shadows

i keep changing my mind. it's like one second i want one thing, and the next i want another. and everytime i change my mind i have to stop and think, "kait, this isn't just about you." and i realize that as much as a person can try to be self-less, it doesn't always work out that way. sometimes, even when people try to do God's will, they end up being totally way off base. they say "God help me to do your will" meanwhile doing something that isn't, or go do something that isn't. i don't get it, and yet i do it all the time. but this is one thing i believe about the character of God- he doesn't impose. he doesnt't pressure, and he doesn't force. instead God gave humans free will. so i think that we can say "i want to be in God's will" all we want, but we won't be in his will unless we have his will in our hearts. in other words, if we REALLY want to be in his will. the hard part is, sometimes you don't even realize that your out of God's will until it's too late.
i find that sometimes i am so focused on what I want that i unconsciously push aside what God wants and make myself believe that my wants are God's plan. it's like i play God. "this can't hurt me, it can only help me mature" blah blah blah... my excuses for growth end up shadowing God's plan for my life.
the worst part is, i see these things that could actually be total blessings, and i instantly think that it is what God wants. whether it be a situation, a person, or anything else. i get in the mode of "kait wants, God must want. so kait will get" plain and simple. or not. becasue when i start to think like that, that's when i get caught up in life. and that's where i end up getting hurt.
so... the point of all this? just becasue the opportunity is there, doesn't mean it's meant to happen. it's kind of like my mantra about love/relationships "just because there's attraction, doesn't meant it's meant to happen." im not trying to be a downer and say that God's will sucks and is never what we want, becasue that's not true. the past week of my life alone has proven that. but i am saying that not every single thing that is in front of us is ours for the taking. the world and everything in it is God's and if you're a Christian, then you entire life is God's. the beauty of life is that it is a gift. but the love of life, what makes it so appealing, is that we never know what's around the corner.
God chooses what he gives to us, we can offer up all kinds of "prayers and requests" but ultimately, it is his decision. from personal experience i believe that if it's God's will, it will eventually happen, and if its not, then it may happen, but it will eventually come to an end. maybe that's wrong, i don't know. but i do know this "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). Every single situation in life works together with all the others to bring glory to God and to shape your character to become like that of Jesus Christ.
so ending thoughts because this blog is getting all over the map (sorry lol)... if you are presented with a situation, a person in your life, anything really -pray. ask God for help, ask him to guide your steps, to direct your paths, but more than that: to keep your mind clear so that your desires will not get in the way of his plan. the question i ask myself lately is this: how can you do God's will if you don't know what it is? well... the Bible says what God's will for us is. and to be honest, i think that if you search deep enough within your heart, you'll find that you know what God wants of you.
"Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." ~ Matthew 6:10