redemption

I have fought with myself for a long time. Battling the tensions between who I am and who I want to be. Trapped inside the mess of knowing who I have been, and the things I have done, and the fear of being stuck inside the cage my mistakes had built me.

But if there is one thing that God is capable of, it is creating. He is the Master Creator, and if He can create this Earth and raise Jesus from the dead, then He is totally capable of giving me a new life.

But when God gives you a new life, it isn't like the life that you wished you'd had. You know, the life you dream of when you dream of running away from everything and everyone you've ever known; when you think that you can start over and no one in this new place will know who you used to be.

No, God doesn't take those people away; the people that have judged you. And He doesn't make you forget the person that you've been. But he does give you redemption; He gives you the power to change and to show all those naysayers how you've changed. He enables you to remember who you have been, but to not feel burdened by that weight anymore. Instead, he lifts you up, above who you used to be, and let's you remember the past so that you can move successfully into the future.

I remember the past. I remember times when I could spend an entire day locked in my room watching sad movies, eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself. But now, I get up every morning. I put myself out there over and over and over again, even though sometimes, I don't feel like facing the world.

I do this because God is the Redeemer, and He has redeemed me from my past; He has invigorated me with His strength and His purpose. This isn't just about me anymore. This is about something so much bigger than me; so much bigger than I can imagine.

Today, I was feeling weak, and I asked God why he hadn't given me any of His strength; why He hadn't helped me to get anywhere nearer to my goal. And then, there it was, His strength inside of me, just like that. I don't think God grants us answers when we challenge Him very often. Mostly I think this is because He wants us to trust Him. But today, I think He knew that the best way to get me to trust Him was by proving me wrong.

It's crazy, really - the ways that God has answered my prayers lately. I think it has something to do with me trusting Him, and being willing to be vulnerable; being willing to give Him control. When you let Him do His thing, He does it, and I can guarantee that you will be just as amazed and thankful as I am. I'm still not very good at it, but I am learning, and I encourage you to do the same. Handing over the controls is scary, but it is also liberating, and it made me feel more secure and more confident in God than I have ever been.

I hope that you will get to see the same redemptive power displayed in your own life. But more than that, I hope that you won't get to the point of blaming God, but instead seeking His strength first, even when things get hard and you feel alone. You have the chance for redemption, but first you're going to have to surrender - that's the hard part.

photo via (we heart it)