoming a better person. Another self-help book falls out of my fusturated hands and onto the floor. The music is loud and I want to scream. I'm not a "stupid girl", I swear!

Eventually I become tired of this. Of the chaos. Eventually I come to the place where I fall on my knees and actually try opening my heart. And here is where I break.

He's all around me. Everywhere I go. Everything I see. He's in everything I do. Driving down city streets. Walking across bridges. Entering my bedroom, my clothes still hastily strewn on the floor. Even at night when the moonlight shines through my window. I take a look around me and I think, this is not me. Show me who I am.

Finally, after going through days, months, maybe even years of not listening I hear a voice. You are mine. I have chosen you.

Standing at a worship concert. Listening to the sound of a thousand voices singing and yet I am able to hear that still small voice. I have other plans for you.

Ready to pull my hair out becasue I am so fustrated with life. This neverending cycle of not being good enough has only gotten worse. When will I ever be good enough for you? It seems that being a Christian is a losing battle. I can't take the continual reminder that I just don't measure up. But then I hear that voice. I love you, all of you. Not just the good parts. Not just sometimes. Even when you hate me, I still love you.
I start to realize that falling is a part of the journey. You have to fail in order to learn. Yes, I struggle and no, God doesn't like to see me sin. But at the same time all my faults shape me into the person that I am, and push me to strive to be the person I will become.

God answers prayer. It may take a long time. It may not be the answer you want. But he does answer. Sometimes we just don't realize it because we are too busy worrying, or feeling sorry for ourselves, or trying to become something we're not. Sometimes we make our lives and our thoughts so chaotic that God can't get a word in edgewise. When we surround ourselves with things of the world and start to care more about what the world thinks than what God thinks we set oursleves up for failure. God should be our measuring stick. So sit back and listen for the voice of God. He'll tell you what to do. Today when he spoke to me he reminded me of his promises. I have a plan for you Kaitlyn, but you have to trust me. You have to trust that I know you better than you know yourself. You have to trust that the chaos will turn into something beautiful. All those other things, throw them away. Right now I am all you need.

If your life is choas right now pray that God will speak through it. My life was chaos. It still is. But at least now I am leaning on God to see me through it. You aren't strong. You can't do it by yourself. But you do have to meet God halfway. Listen to him. He'll tell you all you need to know. There's beauty to be found in all that chaos.