Even in literature or art no man who cares about originality will ever be original. It’s the man who is only thinking about doing a good job or telling the truth who becomes really original, but doesn’t notice it. Even in social life, you never make a good impression on other people until you stop thinking what sort of impression you make. That principle runs all through life from the top to the bottom. Give up yourself and you will find your real self. Lose your life and you will save it. Submit to death, submit with every fibre of your being and you will find eternal life. - C.S. Lewis
10.09.2012
We need to find God, and He cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.
Hold fast to your hope, my dear.
I know these worlds
got you all hung up;
wound tight;
bent out of shape.
But I'll be the mould
to hold you
for now and for as long as you need.
You won't fall.
I'll be the rope to tie you
back together; sewn.
No noose; you have your voice,
though there's no shouting here.
This is the quiet
the most quiet place on earth
here between hope and waiting
all stands still.
9.16.2012
"Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting.” - The Time Traveller's Wife
In just over 2 weeks I'll be heading back to South America for another 5-8 months of volunteering. It's going be great. I'm excited to get back down there, see the kids, and work on the streets.
But I'm also excited because for the past 10 months I have been saving money so that I can afford this trip, and also do a bit more travelling when I am down there. I still want to visit that salt flats and the Santa Cruz jungle, and I am even hoping that I can visit Peru and Machu Picchu for a few days for my birthday this year! Then, if I come back down to Bolivia in the new year, I'll stop by Panama and Costa Rica to visit my bestie afterwards, on my way back up to Canada in July. I also need to explore more of Canada. I've been to the East coast many times and absolutely love it. I love the pace of life, the smell of the earth and the ocean, the small towns. City life just isn't for me. But my next Canada tip will definitely be out West, to the mountains. I absolutely love mountains. They just take my breath away, much like large bodies of water do. So I'll find a car and maybe some friends and we'll road trip out to BC. Cathedral Grove and Englishman River Falls Park are definitely on my list of things to see. So are Spray Valley PP and Lake Superior. I want to live with the mountains and the trees soooo definitely have to see those.
Then, finally, someday I will visit Southeast Asia like I have always dreamed. Indonesia, Thailand, Vietnam, Bangladesh and India - someday I will see your shores. Here's to hoping I get a half-decent job when I get back so I can pay for all of that!
I heard a song recently that reminded me of times past.
The songs we sing bring
back memories when we hear them again. They bring back every feeling we once
felt; nostalgia sets in, but it’s this happy blissful type so we don’t mind. I
love songs like that – song that tell the story of the moments of my life.
I once heard a song that said that fastest way isn’t always the easiest.
Funny, that didn’t make much sense to me until now. I think we evaluate how
hard or easy something is based on how we feel at any given moment, but our evaluation
can completely change when we’re out of it. When we’re in the clear we get to
see the whole picture and are reminded of how we have been blessed, that’s when
we see things with clear vision.
Sometimes we make choices and they hurt, but that doesn’t mean they’re the
wrong choice, just that they’re difficult.
Patience hurts sometimes. It can be utterly grueling. Sometimes it almost
feels like you’ll stop breathing if you have to wait another second. But then
you wait, and eventually the waiting gets easier and you aren’t so restless.
The fastest way isn’t always the easiest. It may seem that way, but then we
reach the end and we see that if we had done things differently, if we had gone
the fast way, everything would have culminated in disaster. So, we decide to take
the longer way, because then we aren’t setting ourselves up for failure. We’re
patient and kind, we forgive and we have compassion. We work things out. We
give each other the chance to change; we see what will become of us instead of
forcing one another to become things that we are not. We don’t jump in head
first. We trust.
The longer way is difficult because we are not sure if, in the end, it is
worth it. But I think it is. When we are patient and calm we can take things as
they come. We wait for the best. We don’t settle.
Taking the fast way we are not prepared when, unexpectedly, things change
and we all end up with broken hearts and jaded souls. That is no way to live.
We’re not being too careful. We’re not full of fear. We’re just being
cautious, and as such we are being wise. We are not the type of people to throw
ourselves out there and just let any old person or any fleeting feeling take
hold of us and drive us into the dark. No, we’re better than that. So we don’t
take the very first thing that comes along, and we don’t despair if, in the
end, we’re still alone. Because we’re doing it right, and that’s what matters. We’re
saving our hearts so that we might save our lives.
“Guard your heart above all else, for it is the wellspring of life.”
–Proverbs 4:23
O Lord, you have searched me and known me! 2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. 3 You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. 5 You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. 6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? 8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! 9 If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 10 even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me. 11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” 12 even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! 18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God! O men of blood, depart from me! 20 They speak against you with malicious intent; your enemies take your name in vain. 21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord? And do I not loathe those who rise up against you? 22 I hate them with complete hatred; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! 24 And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!
5.28.2012
Here wealth rides on his high horse.
His saddle bags are full;
the water in his canteen pure.
His face is beautiful
and his hair is clean;
there is no dirtiness we can see.
With him he brings stories,
knowledge, medicine, success.
The poor crowd his horse's legs, begging.
But all he can do is throw them coins
and give them books
filled with tales and words
they cannot read.
He has brought many things;
and he has not failed
to bring his ignorance.
He does not realize that
bending down
from his high horse
will eventually break his back.
He must be willing to break his own heart.
To teach them, he must get down
and become one
with them. He, the teacher,
must learn to be taught.
He must get down from his high horse,
and rise above the notion
that there is not much more to life
than wealth.
5.16.2012
I used to be pretty cynical. Sometimes I still am. I was the girl who always focused on the negatives; who focused on what had gone wrong rather than what had gone right. And when you live like that, focusing on all the problems, nothing gets better because you begin to define yourself and your life by your problems. And then you begin to become a negative person. And you might not realize it right away, but eventually you become more resistant to change because solving your problems would mean that you would lose part of who you are. A few months ago I decided I didn't want to be like that any more. I didn't want to focus on all of the bad things, it wasn't helping. So I gave up all of that bad stuff. Sure, I was lost for a while. I had to force myself to think differently even when I didn't want to. But I think God honoured that, because it got easier as the days went by. And as I started to focus on all the good things in my life, life became more joyful. Life was still full of sorrow and pain at times, life always is, but redirecting my thoughts towards my blessings rather than my curses helped me to feel like a blessed person. Though I wasn't always happy I was able to find joy and peace and comfort. Then this past month I fell back into old patterns and I was angry at myself for this. But I wouldn't take the step to change. Instead I just picked up a shovel and continued to dig myself into a hole of loneliness and discouragement. Eventually I got worn out; I was sick of that lonely gutter-living feeling. And it was then that some words from James Chapter 1 came to mind. James says that God is faithful and gives up wisdom and joy when we ask for it. So, I humbly did just that. Instead of doing what I had been doing for the past month and demanding that God change my circumstance, I just asked that God would change me instead. And I woke up this morning feeling still feeling tired and exhausted. Am I falling into depression? I thought. I didn't understand why I was feeling the way I was, or where any of this was coming from. It was like a fog had moved in silently overnight and when I woke up I was stuck in it. The only thing I could do was wait it out. So I got up and sought out a cup of coffee, the ever-true morning pick-me-up. Then I went outside and did some yard work - the sun was shining, and as I wearily shoved small branches and leaves into a paper yard waste bag one of my favourite worship songs came on my iPod. And then there was this moment of stillness where I could feel the sun shinning down on me in all its brilliance, and I was just filled with this sense of joy. Then some wise words of a friend were brought to mind. "What if we woke up tomorrow with only the things we were grateful for today?" In that moment it hit me. I had spent this past month being ungrateful. I had taken my eyes of God and put them on myself. I had taken my identity out of God's Word and put it into the care of others. I had been so foolish! I had demanded all these things of God and been selfish. So I repented and then I went through my life systematically and silently thanked God for all of the blessings I have: for my family and the wonderful time we could spend together that week; for my friends - they are the best ones I've had thus far in life; for my church and their endless love and support; for my Bolivia plans that are coming together; for real conversations over tea and camp-fires; for the sunshine and trees and birds; for maple coffee and apricot jam; but mostly for love - my life is so full of it. God has blessed me very richly. I am so thankful for my life and all the wonderful people and things in it and for my relationship with Jesus Christ. I would be so lost without Him.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed when I think about all of the ways in which I have been blessed this past year. If you had asked me even one year ago if I thought I would be where I am right now, I would have told you straight up, no. And so it's good for me to remember how things used to be, because it makes me grateful for who and where I am now. I don't want to dwell on the bad things any more, I want to think about things that are good and pure and beautiful. Sometimes you can't escape the bad things in life; they are right there in your face and you have to deal with them. But once you do, you have to learn to let them go. So let them go. Be free. Don't be enslaved to negativity, or cynicism, or the past. Just think of all the good things you have and thank God for them. If you're struggling to find them then ask God to give you the wisdom to see them. Then when you find them, hold them in your hand and in your heart and thank God for them. And just let all of the other stuff go.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things." -- Philippians 4:8
Sometimes I don’t feel like I know what the word
love even means. Is it even a word? Or is it a whisper? Something we
hear quietly calling our name in the deep and the dark? Something we
find when we least expect it; when we let the noise around us dissipate
into blankness and hear the stillness of our hearts speak?
What does it mean to love one another?
Is
love an action; a feeling? Is it something I do; what I say? Is it a
thought process? Is it an inevitability of falling or is it a choice?
In the end, all
I know is that I know nothing. And I think that maybe that’s what love
is all about. It’s about realizing that, though you yourself are not
less, there are things out there that are much bigger and greater and
grander than you; things you don’t always need to put a finger on or
understand.
I think love starts with humility.
It is that little pinch of pain you feel when you bite your tongue. It’s
the friction that comes from swallowing your pride. It’s the resistance
in your heart when you choose to forgive. It’s a lot of different
things. We don’t have to define it; we don’t have to put it in a box.
Because
if God is love and God is an incomprehensible being, more than we could
ever even think to imagine, then isn’t love more than we could hope it
to be as well? Isn't it bigger than all of our ideas about what it
should be?
For me, there is comfort in that; comfort that
there is something covering me that is bigger than myself. God and love
are things that are bigger than my thoughts could ever attempt to wrap
themselves around.
Sometimes I look up at the
night sky and take in the moon and stars and the blue-blackness and I
think about how big it all is, but it doesn’t make me feel small. No, I
look up at all that vastness and I just think about how big it is, and
how the God that created all that beauty and all that wonder made me
too.
And then I think about how even when He has all
of that, even when He has the sun and the moon and the stars and the
sky, He still chooses me. I mean how crazy is that? A God who has
everything, who created everything, who created all these beautiful
mysterious things also chose to create me and to love me.
But still, I don’t feel small. I don’t feel big either. I just feel ... loved.
And
I can’t explain it and I can’t trace it out. I just know it. I know
that I am loved beyond measure. And I know all of this because the stars
and the moon and the blue-black sky tell me so. And so no matter where I
go, no matter what land I find myself in, all I have to do is look up
at the moon and the stars, or the rivers and the mountains, or the sun
and the flowers, or the valleys and the snow, and all of it reminds me
that I am loved.
Moment by moment, God reveals
more of what love is. Each day I am stretched and broken and renewed.
Each day I am tested. And each day I come closer to understanding how I
can help others to see the stars and the moon and the blue-black sky the
way I do. How they can look at these big things and still see more. I
mess up a lot. Sometimes there are clouds and they block the light of
the stars. But I know that God can work with that. Just because there
are clouds one night doesn’t mean the stars aren’t there. And it
definitely doesn’t mean that God stops the dusk from arriving the next
night. He gives the stars another chance. And heck, clouds don't interfere with the sun, they just make for a beautiful sunset.
So I hope that I can keep growing to be the
kind of person who lives in such a way that doesn’t make others feel
small, or even big, but just that I make them feel loved. That people
would be able to look at me, a part of God’s creation, and see Him and
feel His love.
"I don't think I'd pride myself in being addicted to anything. Not sugar, or coffee, or chocolate, or love. But maybe, I'd humble myself and say that I am absolutely addicted to Jesus. I can't survive without Him. I need Him the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed and He is the only reason that I sleep well at night. He sustains me; lifts me up when I am low and brings me down when I am strung too high. He's everything I think about and everything I do is based on my need for Him. I don't want to pride myself in being an addict, but I'll admit to the fact that I desperately need Jesus. I'd die without Him. He's not a drug, and I am not His slave. But heaven knows I could never choose not to follow Him. Not after meeting Him, not after being found by Him. Not after learning to actually live.I do confess that I need Jesus, and of that I am not ashamed."
"Sometimes we judge others most harshly for the sins we see in ourselves; we think that by revealing that sin in others, we won’t feel so badly about the wretchedness we see in our own hearts. But maybe in learning to love others, we could also learn to love ourselves. Maybe there is this wonderful cycle of love that we are meant to repeat, over and over, until all the world is loved and all the world is forgiven.”
Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged. -- Helen Keller
When we plan the future are we trying to play God or are we trying to play it smart? Where is the line between a lack of trust in God’s plan for us and just being plain irresponsible? I have fears about the future, fears that cause my un-planning mind want to make like a crazy person and plan her whole life to a tee. Is it wrong that I don’t have answers when people ask me what I'm going to do? Is it wrong to be worried that I don’t have answers? My future is an open book, waiting to be written. I have some ideas in my mind; a general theme and a skinny storyline. But the details... they’re not there. But God knows. And I guess eventually I will too.
I'm working on some articles about the porn industry and UFC (completely opposite topics, I know). Both articles will feature notes from both Christian and secular perspectives. Stay tuned!!!
I recently viewed this video and it inspired me to write a blog post about the topic. I’ve been thinking
about religion a lot lately, which is not something I normally do (think about
religion, that is, not just think). But first, I want to say that I don't agree with everything in this video. I don't think Jesus was against religion, religion is a framework within which we can better understand God and through which we can serve Him. Granted, we have distorted and perverted it many times. But Jesus was against false religion, empty traditions and meaningless rituals, not religion in general. Or at least that is my understanding. Feel free to correct me if you think I am wrong, I am open to discussion. Anyway, this post elaborates on what I really think the heart of the matter is when it comes to religion, check it out.
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At the first young adults Bible study at my church I called
out a fellow believer who said that lying was wrong. “Is lying really wrong?” I
asked. “Does the Bible say that?” He answered by telling me that it was one of
the 10 commandments and I quickly refuted that the 10 commandments spoke specifically
about giving false witness about another person, but not generally about lying.
He then looked at me a bit funny. Like I had suddenly turned green and morphed
into an ogre-like personage. “Of course lying is wrong!” he said.
We ended up getting into a discussion about why lying was
wrong, and I gave him a few examples of where lying had actually turned out to
be beneficial in the Bible. Rahab hid the spies in Joshua 2 and was blessed by
God by the preservation of her life, Shiphrah and Puah were midwives in Egypt
who lied to protect the Hebrew babies and God blessed them because of this.
My friend agreed with these examples but said that they were
extenuating circumstances. He then managed to find a few verses to display that
the Bible does explicitly say that lying is wrong.
Now, before you jump to conclusions and categorize me as
another one of those liberal new-ageist Christians who try and disprove age-old
theology, hear me out.
My point in this argument was not to prove that lying was
okay. The Bible is clear about lying and that Jesus desires us to be people of
truth (check out Matthew 5:33-37, Psalm 31:18, Proverbs 30:8, Colossians 3:9,
etc). But rather, my point was that God cares more about where your heart is
and WHY you are lying (if you happen to be in a situation where you might need
to lie) than about the lying itself. Maybe I’m way off base here, but I think
that God cares more about your heart than He does about you making sure that
you follow every single solitary rule. This is why Jesus was so aggressive in
His words against the Pharisees and the religious leaders of His day. They were
so obsessed with getting every detail and action down pat that they forgot
about God altogether.
Again, my whole point here is not to say that lying is okay, or
that we should not be attentive about our words and seek to be speakers of
truth. But rather that if we only focus on lying, instead of focusing on the
heart behind the lie, we will only be washing the outside of the bowl while the
inside remains dirty. If we become obsessed with rules and regulations we may
end up missing Jesus entirely. And that’s why Jesus hates empty religion. He doesn’t
hate the Church, he doesn’t hate the Law. He loves the Church, He came to BUILD
His Church. He loves the Law, He came to FULFILL the Law. He hates
mindlessness. He hates emptiness. He hates meaningless tradition. He hates our
pride and the fact that we think we can earn our salvation by following rules.
He loves us and He loves GRACE.
So where does this leave us? Well, first with the
realization that if we desire to follow Jesus then we need to get to the heart
of things. We need to first allow God to get our hearts to the right place.
Jesus was kind to the Samaritan woman who was ‘friendly’ because she had a soft
heart. Jesus was harsh towards the religious Pharisees because their hearts
were hardened. Your heart is what matters to God. If you can’t follow all the
rules even though you love God and are trying so hard to get in line with
Him... well, welcome to humanity, my friend. Yes, Jesus says that if we love
Him we will obey His commands. But he says IF we LOVE Him. All our commandment adherence
means nothing if our hearts aren’t in it.
Once you partner with God to get your heart there I can
almost guarantee you that you won’t have to focus on all the rules anymore, because
your heart will continually be refined and you will continually want to choose
what is right and true and good. That is the beauty of it. Focus on the heart
and your actions will follow. Focus on only your actions and... who knows you
could end up a modern day Pharisee.
So stop stressing about the rules. If you want to be
sanctified tell God that and then show Him by making an effort to get to know
Him more (spend time in prayer, reading your Bible and doing His work). Then
let Him work in you. Trust me, this will take time. But you’ll get there and
one day you might realize that, hey, I don’t’ struggle with lying as much
anymore. Or hey, I stopped watching porn. AWESOME! God’s work is supernatural,
it’s like magic, it’s crazy the things He can do when we let Him into our
hearts and ask Him so change it.
Jesus’ yoke is easy and His burden is light. We don’t have
to do it all on our own. We don’t have to be legalistic and anal and rigid. We
are called to freedom. That is what is so beautiful about the Gospel message. So
go, friends, go and un-harden your hearts and be free in Christ Jesus.
I don't want a good man searching for a mate.
I don't want a good man searching for love.
I don't want a good man searching for a good woman.
There is sadness in our lives; tragedy. I think I have seen my
family cry more tears in the past 3 months than I have ever seen them cry in
all the months before. I have often felt like Job. Like Satan is just waiting
for me to crack, to curse God and be done with it all. But I refuse, and so
does my family. Instead, I, in one of the most difficult times of my life, have
found myself being more thankful than I ever remember being before. I am thankful
for each day, for each moment with family, for each breath; thankful for warmth
and good friends, thankful that I have a God who is the God of all comfort and thankful
that He blesses those who mourn.
I don’t know how my heart got to this point. It wasn’t me. I
didn’t do it. And yet here I am, at peace; thankful. It has to be God’s doing,
because I know that my normal inclination in difficult times isn’t to sing
praises to God or thank Him for all that He has given me. This optimism; this thankfulness;
this humility has come from a power that is outside me. And maybe that’s what
makes it so wonderful. Maybe the fact that I know it is not my own doing is
what makes it so utterly easy. I think that is what Jesus is talking about when
He says, “Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you rest.” He’s
saying, “Stop trying, stop trying to pull the weight on your own. Instead take
my yoke, which is easy, and my burden, which is light, and just let Me carry
you’. I don’t I ever really understood what Jesus was talking about in that
passage until this moment. I almost thought that maybe that passage was
interpreted wrong, or maybe I didn’t have enough wisdom to understand it,
because being a Christian had never seemed easy to me. But that’s because this
whole time I had been trying to do it all on my own. I have a habit of that, of
not delegating and taking advantage of the wonderful help that people offer me.
Maybe it’s a humility issue, I don’t know, but I just always felt like I was
putting someone out, like asking for help so often meant that they would get
sick of me and just... not be around anymore.
But God’s not like that, and honestly I don’t think most people
are like that either, at least your friends shouldn't be like that. We need to
believe that every heart has the capacity for compassion, otherwise we’ll be
stuck in pits of despair trying to deal with everything on our own instead of
sharing our burdens with one another like Paul instructs us to in Galatians 6.
And we need to believe that Jesus was telling the truth when He said that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. We need to believe that He wants to walk with us and to carry us in times of despair. We need to be willing to be real, raw, and vulnerable with one another. We need to believe that old Footprints poem. ____________________________________________________________
Footprints in the Sand
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”
your melody comes my way.
