And like with every year's resolution, I did write for a little while. But then after about 4 days my writing tapered off and I started waking up every Monday morning (my writing day) saying, 'Today, I will write!" ... and then it was 11pm Monday night and I had written nothing.
This is no irregular pattern for me. Having a desire - a skill I want to hone or a project I want to get done - and not following through. Our small apartment is full of these unfinished projects. Unfinished poems, songs, paintings, nutrition plans... and it is actually quite okay with me because lately I have given myself permission not to finish everything I start. Permission to try new things and not like them, or just not finish because I plain lose interest. Permission to have unfinished business.
And yet today I need a different type of permission. And I need this permission because writing isn't like all those other things I set out to do and don't finish. I like writing. Love it, in fact. Especially when it isn't the school type or writing... though I even like that sometimes too. It is therapeutic, helps me process, and is probably one of the only ways I remember anything. I also like writing because I believe I am good at it (someone pinch me... did I just say I was good at something? That never happens. No like honestly - I'm pretty self-deprecatory). But yes, most of the time I think I'm good at writing, and I want to be better.
But for the past 2 months I haven't been publishing anything anywhere because I've been afraid. Afraid that maybe I'm not as good at it as I think I am. Afraid no one will read it. Afraid that the words I write will not be found interesting or significant by anyone but me. And then I realize that I need more permission... Permission to not writing something dazzling every day, but just to write for the sake of writing something, Permission to give up my people-pleasing ways and create something that, if no one reads it, could really just be for me. And finally, permission to be courageous and just do it: just write!
Not always my strong suit - courage that is. Seriously. I did a personality test with my husband a few weeks ago and my personality description literally said that I was a cautious person in all areas of life, and in particular that I spend a lot of time planning moves and not a ton of time executing them (unless life - or my job - requires it, which they always do!). And so on Jan 1st I planned to write, and I did a little bit, but it never once wound up on my blog - the blog that when I was 15 I posted on almost every day (you can read the archives... I'm sure my 15-year-old brain was even more dazzling than this 28-year-old one, ha).
And so today I am giving myself permission.
Permission to be courageous.
Permission to fail.
And permission, more than anything else, to write.
So here goes, friends.
Want to come along for the ride?
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