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12.28.2010

humility pt.1

Good communicators are often said to be those who have become Masters of the Metaphor. I'm not sure if really that type of writer, but hey, maybe I should start trying?

One metaphor I do have, is for humility. Humility is, essentially, self-control. When we are tempted, we must exercise self-control in order to overcome that which is tempting us. We must say no to that extra big slice of fat-ridden chocolate cake, and ask for the smaller slice instead; we must hold our tongue instead of lashing out when someone threatens us with their words. Humility is holding back a part of ourselves; a part that is often much easier to let loose.

Humility can often feel like unfinished business. I once got in an argument with one of my friends because I felt that she hadn't been making an effort in our friendship. I called her out on it, and she replied with the argument that I hadn't made much of an effort either, and that I had acted somewhat hostile to her as of late. This response peeved me, but I decided to let it go. I accepted what she said (even though I definitely didn't agree with it), took my share of the blame (even though I thought she deserved a greater portion of it), and decided to let the argument go for the sake of preserving the friendship. It ended up being a wise decision, but it left me feeling like she and I had much unfinished business. However, as I mulled over the situation a bit more, I began to realize that, if I was being humble and realistic, the lack of communication in our friendship probably was more of my fault than it was hers. It just took me a little while to realize this.

When we feel pride, we let our defensiveness get in the way. Defensiveness builds walls, and not good ones. Instead of protecting ourselves, we end up shutting people out and often making situations worse. So, though humility may often seem unsettling and may leave us feeling a little off balance, at least we can leave knowing that we didn't destroy everything. We demonstrated self-control and chose to work for the overall good of the situation, then just for the satisfaction of keeping our pride intact. It's interesting how conflicts with others can leave us in a conflict with ourselves.

I don't really have any conclusions about this... yet. HAHA. God is teaching me a lot about forgiveness these days, and with forgiveness comes humility. I doubt that God will ever be finished with me in this area, as I can be quite prideful and stubborn most of the time. But I am interested to see how certain situations in my life pan out with this new knowledge of what it means to be humble. The most interesting part will be seeing how trying to be humble with affect my relationships with others over the coming weeks and months. I'll be sure to keep you posted.

For now, hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas and is looking to a New Year with fresh starts. A post about my New Years Resolutions coming soon! :)

peace through love, Kait

photo via (we heart it)

12.18.2010

i heart books

So I just picked up about 10 books from the local library.
Three of them are cookbooks, but hey, 7 books of pure non-academic related literature is pretty good! I plan on reading them all in the next 2 weeks. That's right, 7 books finished by January 1st. Life is beautiful.

Don't believe I can do it? Just watch me!

Facebook and TV are overrated; literature warms my heart so much better, especially when coupled with a good cup of tea! I'm starting my New Years Resolutions early this year, goodbye highly non-beneficial activities, helllooooo books!!!! =)

12.08.2010

this season always makes me feel a little sentimental.

I pretend that I'm stronger; I pretend I don't care,

but inside I'm really wondering,

where are you?

and when are you coming to find me?

photo via (we heart it)

11.28.2010

Ode to Procrastination

Oh the woes of a procrastinating student.

I found this photograph to be quite comical, as I was browsing through Tumblr whilst procrastinating from writing the first of my three 20 page essays due this term.

The thing is, sometimes I really wish I was not a procrastinator when it came to school work; maybe I would get more done. But I feel as though getting what others call "down to business," would actually in fact hinder my creative talents. I am passionate about my program and the work that it requires me to do, and therefore, need my creative juices to be flowing in order to write my papers. the fact that they are research papers might also have something to do with that; maybe all the facts and figures and statistics just drain me and so every hour or so I need a little recharge from my friends at (we heart it). (This is not taking into consideration the fact that the Study Skills workshop tells me that every student should take a creak from studying every 50 minutes in order to stay focused and take in information well.) Whatever the reason, it is time for me to stop procrastinating, and to write my paper. But this is my Ode to Procrastination, because though we often think it as useless and wasteful, I have come to appreciate those moments (especially during exam time) when I can come up for air and breathe for a while. Here's to you procrastination, cheers.

photo via (we heart it)

11.17.2010

peace on earth

I was outside today, smelling the crisp evergreen trees whilst walking home from my Spanish lab. I was listening to the song, "Can't Go Back Now" by the Weepies (which I highly recommend you listen to while reading this post), and the smell of the evergreens got me thinking about the Christmas. Sometimes I wish that the Christmas feeling could stay inside of me all year round. You know, that feeling you get that spreads warmth throughout your entire body; it's the feeling that things are all right in the world; the feeling that makes you want to smile at strangers and hold doors open for them and just be a heck of a nice person to everyone.

But I guess I know that that feeling won't last forever, and it doesn't. Sometimes I wish that the world would stop being so foolish and that everyone would just get along. I wish that we would stop hurting and neglecting one another. I wish that our own needs and desires wouldn't get in the way of other people achieving theirs too. But whenever I think that way, I also admit to myself that if the world was like this, then there would be no point in me being here. My role as a peace maker would be shot because the world wouldn't need peace, instead it would already be well acquainted with it. Besides, I cannot wish of the world something that I often find difficult to do myself.

And so, just as soon as this Christmas feeling hit me, so did this reality. But with this reality did not come despair, as the state of the world isn't something to be pessimistic about. Instead, it is merely the foundation for courage. The world may seem asunder, but if we stretch ourselves, we can see the opportunities for wholeness.

Let me tell you now, peace is not the natural state of things, at least not since human beings and sin entered the picture .Maybe this is why peace is s frightening to us; because it is an unknown concept that we know will require much of us; possibly one that will bleed us dry. Peace requires us to be vulnerable, not something that many of us aim to become. To many, violence seems like the stronger answer. But really, it isn't. To listen to your instincts and defend yourselves, or to take advantage of others in such an impersonal way, that is not strength. Guns and bullets and tanks aren't strength, they are a weak mans mask, covering up with metal what he lacks in spirituality and character. Peace requires so much more of a person. It cannot be bought and sold; it is not present in the population of an army or the force of your fist. Instead it is present in the strength and depth of your heart; in the resilience of your character.

Peace requires humility, forgiveness, vulnerability, accountability and a commitment to working towards something bigger than just the situation we find ourselves in. Violence and war often require none of these things. It takes a strong person to lay down their arms and instead to humbly offer an alternative other than death to their enemy.

I wish more people would realize this: that making peace is harder than holding a grudge, shaking hands in harder than bombing, embracing is harder than exchanging the force of a fist. But if you want to be strong, these things are necessary; they are so much more sustainable and usually end up with everyone being better off. Isn't anything better than the void of nothingness that violence brings? I have to believe that it is. Otherwise, I know that I too would fall into the vicious cycle of violence that so many find themselves in.

If you're reading this, bring a little Christmas spirit to the world this year. Not in the form of decorations or sugar cookies or vanilla-sugar scented candles; not in the form of gift giving or sweetly sung carols. Instead, take a step back from the violence. Don't argue just for the sake of arguing, let go of that grudge, avoid snapping at that terrible driver on University Ave. These things are futile and get us nowhere. Instead do your roommates dishes, forgive the person that hurt you, breathe in and out slow; bring a little peace this Christmas.

photo via (we heart it)

11.14.2010

redemption

I have fought with myself for a long time. Battling the tensions between who I am and who I want to be. Trapped inside the mess of knowing who I have been, and the things I have done, and the fear of being stuck inside the cage my mistakes had built me.

But if there is one thing that God is capable of, it is creating. He is the Master Creator, and if He can create this Earth and raise Jesus from the dead, then He is totally capable of giving me a new life.

But when God gives you a new life, it isn't like the life that you wished you'd had. You know, the life you dream of when you dream of running away from everything and everyone you've ever known; when you think that you can start over and no one in this new place will know who you used to be.

No, God doesn't take those people away; the people that have judged you. And He doesn't make you forget the person that you've been. But he does give you redemption; He gives you the power to change and to show all those naysayers how you've changed. He enables you to remember who you have been, but to not feel burdened by that weight anymore. Instead, he lifts you up, above who you used to be, and let's you remember the past so that you can move successfully into the future.

I remember the past. I remember times when I could spend an entire day locked in my room watching sad movies, eating ice cream and feeling sorry for myself. But now, I get up every morning. I put myself out there over and over and over again, even though sometimes, I don't feel like facing the world.

I do this because God is the Redeemer, and He has redeemed me from my past; He has invigorated me with His strength and His purpose. This isn't just about me anymore. This is about something so much bigger than me; so much bigger than I can imagine.

Today, I was feeling weak, and I asked God why he hadn't given me any of His strength; why He hadn't helped me to get anywhere nearer to my goal. And then, there it was, His strength inside of me, just like that. I don't think God grants us answers when we challenge Him very often. Mostly I think this is because He wants us to trust Him. But today, I think He knew that the best way to get me to trust Him was by proving me wrong.

It's crazy, really - the ways that God has answered my prayers lately. I think it has something to do with me trusting Him, and being willing to be vulnerable; being willing to give Him control. When you let Him do His thing, He does it, and I can guarantee that you will be just as amazed and thankful as I am. I'm still not very good at it, but I am learning, and I encourage you to do the same. Handing over the controls is scary, but it is also liberating, and it made me feel more secure and more confident in God than I have ever been.

I hope that you will get to see the same redemptive power displayed in your own life. But more than that, I hope that you won't get to the point of blaming God, but instead seeking His strength first, even when things get hard and you feel alone. You have the chance for redemption, but first you're going to have to surrender - that's the hard part.

photo via (we heart it)

10.26.2010

the weight of a word

The other day I was talking to a friend about my blog and I told her that I was going to turn down the God-talk and write posts about things that were applicable to a larger audience. I had decided to do this after expressing my frustration at the fact that it is hard for Christian writers to get a large reader base because what they write about is interesting (or relevant) to fewer people, whereas secular writing is interesting and relevant to almost everyone (as long as it is good).

But, I'm going to be honest with you; I don't think that's going to happen. Sorry, I know you were excited for me to finally stop talking about God.

I write about God and faith so often because it is what I am always thinking about. It's what I'm passionate about; what drives my life. So to try and be something else and talk about trivial things that don't matter to me - well that would be a huge disservice to myself as a writer (not that I'm a real writer or anything, haha). People listen when you talk about things that you are passionate about, and to be honest I write best when I talk about things that make me feel something more than just slightly warm fuzzy or bit of irritation.

So, my friends, be prepared to read about religion, and God, and faith, and all of the things in between. Because that is who I am, and that is what I will write about. I don't care if it's not popular or if it offends people; it is me and I will not let my desire to be heard trump my desire to speak the truth.

photo via (we heart it)

10.16.2010

Whenever people ask me what my favorite season is, I always tell them that it's the Fall. All of the colors that paint the landscape so beautifully, and the crisp cool air that requires me to wear my two favorite items of clothing: zip-up hoodies and scarves; the celebration of thanksgiving and the sweet smells of pumpkin and warm spices that begin to fill up my kitchen. Fall just brings so many wonderful things.

The truth is, though, that I love every season. There is something about each of them that makes me really happy and gives me a sort of peace. Spring brings new growth and warmer air, summer brings soccer and days and the beach and radiant sunshine, winter brings snowmen and peppermint hot chocolate and Christmas; they all bring me joy somehow. But I think what I like most are the holidays. Spring is amazing because my favorite holiday, Easter, is during it. The whole season brings new life and it reminds me of rebirth and the hope that I have of growth in my own life. Summer brings vacation and the cottage; a time to relax and sift through the past year, figuring things out. I also do most of my writing and reading in this season, so it brings with it time to return to the things that I love. Fall brings Thanksgiving, another one of my favorite holidays because it is usually the first time that I will have seen my family since heading off to school for the year. And I can't lie, pumpkin flavored anything makes my mouth water. And then there is winter, with Christmas and all the joy that it brings. I'm not such a big fan of the whole gift-buying thing, but I am a fan of wood-stove fires and the beautiful lights and spending an entire day with my family while tantalizing smells sift through my nose.

I can't even explain it really, but the holidays always make me feel good. Maybe it's that feel-good apple cinnamon smell, or maybe it's the fact that over the years I have made so many good memories, or maybe it's the feeling that around the holidays people seem to be more warm and inviting and less likely to bicker about useless things.I don't really know, but I love it. I am such a sucker for the holidays, and I always will be.

photo via (we heart it)
What does it take to know a person; I mean really know them? At this point, I’m not sure. How can we really know someone else; what makes their mind tik like a clock or their heart flutter like a butterfly on steroids. How can we ever know someone else? I’m not entirely sure that it’s possible. I mean, I have been me for about 22 years now and I am only just beginning to figure out who I am. How could I possibly expect to know someone else to know me if I hardly even know who I am? But then again, I guess not everyone is like me. Some people know who they are; what they value, what they want to act like, what they want to do with their life. Maybe it’s easier for those people; maybe they are known by a lot of people.

But me, well I’m a bit of a nomad when it comes to identity. I drift here and there; whither and thither and flutter about. Some days I am the sweet girl, others I’m the bitch*. Some days I am an advocate of love, other days the only attitude I have towards love is one of scorn. For someone else to figure me and all of my nuances out would be a great feat.

I think that of all the people I know, of all my friends and family and acquaintances; I think of all of these people about one of them actually knows me really well. Only one of them knows who I am, but I can’t even tell you why. It’s not because this friend knows what my dreams and ambitions are, or because she knows that sometimes I laugh a lot because it’s a better alternative to crying. She just knows me. She can tell when something is wrong, or when I’ve fallen off of the narrow path. She knows what, deep down, I really want out of life, despite my endless frustrated rants on the subject. Sometimes, I think that she knows me better than I know myself. She is very wise, and I thank God almost every day for her friendship.

But how lonely is that? That out of all the people I know only one of them really knows who I am? Sometimes it’s really lonely, but it’s the price that a guarded heart pays. We protect ourselves from others and in return, few people are able to break down the walls that we have built.

I that maybe that is why I like to write so much. Because when I write I feel like part of me is on paper; a raw and public display of the inner workings of my soul. Anne Lamott once said that people write because it makes them feel like they have a place in the world. They are published, in some way shape or form, and therefore they exist to the world. Writing gives us meaning, and a sense that someone out there will read our words, however eloquently written, and know a part of us.

She pretty much hit the bull’s eye there; at least for me. Paper is a friend who knows me well, and he has never judged me. He just takes it all in, and never asks those annoying psychological questions in a reckless attempt to get to the bottom of what I am ‘feeling.’ I can change who I am from one day to the next, but the underlying characteristics of my writing never change. Maybe someday I’ll figure out who exactly it is that I am, but for now I’m almost content with this open fluid concept of me. Alanis Morissette wrote it well:

I hate the world today
You're so good to me I know but I can't change
I tried to tell you but you look at me like maybe
I'm an angel underneath; innocent and sweet
Yesterday I cried; Must've been relief to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you; I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes; Tomorrow I will change
And today won't mean a thing

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

Just when you think, you got me figured out
The season's already changin'
I think it's cool; you do what you do
And don't try to save me

I'm a bitch I'm a lover
I'm a child I'm a mother
I'm a sinner I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
you know you wouldn't want it any other way

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
When your hurt; when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numb; I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way


photo via (we heart it)

*please excuse my use of this particular term in this post. I really couldn't find a better one

10.07.2010

the truth about love

So I changed my background template once again. I like this one. I think I'm going to keep it.

One of the main reasons I changed to this new template from the last one, is because the last one was title "Romance." Oh, Dear mother of Murphy am I sick of hearing about love lately. My belief in romantic love continues to fade as I see more and more of my friends succumb to the ridiculousness that it causes.I understand that many people will find this post offensive, so I want to make it clear now: I don't hate love; I am totally open to falling in love someday. However, someone please smack me across the face it I ever become one of those fools that turns a blind eye to everything else because of love. I will never give up my family or my faith for it. I will never let myself be treated like a sac of crap and choose not to believe the truth because of it. Oh, I know, you're sitting there thinking, "well obviously, that's smart." Well, my friend, if that is smart then there are a lot of stupid people out there. Because everyday women stay with men that beat them, and men stay with women that cheat on them, and women stay with women that won't commit, and men stay with men that are crazy and possessive.


I will not lose sight of the truth because I have been blinded by an emotion. The quote "we hurt the people we love the most" is a famous quote for a reason. Because it's true. Don't assume that just because someone loves you, they won't hurt you. Don't assume that they're definitely going to hurt you either, don't be a cynic. But don't be naive. Lord help me if I ever fall victim to a love that is blind, for the only way to see the truth is to open your eyes.

photo via (we heart it)

9.26.2010

lift those eyes

Growing up we were taught to keep our heads bowed
Eyes closed, not peeking or looking 'round

"Humble yourself," is what they would say
Pray for your soul, repent yourself away

I always dreamed there would be more than this
More than rules and regulations and never-ending guilt

Then one day I turned my face to the Son
and He warmed my face and my guilt was all gone

We need not pay for that which is forgiven
So lift your face to the light, my friends

Pray with your head up, eyes closed or open wide
And lift up those praises; fling them to the sky

Prayer is more than confession or supplication,
It is indeed also the praise of the forgiven

9.15.2010

"Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul."

— William Ernest Henley

9.05.2010

we're all just looking up at the same night sky
making our way, hoping to get by
I hope that what I believe is true
that you're out there, looking for me too

8.21.2010

and all of a sudden it occured to me that maybe I was okay after all...

I think I have finally discovered what I want to do. I finally have found my magnetic north and am heading in the right direction. I told someone tonight what my hopes for the future were, someone that I would not normally have told, and they thought it sounded wonderful. I don't think I'm going to tell anyone else, because I just want to see what happens. Besides, I kind of like the reaction that I get from some people when I tell them that I don't really know what I want to do with my life, that I don't really want to work, or have a job that feels like work. It's comical actually, that other people worry more about my future than I do.

God has been helping me this year. Helping me to get to know myself so that I can know what he has given me that I can offer to the world. Helping me to get over my obsession with money. Helping me to gain confidence in my talents. Helping me to get rid of all the darkness that was (and sometimes still is) inside of me and filling it with His light. He's been pretty wonderful. You should thank Him for that. I know I have.

8.04.2010

banishing the roots of despair

Passion keeps us alive.

I was reminded of this as I watched The Dead Poets Society today.

"We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race and the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for." --John Keating

During our dark points in life it may be hard for us to remember why we keep going. These are the moments when we lack passion. Many of these moments occur due to the perceived absence of love. But in reality, these things are really all around. I have not felt this despair in a long time now because I have come to know a love that never leaves me wanting. A love comprised of poetry and beauty and romance. A love driven by a passion that has its root deep in the soul. It is this love that I am alive for, and it is the only reason I stay that way.

7.29.2010

the rich man part II

For a poor man, Jesus sure talked a lot about money.
Luke 14:33 says, "You cannot become my disciple without giving up everything you own." The King James version states that we must "forsake all" that we have. How is it that we have missed this?

In the gospels Jesus tells the rich man that he must sell all he owns in order to follow him. In Luke chapter 16 Jesus again talks of money and how we must be good stewards of our money. It blows my mind that so many Christians have missed this important message. But have we really missed it? Or have we just chosen to ignore it? I, for one, can humbly confess that more often than not I have chosen to ignore Jesus' message concerning money. I cannot even get by with a well thought of excuse. I keep my money because I have things that I need, and I can only get these things with money. But then, if I gave that money to the poor, could I not trust that God would provide for my needs through some other means? Sure, God has gifted me with a job so that my needs may be provided for, but the test comes with the paycheck. Where does the first portion of my money go? To me, or to God? And where does the greatest proportion of my money go? I'm pretty sure you all know the answer...

I don't think the money issue is merely a matter of trust. Obviously, it is a matter of where our heart is as well. The Bible touches on both of these points, saying that we must trust that God cares for us more than he does the lilies of the field and that he will provide us with food, drink, and clothing. It also says that we are to store up our treasures in heaven, not dwelling on our earthly valuables.

But trust and treasure aren't necessarily at the heart of the money issue. Personally, I think that love is. The whole point of our existence on earth is to first love God, and then to love his people. We cannot do this if we are consumed with money. Issues of trust and treasure merely contribute to the idea of money competing with love. Steinbeck said it well,

"It has always seemed strange to me... the things we admire in men, kindness and generosity, openness, honesty, understanding and feeling, are the concomitants of failure in our system. And those traits we detest, sharpness, greed, acquisitiveness, meanness, egotism and self interest, are the traits of success. And while men admire the quality of the first, they love the produce of the second."

If we are in love with money we cannot be in love with God (Luke 16:13). If we are not willing to part ways with our money so that we might better love God and our neighbors, then maybe we aren't ready to really love God with all of our heart, mind, and strength.

Rich Christians... seems like somewhat of an oxymoron to me.

7.13.2010

"Poverty is indeed the strenuous life, - without brass bands or uniforms or hysteric popular applause or lies or circumlocutions; and when one sees the way in which wealth-getting enters as an ideal into the very bone marrow of our generation, one wonders whether the revival of the belief that poverty is a worthy religious vocation may not be the transformation of military courage, and the spiritual reform which our time stands most in need of.

Among us English-speaking peoples especially do the praises of poverty need once more to be boldly sung. We have grown literally afraid to be poor. We despise anyone who elects to be poor in order to simplify and save his inner life. If he does not join the general scramble, we deem him spiritless and lacking in ambition. We have lost the power even of imagining what the ancient realization of poverty could have meant; the liberation from material attachments, the unbribed soul, the manlier indifference, they paying our way by what we are and not by what we have. the right to fling away our life at any moment irresponsibly, - the more athletic trim, in short, the fighting shape."

- William James

7.12.2010

I write a lot of poetry.
So much that I could probably fit it into five thick books.
So I'm going to.
Well, just one book for now, and probably not so thick.
It won't be on the Chapter's shelves anytime soon.
But when it's finished publishing I'll let you know.
And if you think you might want to read it, you can order a copy.
If you're talented in the area of graphic design or photography and have some time on your hands, I'm looking for a 'partner'. It won't be a paid position or anything, but hopefully it'll be fun.
My heart is excited, it's not often her rhythm and rhyme get heard around town, or that she gets to bear her soul in public (not that she would often like to anyways...)

i've been hit by a train....

You were running too fast for me to catch you.
You were lying too low for me to see.
You were speaking to softly for me to hear you.
Living too lightly for me.

If all at once you lost me, I wonder what you would say. If your heart would feel the losses, or if you'd feel the lifted weight.

I was trying to hard to reach you.
Drowning too quickly to save.
I was thinking all to quickly.
Trying to be brave.

All at once it hit me, I was running myself to the ground. Walking around in circles, wrapping my head around.

But by then you had left me.
Broken the ties that bound.
But my heart is still aching.
For you to come back around.

If all at once it hits you, that this is where you belong. I'll be waiting for you, please come back home.

7.11.2010

hope

Hope has been wandering around in my brain as of late.

I witnessed it in a small alleyway in downtown Toronto, as a beautiful man named Ken told me his tale of how he came to live in the street. I saw hope in his eyes and peacefulness that I have found my own comfortable life to be lacking.

I also watched that hope as it left me. That very same day that I met Ken, I also witnessed thousands of people throw up their hands and worship the gods of sex, pleasure, and alcohol. Quickly, the hope that Ken had given me began to dissipate, as the reality of a powerful darkness overshadowed what small fire Ken had lit in my heart.

But that fire can be lit once again.

Through my journeys in life I have come to know hope as a candle. Though it is a small flame, it has enough brightness to light an entire room. In the midst of darkness, this light can be seen from a long way off, and its fire can spread from one candle to another, with no need for a match. Hope is infectious, and once a candle is lit, other candles follow, and soon whole communities are living in the light.

But this small flame is also easily extinguished; the gentlest wind may snuff it out. Sometimes there is a darkness so thick that it seems such a small light could not overcome it. But there is power in numbers, and every candle that blows out can be lit again.

We all hold this candle of hope within our hearts, and when the candle in our own heart goes out, we merely have to find someone whose fire is still burning, and let them set ours aflame once again.

The tricky part with hope is that you have to seek it out. So really, you can only burn if you want to. If you sit around with your candle out for too long, the darkness will begin to penetrate it, and lighting it again will become a laborious task. But if we seek it out, relighting our candle is easy.

Sometimes we can’t find that other candle. But there is a secret about hope that I will tell you. When you earnestly seek it out the friction with the darkness causes a spark. This spark will relight your candle. If you look for hope you will find it. But if you sit in the dark, despairing at the lack of light around you, you will never find the answers that you are looking for.

Lighting a candle without someone else’s flame is difficult, but it is not impossible. Press onward into the darkness. Create the friction by denying the darkness of its power. Relight the candle. Those who seek shall find.

"Hope begins in the dark... You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.” - Anne Lamott

7.10.2010

simple love

The simple joys in life and the best joys. why is this? Simply because, they are simple.

Some simple loves of my summer:
* used books stores
* reggae Music
* libraries
* sunshine
* old friends

More to write later, right now I have to go to Bible Study!!!

6.23.2010

the rich man

I've been wrestling with myself lately. This summer I have decided to actually become someone that follows Christ. I don't want to be just another church-goer anymore; instead I want to be someone that really is Jesus light to the world. But I have come to realize that being a true follower is harder than I ever could have thought.

I have been wrestling with what it might look like to become a true follower. One of my best friends has been a great example to me of what this might look like. She lives in Waterloo and she and those she lives with decided to begin to live like the community in the book of Acts; a real community. They share everything, from food to money to clothes. None of them have jobs and yet somehow they manage to offer and prayer and worship breakfast every morning. They feed their community of friends breakfast every morning even though they have no incomes with which to pay for this. Somehow, the funds just come in. They also bless groups in their community by making them occasional meals. I find it hard to devote the first 10% of my income to God and here is a community that gives more than 100% of their income to God (considering they have no income, this is a pretty big deal). Wow. I can't even believe that this type of community actually exists within my own group of friends. It amazes me every time I think about it*.

Shane Claiborne of The Simple Way (www.thesimpleway.org) has also been challenging me. Not personally, but through his book The Irresistible Revolution. He has challenged me to think seriously about my life and how I live it. What does it actually mean to be a follower of Christ? To love those Christ loved, to live like Christ lived, and to follow His commands. One command I have especially been wrestling with is when in the gospels Jesus tells the rich man to sell all he has and give it to the poor, for then he will have treasure in heaven**. Jesus says that it will be difficult for the rich to enter the Kingdom of God, more difficult than it is for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle. I don’t know about you, but I think that the likelihood of a camel passing through the eye of a needle is not so likely; the odds really aren’t looking good for the camel. So, basically Jesus is saying that this is impossible. But the Bible also says that nothing is impossible with God. And so I am wrestling with what it means to be a wealthy Christian, and how I can be a better steward of my money. Part of this is the conviction that maybe I too, like the rich man in that story, need to sell my things and give the money to the poor. So I have been thinking about this... a lot... and I think the time has come for me to have a garage sale.


*Side note here: My house just shook. Literally, shook! My dad came out of his office wondering what it was. I thought he was doing work in the bathroom or something, but no, our house totally just shook. A mini earthquake kind of shake... crraaaazzzyyyy!!!

**Matt. 19:16-30; Mark 10:17-30; Luke 18:18-30.

6.16.2010

coming soon to a blog near you!

Alright, here's an update:
I have a couple of posts in the works right now.
One is on taxation, and will take me a while to write because I have to do some research first! Oh, you are saying, taxation, how boring! Trust me, this won't be boring. It will be educational, thought provoking and slightly controversial, but not boring. So stay tuned!
I also have some stuff on my latest cooking experiments, and of course, life in general. Twill be up eventually, I've just been working a ton lately and doing some research that is imperative to my future, so I haven't had time to post anything significant. But no worries, I will soon! :)

6.05.2010

I hate the feeling of wanting to tell someone something; even desperately needing to tell them something, but not knowing how. It's like you can never find the right words to say. It's like your brain goes all stupid on you and your tongue doesn't even remember how to form words anymore. It's like the air in your lungs won't come out. You try to speak but there is no sound, just the embarrassing whistle of that little bit of air that somehow has escaped from behind your closed throat. And then you feel like your chocking; chocking on AIR for goodness sake. The one thing that is supposed to help you breath is stopping you from breathing all together. And then, when you finally do get a hold of yourself and speak, all the wrong words come out. You lost your courage, and now the moment is gone and none of it feels right anymore.

If I could talk as well as I could write then this wouldn’t be a problem. But I can’t. I don’t know what it is about writing that makes me so brave, but it does. And that is scary, because writing is so much more incriminating
you look at me with such disdain
and I can't seem to find a way
to make this what it could be

haunted by memories
shouting keeps me away
and to myself I say

this isn't like those times
it wasn't meant to be
but maybe someday we'll make it

"for the girl that has my heart"
you haven't said it once
I must expect too much

yet I have spent the years
building my own walls
strong, thick and tall

I guess we tried too hard
to make something come of this
when we both know we deserve
something more than just a promise

6.04.2010

eat meat, drink, be merry

I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of being a vegetarian. No, don't worry, I am not celebrating. It's just interesting to me that I have been a vegetarian for a whole year now. It doesn't feel like that long (now that may be because I did sneak in some chicken at Easter time. But hey, who can honestly resist the enticing aroma of my Mom's Indonesian chicken?)

People always ask me about why I am a vegetarian, and some of those people are very defensive about why they choose NOT to be one. It always surprises me when a meat eater becomes defensive about their choices. They get very passionate and I always think to myself, why are you being so defensive? You aren't doing anything wrong, at least not in my books. For me, being a vegetarian is a lifestyle/environmental choice. I began my pathway to becoming a vegetarian three years ago, when I first became aware of global food systems and the impact that our North American food choices have on the rest of the world and the environment. My choices were mainly based on ethical grounds: cows consume large amounts of grain and water - resources that could instead be used to feed those who find it extremely difficult to meet their daily caloric intake and find clean, drinkable water. The animals we eat are also primary consumers and therefore require more energy to live/be raised. It takes more energy to raise a cow than to produce the same amount of caloric energy in grain or vegetable form. This is because cows consume grains and vegetables themselves. Anyone who has some basic biology experience probably knows about the food chain and its various trophic levels. If you don't know about this, check out this website for more info: http://www.arcytech.org/java/population/facts_foodchain.html

So, I decided to lighten my environmental footprint and to make more ethical food choices. I have also tried to eat organic and locally produced goods, though this is not always feasible due to low availability and increased cost. Being a vegetarian was something that I could do with no extra cost to myself, actually, it ended up saving me money in the long run.

Now, I could have simply made a choice to consume only ethically raised meat and poultry, but it was easier for me to simply give up meat altogether. So many people think that just because I am a vegetarian I hate meat. That is definitely not true. I like meat, I love chicken; it was really hard for me to give it up, and I miss it sometimes. But giving up meat was just something I had to do. A test of my disciplinary strength/willpower and lifestyle choice all in one. My family always laughed at me when I would talk about the smell of bacon, thinking that I as a vegetarian should hate meat. But that's not it at all. So, you may ask, what can you, the meat-loving environmentally conscious individual who doesn't want to give up meat altogether do? Well my friends, I shall tell you!

First off, eating meat is not the problem. Endorsing unethical and harmful raising techniques is. So first off, buy ethical meat. In Newmarket, you can do this at an amazing (my favorite, actually) organic food market called Nature's Emporium, located in the old Western Produce Plaza (Mulock and Yonge). Yes, it is more expensive, but it is hormone and anti-biotic free, as well as being free-range meats. Surprisingly, some big-chain supermarkets also carry this type of meat as well. Check out Metro's line of naturally raised meats as well, located in the same area of the store where you would find all your other meats.

Secondly, consider eating less meat. Go vegetarian for one meal a week. If the cost of ethically raised meat is too much for you to handle, then consider eating less meat as an option. Oh, but I love meat too much to give any of it up! You may grumble. Well then, consider this: most other cuisines don't focus on meat as the main attraction. In almost every other culture meat is a side dish, a small and savory addition to the main course of grains, legumes, or pastas. The way that meat is produced in North America has allowed us to make meat our main focus at every meal, as it is cheap and widely available. This doesn't mean this was always the case. If you look back to our time as hunters-gatherers, you can see that meat's place was always as a side dish or rare-occasioned treat. Although the evolution of technology has made it feasible for meat to be more widely consumed, and consumed more often, this does not mean that it should be. In fact, meat consumption (red meats in particular) are the major cause of heart disease, North America's number one cause of death! So just consider eating less, you're body needs protein, but that doesn't necessarily mean all of that protein needs to be in the form of meat. Legumes, soy, and nuts are great sources of protein and are more healthy choices. Not only is it healthier to eat less meat (and remember, I am saying less meat, not NO meat at all, I am not pushing vegetarianism here) but ethical meat often tastes better. And, when you eat less meat, you will learn to appreciate the meat you DO eat more, and as a result it will no doubt taste ever better to you! If you don't indulge in something as often, the times when you do indulge become more special. So eat less meat, and your love for meat will probably grow. And a tip: when you do eat meat, make it good meat, tasteful and savory. Not a McDonald's hamburger, but a good free range steak or beautifully marinated chicken breast. That way, though you are eating less meat, you are at least eating awesome meat all the time! (See, I'm totally pro meat! haha. I am getting cravings right now...)

You don't have to stop eating meat. But making ethical and informed choices about the meat, as well as consuming less meat is something you should think about doing. Especially if you are concerned about the environment and/or your health. For more info on this, read the book The Ethical Gourmet, which dives deeper into the issue of ethical food choices and also provides excellent recipes for the ethically-concerned chef. Hey, there is even an entire section devoted to meat and poultry, as well as one for fish and seafood. So eat meat, drink, and be merry - just do it with a clear conscience.

For more info or questions about ethical consumerism, feel free to contact me at: kait(dot)lyn(dot)m(at)hotmail(dot)com or do some research online. There is TONS of information on vegetarianism, the environment, and health out there. As well as lots of info on our horrible North-American food production system. You should also check out the documentary: Food Inc., which has lots of good info, real images, and stories about what America's food production is actually like.

5.29.2010

as I look upon this world
I can't help but be angry
at the injustice I witness

something inside tells me
this isn't the way things should be
and my heart fills with fear

then my eyes begin to well up
tears that are salty and stinging
as my heart slowly begins to break

I'm a brokenhearted girl
for this brokenhearted world
but what can I do?

maybe nothing, maybe everything
for on my own I am powerless
but with You, all things are possible

for you are the Healer, Comforter, Redeemer
Strong Tower, Hard Rock
the Gracious One

On our own we are destined
for destruction and anger
the world brings us sadness we cannot bear

yet You bring us hopefulness
and joy and peace abound
You are the only one who can unite us again

5.28.2010

sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are easy

I have fallen into a slump lately.
Lately... really I mean for the past year.
I used to be so passionate about my future. I loved school, I was eager to learn and to grow and could not wait to take all that I was learning and put it into practice in the field. But now all I feel is lost. Lost. Lost. Lost. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Well, I have a general idea I guess: I know that I want to help others. But what does that even mean? There are thousands of things I could do that would encompass my desire to serve.


Last year I moved from wanting to become involved in international development, to more of a social development focus. As much as the state of the world bothers me; as much as it makes me heart break and I think that poverty is a human rights issue, I still believe that people's hearts and minds matter more. My friend reminded me of a quote from Mother Teresa:

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread."


I think that's true. As much as the dire physical situations of the poor evoke the sadness within, the psychological effects of life on an individual break my heart even more. Giving a poor woman who was raped as a child a job and access to adequate health care merely bandage the wound, they don't enable healing. I'm not saying that economic development isn't important, it definitely is. But I think that my calling is more towards the healing of hearts; the uniting of the bridges that divide human beings from one another. I mean, think about how many depressed people live in developed countries. We seem to have it all, but we're missing something that is so key: connection. We have the material side of life down pat, but I think we have a seriously tangled up idea about what real hope and joy look like. We've disconnected ourselves from each other, from the earth, and from God. We're just alone; putting more emphasis on money and possessions and careers than on people.

So, as I have become overwhelmed with the seemingly endless need that the world presents I continue to ask the same question: what can I, one person, do? The question is a complicated one, but really, the answer is easy: just trust. I continually worry about doing the right thing. Am I taking the right classes at school? Am I in the right program? What should my area of focus be? Should I get field experience now, or later? But God just keeps telling me: "I know the plans, Kait. I'm the architect, you're just the materials. Trust me because I know what I'm doing, I know where to put you, I know where you fit." Complicated questions that have easy answers are always frustrating because the answer is so easy, yet so hard to actually do.

So if you are in a similar position. If you don't really know where you fit, what your purpose is and how you as one person could ever make a difference, here is my piece of encouragement: Don't give up. If you have passionate anger and a bone to pick with the ways of the world, don't let that go. Don't succumb to the pressure to be just another human being, working their life away - but to what end? Whether you believe in God or not makes no difference. If you have a desire to make the world a better place, then you can do that. And honestly, I don't think it really matter how you do it. So stop trying to find the thing that will have the greatest impact on the world. Because you will never find it. The people that make the biggest differences are those that just followed their hearts and loved people. Think about it: even if all you do is help one person, that is still one person. One less broken person. One life changed. How many other people can say that? That they befriended a stranger and gave hope to someone else, forever changing their life? I'm guessing not too many. So don't give up. Every drop of water in the bucket of change moves the bucket one drop closer to its tipping point.

peace and love,
Kait

5.22.2010

returning to my first loves

This past year has been a roller coaster ride - anyone who has been with me through the experiences could tell you that. For a while there, I had lost who I was. But now I'm back. Feeling more like myself again and returning to the things that I once loved. The biggest of those is God.

My good friend and I are reading through the entire Bible this summer, cover to cover, and right now I am reading all about the Israelites and their rebellion against God. Oh, how I can relate to the nation of Israel! I feel like a perpetual prodigal daughter; forsaking my Father and going off on my own and then returning to repent, only to rebel once again. But the LORD says: "Remember the height from which you have fallen!" And so each time I repent and try to work my way back to where I was before I rebelled, and then to keep working to surpass that place.

It is my hope that I never fall so far away as I did this year while away at school, and so I have done certain things to ensure this: having a solid foundation in knowing who I am in Christ, finding a engaging and challenging Church family, and surrounding myself with healthy and uplifting friends who encourage me to press onwards towards The Goal. But there are other things that God has gifted me with; passions He has given me that engage me with His world, with His people, and enable me to center myself. These things are writing and music. So I am returning to these loves of mine. I still wrote quite often when I wasn't following Christ, but it just wasn't the same. It was more a venting mechanism than something that came as an extension of myself. So now I am getting falling back in love with ink and paper and computer keyboards. I'm starting a summer project and hopefully will complete it by October 2010!!! - Stay tuned for details! As you can probably tell, I will also be blogging more. I know I have said this before, but this time it's for real, I can just feel it! HAHA. The posts will range from anything to everything. Sometimes they'll be spiritual, sometimes they'll be random rants, sometimes they'll be the latest poem I've written or my latest critique on world issues. Don't worry, I'll mix it up to keep you interested, hopefully :)

As for music, that has always been around as well, but now I am going to share a bit of that love with you! So every time I write a new post I will also be posting any new/awesome music that I have been listening to in a box on the right side of my blog, and hopefully you will enjoy some of my findings!

That's about it for now. Oh yeah --- FIFA World Cup Begins in THREE weeks!!! woohoo - go Netherlands!

Kate Earl seems to have heard every thought I have ever thought and put them all into her songs

MELODY - KATE EARL

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own brand of company
I got da da da inside my head
And I play songs back to back until I got to bed

Wake up by myself inside an empty room
There’s no body next to mine to oooh
But my skin is warm and my heart is full
It’s the do do do do do do

Walking waking on a crowded street
With my headphones loud
So my hips can swing, so my head can nod
To the rock and roll to the boom boom beat

and I find that I’m never alone
and I find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that I built on my own
and I know that I’m never alone
and I know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

No matter what has ever come to me
I got my own kind of company
I got ba ba ba inside my head
And I sing songs back to back until I go to bed

There’s a river in my mind that’s never still
Swirling, soothing all the time gives me a thrill
Swimming in the notes that go
Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Wandering, waking in an empty wood
It is quiet here, I am powerful
I look down below serenade the world
From inside my soul

and I find that I’m never alone
and I find that my heart is my home
and the music within makes me whole
A world that I built on my own
and I know that I’m never alone
and I know that my heart is my home
Every missing piece of me
I can find in a melody

When the walls begin to creep in
And the sky is falling down
When I’m swallowed up in feelings
I get lost inside the sound…

4.20.2010

where your heart lies, there your treasure will be also

People have been asking me a lot lately, "What do you want to do with your life?"
So I've been thinking about it: I'm in third year and the job search will soon be looming.

Honestly, I don't ever want a desk job. I don't want the 9-5 business job. So I could be a teacher. Or a development worker. Or a social worker. Those work.

But really, I just want to travel around, walk barefoot, writing books and taking photos and talking to people. Just talking about life, and love, and why. I want to learn about living, and then I want to teach people about how to live. Because, as someone that has lived most of their life half-dead, I think I might know a bit about what's missing.

I want to make people care about the important things; about finding a joy that lasts. I want to heal people's hearts. I want to show the rich how to be poor, how to be simple, how to be really blessed for goodness sake.

I'm not worried, really. I know that everything will fall into its proper place as long as I continue to work at it. But sometimes I feel like things will never begin. I feel so pent up, boxed up, enclosed in a shell of fear and expectation and non-starting.

I really need to stop watching so much TV. I bet then I'd get things done...

4.10.2010

These are the songs that remind us of who we are

My favorite thing about music is that it doesn't expect anything of you. You just let go; you get to be yourself.

Music is that thing that, no matter where you are, you can always count on. There are songs that reach across many spans of time; that apply across all sorts of situations and when you listen to them give you that feeling, the feeling that all will be well with the world. As long as that song is playing, you are at peace. For those few short minutes, in which everything you are feeling inside is made known through sound, you feel like someone out there finally understands.

My friend and I were talking about our love for music the other day and he said that without music he would probably be a basket case. Music is a form of release for so many people. It takes all the emotions that lie within us and just lets them out. And the best thing about music is that everyone understands it. Music is one of those things in life that is universal.

It is because of this that I believe that music is one of the most powerful tools we have. Music has the ability to heal and to build relationships. Music can become a place of common ground, a tool for peace and for understanding.

For the most part, I have never met the people that sing my favorite songs. I haven't talked to them, I don't know what they are like, who their family is, what they believe in or how life has treated them. But at the same time I feel like we have lived and walked together, through the music sharing our life experiences.

Music is a great tool for knowing one another. We don't even have to listen to someone sing. We can merely sit with them. listen to the song they have on and get a glimpse of what they may be feeling at that particular moment. There are songs that we listen to when we are in certain mood, when we have certain feelings and desires, and by listening to these songs together, we can slowly begin to understand.

Music tells a story. Even when it doesn't contain words it's narrative is present and, though interpretable, holds a common meaning for all of us. I believe that God created music so that we might better understand one another, that we might find something to bring us together during all seasons of life. Through all the good and all the bad, the melodies of life we'll sing.