last

i am utterly exhausted... it feels like i have not slept in weeks, even though i had a 40 minute power nap this afternoon. last month was amazing. it was like something had suddenly clicked inside of me and life started making sense. i knew what i had to do and i did it. but lately it feels like that purpose and that peace has been fading. and it's Christmas. and im sitting here like, God why can't i find you right now? cuz it feels like he's so far away. it feels like everyone's far away, i think i push people out and if i'm doing that to you right now, tell me, don't let me, i'll thank you later on.
i hate that these last couple post's have been downers- that's December for me this year. I started this month (of course coming out of my amazing November) thinking that this would be the best Christmas ever, but it's starting to look like if i don't change something, it might shape up to be the worst. the worst part is- i know it's me, i know that something is keeping me from God and from my friends, but i just can't figure out what it is or how to change it.
Last night we had the Impact Christmas Banquet, and it went SO well! way better than i expected. things went smoothly and i think everyone had a ton of fun, and i actually (other than the stress) had a TON of fun planning it out. And we also had some amazing people volunteering and totally serving God by serving us that night. God is so amazing and it's is SWEET how much he can do! the youth of Valley View have raised over $1,000 for Blood:Water Mission in the past 2 months!!
but after it was all over and i had carried all the stuff to my car, i didn't feel this weight lift from my shoulders or find myself thinking, "ahh it's done, no more worries, that was fantastic." instead i drove home and then sat in my driveway and cried. what the heck is wrong with me? then today, at my family Christmas, i got there and just felt like crying. maybe i'm just tired, or maybe there's something bigger going on. i don't know. maybe im not doing what im supposed to be doing and so i don't feel right. i don't normally post stuff like this on the internet, but i know that most of the people that read this blog [which you have stopped commenting on! :(] are mostly my close friends, and so the reason i'm telling you this is so that once again, i can ask you to pray for me. It just seems like lately i havn't had the time (or the motivation) to talk to people about how i'm really doing. people ask "how are you" and i say, "im okay" and they say "oh that's great!" thats great? sorry but i wish i was more than okay. i wish i was fantastic. but i don't just walk up to people and be like "yea im having a bad day and i want to talk about it". much of the time i want to talk, but find it akward to randomly bring it up unless someone actually asks, or if comes up somehow. it's stupid. GAH.
but even though i am having a crappy month, i know that God's there through it all and for the first time (well other than this summer) i'm not blaming him. i know i'm going to learn something from this and that my faith will be that much stronger because of the crappiness. but right now i don't know how to get out of this cycle. so please, pray. don't feel obligated, but if you feel God putting it on your heart... i can't even tell you how much that would mean to me.