as I look upon this world
I can't help but be angry
at the injustice I witness

something inside tells me
this isn't the way things should be
and my heart fills with fear

then my eyes begin to well up
tears that are salty and stinging
as my heart slowly begins to break

I'm a brokenhearted girl
for this brokenhearted world
but what can I do?

maybe nothing, maybe everything
for on my own I am powerless
but with You, all things are possible

for you are the Healer, Comforter, Redeemer
Strong Tower, Hard Rock
the Gracious One

On our own we are destined
for destruction and anger
the world brings us sadness we cannot bear

yet You bring us hopefulness
and joy and peace abound
You are the only one who can unite us again

sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are easy

I have fallen into a slump lately.
Lately... really I mean for the past year.
I used to be so passionate about my future. I loved school, I was eager to learn and to grow and could not wait to take all that I was learning and put it into practice in the field. But now all I feel is lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Well, I have a general idea I guess: I know that I want to help others. But what does that even mean? There are thousands of things I could do that would encompass my desire to serve.


Last year I moved from wanting to become involved in international development, to more of a social development focus. As much as the state of the world bothers me; as much as it makes me heart break and I think that poverty is a human rights issue, I still believe that people's hearts and minds matter more. My friend reminded me of a quote from Mother Teresa:

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread."

I think that's true. As much as the dire physical situations of the poor evoke the sadness within, the psychological effects of life on an individual break my heart even more. Giving a poor woman who was raped as a child a job and access to adequate health care merely bandage the wound, they don't enable healing. I'm not saying that economic development isn't important, it definitely is. But I think that my calling is more towards the healing of hearts; the uniting of the bridges that divide human beings from one another. I mean, think about how many depressed people live in developed countries. We seem to have it all, but we're missing something that is so key: connection. We have the material side of life down pat, but I think we have a seriously tangled up idea about what real hope and joy look like. We've disconnected ourselves from each other, from the earth, and from God. We're just alone; putting more emphasis on money and possessions and careers than on people.

So, as I have become overwhelmed with the seemingly endless need that the world presents I continue to ask the same question: what can I, one person, do? The question is a complicated one, but really, the answer is easy: just trust. I continually worry about doing the right thing. Am I taking the right classes at school? Am I in the right program? What should my area of focus be? Should I get field experience now, or later? But God just keeps telling me: "I know the plans, Kait. I'm the architect, you're just the materials. Trust me because I know what I'm doing, I know where to put you, I know where you fit." Complicated questions that have easy answers are always frustrating because the answer is so easy, yet so hard to actually do.

So if you are in a similar position. If you don't really know where you fit, what your purpose is and how you as one person could ever make a difference, here is my piece of encouragement: Don't give up. If you have passionate anger and a bone to pick with the ways of the world, don't let that go. Don't succumb to the pressure to be just another human being, working their life away - but to what end? Whether you believe in God or not makes no difference. If you have a desire to make the world a better place, then you can do that. And honestly, I don't think it really matter how you do it. So stop trying to find the thing that will have the greatest impact on the world. Because you will never find it. The people that make the biggest differences are those that just followed their hearts and loved people. Think about it: even if all you do is help one person, that is still one person. One less broken person. One life changed. How many other people can say that? That they befriended a stranger and gave hope to someone else, forever changing their life? I'm guessing not too many. So don't give up. Every drop of water in the bucket of change moves the bucket one drop closer to its tipping point.

peace and love,
Kait

returning to my first loves

This past year has been a roller coaster ride - anyone who has been with me through the experiences could tell you that. For a while there, I had lost who I was. But now I'm back. Feeling more like myself again and returning to the things that I once loved. The biggest of those is God.

My good friend and I are reading through the entire Bible this summer, cover to cover, and right now I am reading all about the Israelites and their rebellion against God. Oh, how I can relate to the nation of Israel! I feel like a perpetual prodigal daughter; forsaking my Father and going off on my own and then returning to repent, only to rebel once again. But the LORD says: "Remember the height from which you have fallen!" And so each time I repent and try to work my way back to where I was before I rebelled, and then to keep working to surpass that place.

It is my hope that I never fall so far away as I did this year while away at school, and so I have done certain things to ensure this: having a solid foundation in knowing who I am in Christ, finding a engaging and challenging Church family, and surrounding myself with healthy and uplifting friends who encourage me to press onwards towards The Goal. But there are other things that God has gifted me with; passions He has given me that engage me with His world, with His people, and enable me to center myself. These things are writing and music. So I am returning to these loves of mine. I still wrote quite often when I wasn't following Christ, but it just wasn't the same. It was more a venting mechanism than something that came as an extension of myself. So now I am getting falling back in love with ink and paper and computer keyboards. I'm starting a summer project and hopefully will complete it by October 2010!!! - Stay tuned for details! As you can probably tell, I will also be blogging more. I know I have said this before, but this time it's for real, I can just feel it! HAHA. The posts will range from anything to everything. Sometimes they'll be spiritual, sometimes they'll be random rants, sometimes they'll be the latest poem I've written or my latest critique on world issues. Don't worry, I'll mix it up to keep you interested, hopefully :)

As for music, that has always been around as well, but now I am going to share a bit of that love with you! So every time I write a new post I will also be posting any new/awesome music that I have been listening to in a box on the right side of my blog, and hopefully you will enjoy some of my findings!

That's about it for now. Oh yeah --- FIFA World Cup Begins in THREE weeks!!! woohoo - go Netherlands!

Kate Earl seems to have heard every thought I have ever thought and put them all into her songs

MELODY - KATE EARL

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got da da da inside my head
And I play songs back to back until I got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There’s no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It’s the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

and I find that I’m never alone
and I find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that I built on my own
and I know that I’m never alone
and I know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own kind of company
I got ba ba ba inside my head
And I sing songs back to back until I go to bed

There’s a river in my mind that’s never still
Swirling, soothing all the time gives me a thrill
Swimming in the notes that go
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Wandering, waking in an empty wood
It is quiet here, I am powerful
I look down below serenade the world
From inside my soul

and I find that I’m never alone
and I find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that I built on my own
and I know that I’m never alone
and I know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

When the walls begin to creep in
And the sky is falling down
When I’m swallowed up in feelings
I get lost inside the sound…

where your heart lies, there your treasure will be also

People have been asking me a lot lately, "What do you want to do with your life?"
So I've been thinking about it: I'm in third year and the job search will soon be looming.

Honestly, I don't ever want a desk job. I don't want the 9-5 business job. So I could be a teacher. Or a development worker. Or a social worker. Those work.

But really, I just want to travel around, walk barefoot, writing books and taking photos and talking to people. Just talking about life, and love, and why. I want to learn about living, and then I want to teach people about how to live. Because, as someone that has lived most of their life half-dead, I think I might know a bit about what's missing.

I want to make people care about the important things; about finding a joy that lasts. I want to heal people's hearts. I want to show the rich how to be poor, how to be simple, how to be really blessed for goodness sake.

I'm not worried, really. I know that everything will fall into its proper place as long as I continue to work at it. But sometimes I feel like things will never begin. I feel so pent up, boxed up, enclosed in a shell of fear and expectation and non-starting.

I really need to stop watching so much TV. I bet then I'd get things done...

These are the songs that remind us of who we are

My favorite thing about music is that it doesn't expect anything of you. You just let go; you get to be yourself.

Music is that thing that, no matter where you are, you can always count on. There are songs that reach across many spans of time; that apply across all sorts of situations and when you listen to them give you that feeling, the feeling that all will be well with the world. As long as that song is playing, you are at peace. For those few short minutes, in which everything you are feeling inside is made known through sound, you feel like someone out there finally understands.

My friend and I were talking about our love for music the other day and he said that without music he would probably be a basket case. Music is a form of release for so many people. It takes all the emotions that lie within us and just lets them out. And the best thing about music is that everyone understands it. Music is one of those things in life that is universal.

It is because of this that I believe that music is one of the most powerful tools we have. Music has the ability to heal and to build relationships. Music can become a place of common ground, a tool for peace and for understanding.

For the most part, I have never met the people that sing my favorite songs. I haven't talked to them, I don't know what they are like, who their family is, what they believe in or how life has treated them. But at the same time I feel like we have lived and walked together, through the music sharing our life experiences.

Music is a great tool for knowing one another. We don't even have to listen to someone sing. We can merely sit with them. listen to the song they have on and get a glimpse of what they may be feeling at that particular moment. There are songs that we listen to when we are in certain mood, when we have certain feelings and desires, and by listening to these songs together, we can slowly begin to understand.

Music tells a story. Even when it doesn't contain words it's narrative is present and, though interpretable, holds a common meaning for all of us. I believe that God created music so that we might better understand one another, that we might find something to bring us together during all seasons of life. Through all the good and all the bad, the melodies of life we'll sing.

the secret of life

It's weird how someone you never knew can affect your life in such a deep and intimate way.

For me it was a guy from my old church. I never had the great experience of meeting Dave Powell; to hear his laugh, or experience his passion for God and life. I've never looked upon his face, or into his eyes, or explored the pieces of his soul that I hear he would so willingly share. And though Dave and I are total strangers, even total opposites in the ways that we live our lives; I feel as though I know a part of him.

It's a crazy thought. I know, I know. But then again we all have these crazy thoughts from time to time. I probably have them more often than not, which may seem unfortunate, but it sure keeps things interesting.

But back to Dave: I feel as though I have met him before. And I think that is because I have. Because for some of my life I knew and loved the man that so inspired Dave. The man he is now laughing with and magnifying and bowing down to worship in His very presence. And His name is Jesus.

Now, I haven't been religious for some time. Events transpired and thoughts occurred that slowly, over time, drew me away from the religion I had held so dear for most of my life. But I cannot deny this profound thought I have that Dave really did exhibit the character of what I think God may be like. Someone that is radical, that catches people's attention and whose character, though humble, demands attention because of the spark that it has. Someone who loves unconditionally, and in the right ways. From what I have heard about Dave, he seems to be someone who really lived life. We're all alive, but I can testify to the fact that most of us live our lives half dead. Because that's where I am, and it's where i have been for months now.

But Dave has shown me something. Though he never spoke a word to me, the legacy his life has left behind and the impression that he has made on the people that have met him causes me to think in ways that I haven't for a long time.

And I start to wonder... if maybe He got it right. Actually, I know he did.

I wish I had known Dave.
I wish he was here now and I could ask him how he became to be the Christ-like person that he was. Because right now, I am at a loss.

Dave. Tell me your secret.