Really: what do we know?
One thing is for sure, I don't know much.
8 months ago I made a (hard) decision to take a break from the dating world and focus on learning to love myself and God more. A whole year without dating. At first it didn't seem like the hardest thing; it's not like I dated much in the fisrt place.
But what I didn't realize in the moment when I made the decision not to date for a year was that things wouldn't instantly be perfect just because I decided to cut something out of my life for a little while. I had this idea that moving away from dating would be moving away from heartache. And yet, heartache still follows me. But these past 8 months have been interesting. I have struggled with the whole "no dating" thing. Opportunities have presented themselves, people have come into my life that I had a hard time saying no to, I've screwed up one too many times. But today I realized something about the past 8 months. The whole time I had been expecting that as soon as I took my focus off guys, I would instantly focus on God. Boy, was I wrong.
But I think I'm okay with that. Becasue though the past 8 months have been a real test of my love for God, they have also been a learning experience. Loving God is not too different from loving a person on earth. Both relationships take work, patience, love, and a whole lot of forgiveness. I guess I had started to view God more of a god, than as an actual person. Just because I made a commitment to stop dating and instead focus on learning to love myself and love God, doesn't mean that's what's going to happen, at least not right away. Learning to love God and like the person that He made me is going to take a long time. But I'm getting there.
Today is Ash Wednesday and marks the start of the season of Lent. It doesn't really matter what I'm giving up, just as long as I'm doing it for God, not for anything else.
What do I know? As these next 40 days of Lent, and 4 months of singleness, go on I'm sure to learn, to grow, to change. Heck, who knows? Maybe I'll even stay the same, but I doubt it.
One thing I DO know? God's going to be with my through it all. Doesn't matter what I used to think, what I used to believe. I'm going to make it this time.
That's what I know...
"What Do We Know?" -Thousand Foot Krutch
Pick up the phone, nobody's home, I’m all alone. We've all been here before. Yesterday, I saw a change, another way, as you walked out the door. It’s a twist, a little bit, I’ll admit.
But we're stronger than before. Open up, we've had enough, we've had enough, now we're holdin' on and waiting...
What do we know? What do we know? What do we know? What do we know? What do we know? What do we know? I'll tell you what they're all sayin'
We all try to be somebody but the world around us makes it so cloudy when we all trust where we're supposed to. But the blood on their hands says we're not close to the answer yet. But maybe if we pulled together, we could change a million lives for the better. And maybe, if we prayed a little more, we would stop living in fear from the storm. And everyone sings....
What do we know?
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2.06.2008
2.04.2008
time flies and lullabys
Wow it's been awhile...
It's almost crazy to think about how much time has gone by
My writing has been seriously lacking lately. Both in this blog and in my private stash of words and sentances. Time just seems to slip away, either that or I've found something better to do... haha yea right. Honestly, I write a lot still, but instead of posting it on my blog or writing it in my journal it seems to stay locked and hidden away in a Microsoft Word document, waiting for me to open a folder and remember all those words i had once written.
Looking back on things I've written is taking a trip down memory street to the max. Not only do I get to remember what I was doing, but I get to remember exactly how I was feeling, not always the best thing in the world.
Anyways... This post is pretty much dedicated to Jodi, who said that she missed my blog posts just as much as I did. Jodi's always been my # 1 writing fan, sometimes I wonder why becasue really, my writing can get quite depressing at times. But who knows, maybe it's jsut what people need at times...
I've been meaning to write, but I just never find the time to open up my web browser and get the job done.
So here is Jodi: this post is my procrastination from writing my RS essay and my dive back into the writing world... Hope you enjoy!!!
____________________________________________________
Time flies and lullabys
maybe my sheer honesty will shut you up and make you think
that's quite enough for me
but I guess you always complained too frequently
blue eyes and love-induced cries
today it's like we're almost on the brink
never though i'd be okay being me
but we love to sit and talk constantly
truth lied and simple rhymes
you always ask me why our insides are pink
my answers good for me
But you love to be so confusing
...paragraphs respond with sentances and words with noise
when time flies and lullabys
It's almost crazy to think about how much time has gone by
My writing has been seriously lacking lately. Both in this blog and in my private stash of words and sentances. Time just seems to slip away, either that or I've found something better to do... haha yea right. Honestly, I write a lot still, but instead of posting it on my blog or writing it in my journal it seems to stay locked and hidden away in a Microsoft Word document, waiting for me to open a folder and remember all those words i had once written.
Looking back on things I've written is taking a trip down memory street to the max. Not only do I get to remember what I was doing, but I get to remember exactly how I was feeling, not always the best thing in the world.
Anyways... This post is pretty much dedicated to Jodi, who said that she missed my blog posts just as much as I did. Jodi's always been my # 1 writing fan, sometimes I wonder why becasue really, my writing can get quite depressing at times. But who knows, maybe it's jsut what people need at times...
I've been meaning to write, but I just never find the time to open up my web browser and get the job done.
So here is Jodi: this post is my procrastination from writing my RS essay and my dive back into the writing world... Hope you enjoy!!!
____________________________________________________
Time flies and lullabys
maybe my sheer honesty will shut you up and make you think
that's quite enough for me
but I guess you always complained too frequently
blue eyes and love-induced cries
today it's like we're almost on the brink
never though i'd be okay being me
but we love to sit and talk constantly
truth lied and simple rhymes
you always ask me why our insides are pink
my answers good for me
But you love to be so confusing
...paragraphs respond with sentances and words with noise
when time flies and lullabys
11.14.2007
really...
I wasn't quite sure how to start this post.
It seems like this year is the subject of friendship keeps coming up.
I've been learning so many things, and it's interesting, the most important things I've learnt are things that I've learnt in church, and yet have been told by non-Christians.
I won't go into details. If you want the stories behind these lessons you can ask me, cuz they're pretty cool. But if you're going to listen to anything I say in these blogs, take these two peices of advice into consideration.
Monday night at the Embassy the topic of Friendship came up again and reinforced my idea of what a real friend is:
1) Someone who understands. You don't call? It's okay, You're busy, I'll work around that. You screwed up, I'll forgive you. You're tired and irritable? It's okay, we've all been there. It's not about trying to constantly figure someone out, but about understanding where they come from (even if you really don't) and being there for them.
2) Someone who loves. Phileo love. You choose to love your friends regardless of who they are, or who they have been. When they screw up, you forgive them. When they forget things, you remind them. When they fail, you help them do better. You conscously choose to let them little things becasue, in the bigger scheme of things, your friendship is more important.
At the Embassy Dom said that these days few people appreciate real friendship becasue few experience. I guess I'm lucky to be someone who has.
But he also said that friendship isn't about what you can get out of a relationship. It's about giving something. You aren't friends with someone because they can do something for you. You're friends with them becasue you want to do something for them. Friendship is a gift, but it's not one that you should expect to get, only one that you unconditionally should expect yourself to give. That's why it's one of the four loves. It's not about you. It's about your friends. Be friends with them for them, because you love them and want the best for them, be real.
-kait
It seems like this year is the subject of friendship keeps coming up.
I've been learning so many things, and it's interesting, the most important things I've learnt are things that I've learnt in church, and yet have been told by non-Christians.
I won't go into details. If you want the stories behind these lessons you can ask me, cuz they're pretty cool. But if you're going to listen to anything I say in these blogs, take these two peices of advice into consideration.
Monday night at the Embassy the topic of Friendship came up again and reinforced my idea of what a real friend is:
1) Someone who understands. You don't call? It's okay, You're busy, I'll work around that. You screwed up, I'll forgive you. You're tired and irritable? It's okay, we've all been there. It's not about trying to constantly figure someone out, but about understanding where they come from (even if you really don't) and being there for them.
2) Someone who loves. Phileo love. You choose to love your friends regardless of who they are, or who they have been. When they screw up, you forgive them. When they forget things, you remind them. When they fail, you help them do better. You conscously choose to let them little things becasue, in the bigger scheme of things, your friendship is more important.
At the Embassy Dom said that these days few people appreciate real friendship becasue few experience. I guess I'm lucky to be someone who has.
But he also said that friendship isn't about what you can get out of a relationship. It's about giving something. You aren't friends with someone because they can do something for you. You're friends with them becasue you want to do something for them. Friendship is a gift, but it's not one that you should expect to get, only one that you unconditionally should expect yourself to give. That's why it's one of the four loves. It's not about you. It's about your friends. Be friends with them for them, because you love them and want the best for them, be real.
-kait
9.05.2007
nothing will ever change
that night in the air
i was assured of that fact
we may grow
we may live differently
but one thing will always remain
as spring brings growth
and the flowers in the meadows
they all come alive
even so winter soon follows
and as ice freezes over
so does my heart
i'm someone different from what I've been
either that or I have forgotten
what i once was
it's not to see your face
it's not to hear your voice
but to know you'll never understand
i am too much the same
and yet too different
distracted by details unintended
the tension grows
as we seem to become like children
not growing up, only getting younger
but maybe that's okay
the way it's supposed to be
hundreds of millions of puzzle pieces
waiting to be put together
back into that picture again
that night in the air
i was assured of that fact
we may grow
we may live differently
but one thing will always remain
as spring brings growth
and the flowers in the meadows
they all come alive
even so winter soon follows
and as ice freezes over
so does my heart
i'm someone different from what I've been
either that or I have forgotten
what i once was
it's not to see your face
it's not to hear your voice
but to know you'll never understand
i am too much the same
and yet too different
distracted by details unintended
the tension grows
as we seem to become like children
not growing up, only getting younger
but maybe that's okay
the way it's supposed to be
hundreds of millions of puzzle pieces
waiting to be put together
back into that picture again
8.21.2007
love discovery
Some say they found God in the early morning sunrise. Some, in the quietness of the afternoon. Some in the stillness of the night. Some say they found God in healing and still others in hurt.
But me, I found God in the most unexpected of places; on a dark riverside bench in the city of New Orleans, Luisiana.
His name was Alexander. A man that I probably would have walked right past. Casually dropping a dollar in front of him but refusing to look him in the eye.
But he called out to me. "Let me play you girls a song..."
As we stood and listened to Alexander talk a few thoughts crossed my mind. But the thing that hit me the hardest was this."You gotta love eachother. I wish I could love God as much as he loves me. I want to learn to love Him like that..."
Alexander was a Hurricane Katrina survivor with a family to provide for. And there he sat, on a dark riverside park bench playing his trumpet into the night and still talking to us about God.
It reminded me of tiems in my life when I was feeling in the gutter. God why aren't you providing the money I need for school? God why does this person continually hurt me? God why do you always give me things only to take them away?
My life as it had been was still intact, but I still insisted on doubting, getting angry at and even blaming God for my 'troubles'.
As we left Alexander that night I tried to control myself, but I couldn't. Tears just came and I couldn't even fully explain why. I mean there was a man who seemed to have lost almost everything and yet he was loving God like it was the only thing keeping him alive.
What if I lived like that? but more so, what if I loved like that?
I wish I could say that my time in New Orleans was a time of complete revelation that changed my life. But I can't, and to be perfectly honest, I'm sort of glad because that's not why I went down there.
But I can say that being in New Orleans gave me a new perspective on what love really is. Love isn't serving, or speaking, or bilding floor systems or putting up ceiling tiles. Those actions are merely a reflection of love, they are not love itself. Anyone can do those things. But for me, loving God meant really loving Him. It meant doing things for him and finding joy in that. It meant filling that space in God's heart that only I could fill.
Alexander is a man who many people would have looked at and labeled 'crazy' or 'homeless' or 'needy', but that night on the riverside I looked into his dark eyes and saw the face fo Jesus. And do you know what he said? Love me.
The greatest commandment isn't that we are supposed to feed the poor. It isn't that we are supposed to build homes for those who don't have one or to go to the places in which we are needed most. The greatest commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Only after you do that can you "love your neighbour as yourself."
Your love for people should flow out of your love for God, not the other way around.
When you love God first that love will manifest itself in your life so that everything you do will be full and complete in that love.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:11,12
Only after realizing what it means to truly love God can we ever discover how to love others the way we were created to.
I found God in the most unexpected of places. In the face of a rejected man playing his trumpet in a dark walkway. Or maybe I didn't find God at all. Maybe, in fact, it was he who found me.
I went to New Orleans to give something of myself, but instead I ended up receiving a part had lost. By learning what it really meant to love God, I learnt not only how to better love others, but also how to truly love myself.
I left a piece of my heart in New Orleans, but I also took with me a part of myself I rediscovered.
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:1-4
But me, I found God in the most unexpected of places; on a dark riverside bench in the city of New Orleans, Luisiana.
His name was Alexander. A man that I probably would have walked right past. Casually dropping a dollar in front of him but refusing to look him in the eye.
But he called out to me. "Let me play you girls a song..."
As we stood and listened to Alexander talk a few thoughts crossed my mind. But the thing that hit me the hardest was this."You gotta love eachother. I wish I could love God as much as he loves me. I want to learn to love Him like that..."
Alexander was a Hurricane Katrina survivor with a family to provide for. And there he sat, on a dark riverside park bench playing his trumpet into the night and still talking to us about God.
It reminded me of tiems in my life when I was feeling in the gutter. God why aren't you providing the money I need for school? God why does this person continually hurt me? God why do you always give me things only to take them away?
My life as it had been was still intact, but I still insisted on doubting, getting angry at and even blaming God for my 'troubles'.
As we left Alexander that night I tried to control myself, but I couldn't. Tears just came and I couldn't even fully explain why. I mean there was a man who seemed to have lost almost everything and yet he was loving God like it was the only thing keeping him alive.
What if I lived like that? but more so, what if I loved like that?
I wish I could say that my time in New Orleans was a time of complete revelation that changed my life. But I can't, and to be perfectly honest, I'm sort of glad because that's not why I went down there.
But I can say that being in New Orleans gave me a new perspective on what love really is. Love isn't serving, or speaking, or bilding floor systems or putting up ceiling tiles. Those actions are merely a reflection of love, they are not love itself. Anyone can do those things. But for me, loving God meant really loving Him. It meant doing things for him and finding joy in that. It meant filling that space in God's heart that only I could fill.
Alexander is a man who many people would have looked at and labeled 'crazy' or 'homeless' or 'needy', but that night on the riverside I looked into his dark eyes and saw the face fo Jesus. And do you know what he said? Love me.
The greatest commandment isn't that we are supposed to feed the poor. It isn't that we are supposed to build homes for those who don't have one or to go to the places in which we are needed most. The greatest commandment is to "love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." Only after you do that can you "love your neighbour as yourself."
Your love for people should flow out of your love for God, not the other way around.
When you love God first that love will manifest itself in your life so that everything you do will be full and complete in that love.
"I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you." -John 15:11,12
Only after realizing what it means to truly love God can we ever discover how to love others the way we were created to.
I found God in the most unexpected of places. In the face of a rejected man playing his trumpet in a dark walkway. Or maybe I didn't find God at all. Maybe, in fact, it was he who found me.
I went to New Orleans to give something of myself, but instead I ended up receiving a part had lost. By learning what it really meant to love God, I learnt not only how to better love others, but also how to truly love myself.
I left a piece of my heart in New Orleans, but I also took with me a part of myself I rediscovered.
"If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." Philippians 2:1-4
8.16.2007
changing years...
Last night I was hanging out with my friends when one of them said, "I wish you were a year younger... well, that we could rewind this past year and you never would have met certain people and then things could have been the way you wanted them."
And at first I agreed, I mean things would have been a heck of a lot easier if certain things hadn't happened. I could have been "happier."
But I woke up this morning and as my friend's words came back to me I began to reject what she had said. It was my birthday on Sunday. 19, I can hardly believe it. But though 18 was a hard year for me, it was also one of the best and I wouldn't trade any of it, the heartache, the pain, the smiles, the laughter, nothing. Maybe if things had turned out differently I could have what I want, but at the same time, I like my life how it is. Everything that happened has it's purpose and it's place, not one moment was a waste. I learned a lot, especially when it came to matters of the heart like friendship, love, and forgiveness.
I fell in love this year. And I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gone through the things I did. I don't think I would have the relationship that I have with God right now if it weren't for those hard times when it seemed like he was all I had. Strength is built in weakness, love built in war.
In one of the cards I recieved a close friend of mine wrote, "18 was good. But 19 will be great..."
I hope she's right.
This year is full of new begginings. New home, new school, new friends, new opportunities. A ton of new experiences. I hope everything changes. I hope that I learn to love and appreciate my family and friends more, I hope I discover things I have never known, I hope that things don't stay the same because on this earth nothing is perfect, so that means that things can only get better. They could get worse, but that only means that eventually they will have to get better.
I'm finally choosing to look at the better side of life. Instead of wishing that last year had been different (and don't get me wrong my friend had the BEST of intentions in saying that. She wanted me to be happy... and I am) I choose to see how great it really was. Maybe things that happened then are hindering me now, but that's the way they are supposed to be and that only means that there is something much greater out there waiting for me. Waiting for me to find it and embrace it and call it my own. Maybe I would have been stronger had I not been hurt, maybe I would have been a better Christian had I not screwed up those times, maybe I would still have certain friendships. But maybe, what I have now is better. God has the ultimate plan for me and that plan is perfect. So no matter what I go through, no matter the weight life puts on my, I know in the end it will all be worth it, because when I reach my everlasting I will be the happiest girl on earth, and in heaven.
Amen.
And at first I agreed, I mean things would have been a heck of a lot easier if certain things hadn't happened. I could have been "happier."
But I woke up this morning and as my friend's words came back to me I began to reject what she had said. It was my birthday on Sunday. 19, I can hardly believe it. But though 18 was a hard year for me, it was also one of the best and I wouldn't trade any of it, the heartache, the pain, the smiles, the laughter, nothing. Maybe if things had turned out differently I could have what I want, but at the same time, I like my life how it is. Everything that happened has it's purpose and it's place, not one moment was a waste. I learned a lot, especially when it came to matters of the heart like friendship, love, and forgiveness.
I fell in love this year. And I don't think that would have happened if I hadn't gone through the things I did. I don't think I would have the relationship that I have with God right now if it weren't for those hard times when it seemed like he was all I had. Strength is built in weakness, love built in war.
In one of the cards I recieved a close friend of mine wrote, "18 was good. But 19 will be great..."
I hope she's right.
This year is full of new begginings. New home, new school, new friends, new opportunities. A ton of new experiences. I hope everything changes. I hope that I learn to love and appreciate my family and friends more, I hope I discover things I have never known, I hope that things don't stay the same because on this earth nothing is perfect, so that means that things can only get better. They could get worse, but that only means that eventually they will have to get better.
I'm finally choosing to look at the better side of life. Instead of wishing that last year had been different (and don't get me wrong my friend had the BEST of intentions in saying that. She wanted me to be happy... and I am) I choose to see how great it really was. Maybe things that happened then are hindering me now, but that's the way they are supposed to be and that only means that there is something much greater out there waiting for me. Waiting for me to find it and embrace it and call it my own. Maybe I would have been stronger had I not been hurt, maybe I would have been a better Christian had I not screwed up those times, maybe I would still have certain friendships. But maybe, what I have now is better. God has the ultimate plan for me and that plan is perfect. So no matter what I go through, no matter the weight life puts on my, I know in the end it will all be worth it, because when I reach my everlasting I will be the happiest girl on earth, and in heaven.
Amen.
8.03.2007
Pre-New Orleans
approximately 2 hours and 20 minutes until I leave for New Orleans.
God has been so faithful this week. Against all odds he has provided me with courage and confidence. He has provided for my finacial needs, my emotional needs, everything. I have been blessed far more than I deserve, starting with the amazing family I have. My biological family and also my spiritual one. You are all the most supportive and amazing people. I could never ask for a better family.
I think New Orleans is going to be a much needed experience for me. It is going to be hard, hot, and physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. So if you are reading this post, please pray for me. Pray that I will have humilty and patience.
Pray for the team going down- there are 13 of us in total. And the people that are driving us to Buffalo and back. Pray that everyone will be safe and that we will be able to build relationships with oneanother and help eachother grow in Christ.
But more than anything pray that this trip will bring God glory and honour and uplift his Kingdom and his name. Pray that we will be able to show God's to the people of New Orleans in the most powerful and enriching way: humble service.
Thank-you to everyone who supported our team and is praying for us. You are such a huge blessing. The home front is equally important as the people actually going down there so thank-you.
God Bless.
God has been so faithful this week. Against all odds he has provided me with courage and confidence. He has provided for my finacial needs, my emotional needs, everything. I have been blessed far more than I deserve, starting with the amazing family I have. My biological family and also my spiritual one. You are all the most supportive and amazing people. I could never ask for a better family.
I think New Orleans is going to be a much needed experience for me. It is going to be hard, hot, and physically, mentally, and emotionally draining. So if you are reading this post, please pray for me. Pray that I will have humilty and patience.
Pray for the team going down- there are 13 of us in total. And the people that are driving us to Buffalo and back. Pray that everyone will be safe and that we will be able to build relationships with oneanother and help eachother grow in Christ.
But more than anything pray that this trip will bring God glory and honour and uplift his Kingdom and his name. Pray that we will be able to show God's to the people of New Orleans in the most powerful and enriching way: humble service.
Thank-you to everyone who supported our team and is praying for us. You are such a huge blessing. The home front is equally important as the people actually going down there so thank-you.
God Bless.
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